I don't know what to say really. It's amazing that I don't know every single thing I am capable of. It's surprising that I could make a complete 180-degree turn instantaneously.
I saw her after lab. She called out my name. She was smiling. And it was the same smile from last semester. A smile that I believe to be genuine.
And so I turned.
At around 2 or so, I told myself that if I could transfer back into that lab, I would ask her if she would like that. So, I checked the lab to see if there was an opening. There was. I took that as some sort of sign. So I sent her a text. And she replied.
I'm back into the 10AM lab. I'm hoping that I did the right thing. If there's one thing I think is good about me, it's the fact that I can distinguish right from wrong. And that I do the right thing almost all of the time.
I'm second guessing that ability. I'm just not sure that I did the right thing. But then, I remember something.
"Never have I grown attached to someone this fast." - Dec. 5th
The entire post on Dec. 8th.
This post from Dec. 9th.
"...if showing up makes her happy, I'll show up. If I have to walk through rain or snow to show up, then I'll start walking now." - Dec. 12th
"Even if I'm being ignored, that shouldn't change how I treat someone. If I can make someone smile, I should do everything to make it happen." - Jan. 7th
"If when I walk through that door, she has that smile on her face, I will be perfect to (not for) her." - Jan. 11th
"But when I told her "I'll be there for you," I meant it. It's the best thing I can offer. It's the only thing I can offer." - Jan. 12th
If I did just walk away, I would be a hypocrite. I can't allow that. If I said those things, they were the truth, because I am an honest person. And if those words are my truth, I must live by them as well. So, to all of you who suggested that I move on, that I just accept my decision to keep going forward, I'm sorry. I apologize.
I'm staying.
6 comments:
you are so smitten! and no, smiley faces are only girly because you guys think it is (it's all mental)....kinda like that phrase "it takes a real man to wear pink". anyway, good luck!
~anh
And still, I'd never wear pink. And I don't feel right when I use smiley faces. Just not my style I guess.
Smitten, eh? I agree. It figures, right? All part of an elaborate scheme...
Oh, and the song for this post, that I forgot to put.
Radiohead - I Might Be Wrong
I think you made the right decisions. You should never be sorry for something that you do not think is wrong. ;)
There is a reason for everything...cherish it.
Fermin here, nice move going back to that lab. Good luck with that. Oh and you may not like pink, but chicks dig it!
You're just a smitten kitten!
I've learned to trust my instincts and feelings as they seldom lead me wrong.
And I'm real interested in knowing the reason. My curiousity is at its highest.
Thanks Fermin. The chics may dig pink, but I'm definitely going with the hair route. I'm just now starting to wear jeans, so I need to take it slow. I wouldn't know how to begin wearing pink. Although I admit that the pink shirt you have is nice.
Instincts are great. Most people ignore them, and that's a shame. Maybe too much thinking? I know I've been guilty of that.
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