I'm back in Austin. Got back at around 10:20. Here are the things I'm willing to tell...
I knew I had control over my emotions before I left. Well, almost all of my emotions. I still get angry rather easily. But here's the deal. Only one person didn't cry at the viewing. Me. Only one person didn't cry at the service. Me. And it's not that I didn't feel like crying.
What hurt me more inside was seeing the reaction from other people. The one reaction that hit me the hardest was my dad's. But seeing it didn't bring me to tears. When two of my dad's coworkers showed up at the service, that almost made me emotional. To know that my dad has at least two friends who would come to El Paso for one day just for him, that's something. And it made me realize that I'll have friends there for me when I'm in my dad's place.
Everyone was emotional. And I think they look down on me right now because I wasn't. I feel this loss more than they realize. I'm just not as open as they are.
Even though I haven't cried, I'm still very broken down. I feel like I was the shoulder to everyone. And that's fine. I expected it. But I didn't expect to come back to Austin feeling this way. I feel like I'm being pulled down to the ground.
2 comments:
I understand what you mean about being everyone's shoulder - I am the same way. Unfortunately, we've had a lot of people in our family pass away in the last few years...I've never cried. I'm always the 'rock.'
Btw ~ I missed you!
Ooh, they changed the commenting feature. Nice.
It's nice to be missed. Real nice. I wish I could have posted more.
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