I have to keep telling myself that I am not a heartless bastard. That I am not what I was in high school. I'd like to think I'm way beyond that.
I don't meet people very easily, so when I get a new friend, I try to keep them as long as possible. Yet, here I am disconnecting from a new acquaintance. Fairly new. Am I giving up? I think I'm giving up.
I woke up at 3:45 this morning. I couldn't go back to sleep until 4:30. Worst 45 minutes ever. OK, maybe not. And you guessed it, I was only thinking about my lab. Well, sort of. I had a terrible dream. My parents were surrounded by a bunch of guys with knives. Maybe 7 or 8 guys. I was standing outside the group when I grabbed a piece of metal. I went after the closest guy and just started slashing. He fell to the ground, and I went after the next. Before I could get to him, I woke up. Either way...
I thought about that spanish lab all day. From the time I stepped into my spanish class to the moment I got to a computer lab. During all my classes. I thought about each possibility. The idea that she would be happy to see as well as the idea that she would be happier not seeing me. My overanalysis really kicked in today.
I have plenty of inspiration, but I am not strong enough to write what I feel right now. Another flaw for me to fix.
The song I'm really hooked on right now is What's Going On originally by Marvin Gaye. The first time I heard it was by A Perfect Circle though. I loved it. Very soft and smooth, just the right amount of instrumental parts. That made me want to hear the original. So I borrowed my dad's CD collection, and sure enough he had it. The original is great, if not perfect. The feeling in his voice, the power. So now I listen to both versions on my way to class.
Well, it's almost that time. Contrary to what the time says on the post, it's really 10:54. Yea, it took me 30 minutes to write this. A ton of deleting and re-wording. Such a perfectionist...
3 comments:
Thanks for the congrats. :D
I know what you mean by "such a perfectionist" ~ I am the same way.
No, you are not a heartless bastard - there are some people in this life that you are meant to keep around you and some that you are not. For some reason, unbeknownst to you as of yet, this new acquaintance isn't suppost to stick around. You'll figure it out later.
When is your Spanish lab?
Sometimes it takes time to sort through the things you have to deal with before putting them down as words...that is not a flaw, merely deliberation.
I wish you the best of luck this week. And if all else fails ~ smile. Picture that 300-lb version of me stalking you if it helps. ;)
My spanish lab was at 10AM on Fridays. Now it is at 9AM. Kinda early. But it gives me an hour break to eat a decent brunch. That's right, I said brunch.
I don't want to deliberate anymore though. I want to drop it. I'm having a hard time doing that. And yea, I guess that's what makes me human. I actually get attached to people.
I constantly find myself looking over my shoulder. Ha. Paranoia? Nah...sometimes when I'm on campus, I'll see the same person a couple of times and that kinda weirds me out. It's a huge campus. But when it's a chic, I just figure that I must have done a great job on my hair.
perhaps slightly heartless (oh wait, i meant consciousless) but not a bastard.:)j/k. i love brunch (probably because i can't wake up early enough for breakfast). anyway, ut people see each other more than once?...isn't that like against the rules of probability or something? well, hope school (and life) is as enjoyable as it can get!
~anh
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