After reading each of your comments, I must say that I feel better. I am very appreciative of these efforts. I'll address each one in their own way.
You know those pacts that people make, the ones where if two people are still single when they're 30, they'll get married? No, I'm not going to make a pact like that. But I do feel like I'll end up marrying a friend. 80% of my friends are females. Seems like good odds. And because I have a hard time meeting new people, it's even more likely.
You're right. Love shouldn't be rushed, and it shouldn't be chased. Like I told Brandon, we are young. There's still time. But right now, even though I know I'm wrong, I feel like it's the only thing I'm missing. It's the only thing stopping me from being complete. When I ride the bus to school, I do nothing but think about my situation. And then that weight breaks me. By the time I get to campus, I look 10 years older. When I go to bed, I think more about it. I end up staring into the darkness and wondering if this is it. (If stopping to assess my situation will make me a better person, then I'm all for it. I do have my goals.)
Love does make you do those things. I'm just not sure if I'm doing it out of love. Confusing, eh? Here's an interesting thing. I remember walking away from my spanish class one thursday. I remember that right before I got to the bus stop, I just wanted to hug someone. Just some random chic. All because I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't. I didn't explode. (I'll have to let someone protect me eventually. I'll have to give it up and ask for help. Something I have an extremely difficult time doing.)
There's another problem I need to fix. When I'm with someone, I can never open up to them. I tried it once, and I got completely ignored. I guess I'm still haunted by that. I can't laugh in front of people. I can't cry in front of people. In fact, I've only cried once in the past 7 years. And that was because I failed myself. Miserably. I spent the rest of that night in solitude. I missed school the next day. And I just can't open up. I can't be vulnerable. Someday. That's all I can hope for. (Better to be alone than in bad company. I like that. I just hope I don't become a hermit. My parents are closing in on 30 years. And right now, I'd be happy with one year. Or so I think.)
I just end up falling for the wrong people. The wrong circumstances. And I want to give up. At the same time, I've heard that sitting around will get me nowhere. I'm so conflicted. I want to go out there, find someone, and be there's. At the same time, I don't want to go out there. I don't want to meet someone new. And I'd rather that they be mine. With statements like that, I'm just going to confuse myself, which is very, very possible. (My longest relationship was 6 months. Nothing like 7 years. If I feel this defeated...then...wow. Interesting that you chose 3 Libras. That song reminds me of her.)
Why would I break in January? Why now? And then, it hits me.
I just got a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday. And that wedding takes place one week after one of my bro's best friends gets married. Under guests, will I put a big fat zero? And in between today and then comes Valentine's Day. A day I've never enjoyed.
I have a feeling that the next two months are going to be hell. On campus, there will be nothing but couples walking together and holding hands. Possibly more. And I'll just have to keep walking. Keep moving on. Moving forward. Progress.
I told my parents to wake me up whenever they wake up, which could be in 5 hours. And I'll be awake for another 2.
3 new pictures up.
4 comments:
I've never had a boyfriend. Maybe I'm just so used to being alone I don't notice it quite the way you do. Maybe I can't miss what I've never known. About a month ago I realized that my "I can take care of myself" and "I don't need anything/anyone" statements are not entirely accurate anymore. I can take care of myself, but I'd like someone to want to take care of me. I don't NEED anyone as in I won't die without them but... I do need someone to share all the love that is inside of me with.
I've never opened up to anyone in real life and I have no idea what will happen when and if I ever do. When I first start talking I always say too much, which is probably the reason I don't like to start talking in the first place. It's all or nothing with me.
First, I just looked at your pictures, and they're good, especially for being from a camera phone. I've never been able to paint or draw or sing worth a damn, but since I got my digital camera last year I find that I really enjoy the art of creating a great picture. Some of it is in the picture-taking itself, but now much of it is done with software. It's the only way I know to be artistic. I took a beautiful picture of the sun setting over the Laguna Madre Bay at Padre last summer, and had it enlarged to a huge 20x30 poster, which I'm going to frame and hang over my bed. A good picture, and more personal because I took it. Now I want to do more of that and fill my walls with my own photo work.
Second, on to the post. I think a lot of it is the idea that we get from every source and every day that you only can truly be happy and complete when you have a partner. And while I very much hope to have a husband some day, and choose another person for life and have them choose me, I think I'm complete and enough on my own. To paraphrase John Candy in Cool Runnings, if you aren't enough without it, you'll never be enough with it.
I have felt the way you describe though once--after my college boyfriend broke up with me. For months I was depressed and felt helpless, then a light came on and I realized I was making it all about him instead of myself, so after that I resolved that I'd go on and do my stuff, and I'd be fine with or without him. And I know I'm the stronger for it in the 4+ years since. Although I do wonder if I'm also more guarded now and maybe less inclined to really let someone else carry me. It's easy for me to be the strong one in a relationship. It's very difficult to play the flip side of that. Weak is the wrong word for it though, because for any independent person, letting someone else help them is tough.
Oh, and if it makes you feel any better, half those couples walking across campus holding hands will probably break up sooner or later. Singles Awareness Day will pass. Personally I like to spend that day with my closest friends. Though last year with Dallas all snowy, it would have been a great day to spend with a special person.
It seems as if January is the month for blah-ness in Singledom. I am starting to get the same way you are (or at least, you seem to be). I was fine with my single status during the holidays (although many of my friends were not). However, now that the holidays are over, for some reason I am very unhappy about my unattached status (whereas all my friends are now happy and back-to-normal). I'm not quite sure why. I have sort-of 'higher' hopes for February, because for some reason, that month has always been the 'new relationship' month. All three of my long-term relationships (each 2 years or more) have started in February (go figure).
I'm not sure if I can give you much advice on how to deal with this less-than-joyous period going on. I'm in the same boat. Hopefully it will be a bit of comfort to you that you are not alone in your melancholy? I know its a tiny bit of comfort for me. That's all I can offer. ;) ~holds out hand~
All much wiser than me.
Just lead the way. I need all the light I can get to see the way through my own darkness. I promise that one day, I'll be that guiding light when necessary.
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