356 - Martyr

After reading 355, and after realizing there are more things to say, I decided that more than one post in a day is fine.

I want this to be fully understood, which means I'm going to have a hell of a hard time saying this right.

If there's one thing that makes me feel validated, it's the feeling I get after I know I have helped or affected someone in some way. It makes me think that my existence is worthwhile. It makes me feel complete. And I've known this for quite some time. Because of my martyr complex, I am ready to sacrifice my emotional stability to help someone in need.

"I want to be there for everyone, all of the time. Might sound impossible, but it probably won’t kill me to try."
- Dec 7th, in an email to her

Back in the day, I would help so many people. My friends would come to me for advice, tell me their problems, and I would provide my shoulder and 'wisdom.' And this was a daily thing. But it did wear me down. And for a time, I lost it. That's when I decided to take control over my emotions. I decided to desensitize myself.

So when I have a really great friend, and I feel like they have wronged me in some way, it is easy for me to change my feelings for them. And Anh is right, this isn't normal. Thoughts and feelings are supposed to be separate.

I don't want to tell the same story twice, or even three times. It has been like a sine wave over the past 4 months. And it pisses me off. I like stability. I like routine. I don't like surprises.

What I'm trying to get at is that recent events have really confused me and I believe I've become hypocritical. One minute I'm stating on here that I'm going to ignore someone, the next I'm saying that there's still feelings. I don't like to flip-flop. I have never done this before.

I don't think I am emotionally stable right now. I can't find a balance. I know, I just got back from an unfortunate event, I've been sick, I'm still trying to get into the flow of things, and I'm going to a wedding tomorrow. I just thought I was stronger than this. I want to be stable.


In other news, a thank you 3 days late but better late than never, both Anh and Tina had sent their Happy Valentine's. Two more great women.

I'm gonna take a nap. I probably need one.

Song of the Moment: A Perfect Circle - Gravity