This might be a short post, but I need to get it out there while I can.
What if I'm not built for love? What if I can only be satisfactory? I think I am capable of love, but honestly, I don't think I've felt it. I can imagine it. And I am seduced by the idea of something so powerful.
Each of them said those three words, but here I stand before you alone and single. Without another. By myself.
I can make people smile. I can make people cry. I can make people laugh. I can make people feel sad, happy, frustrated, relieved, you name it. I can inflict any emotion on anyone.
But I'm not sure about love.
So what if the best I can be is a satisfactory companion for someone? A strong shoulder to share their burden and nothing more? Someone to come home to and tell how your day went? Someone to provide comfort?
Things are familiarly quiet.
5 comments:
There's nothing as lonely as sleeping next to someone you don't love. (Lloyd & Rees - 'The boy next door')
I used to think it would be impossible for someone to marry a person they weren't head over heels in love with. But, as I get older and wiser, I realize that it's all too easy to choose the house and the job and the family over love. Or maybe it's love in both cases only in different ways.
I'm still struggling with the concepts of "infatuation", "in love", "love", "desire", "lust" etc. We all want to feel all of that, don't we? I don't want to marry someone I don't feel those things for and I can't imagine myself ever doing so. But that's what everybody thinks isn't it? Picture yourself lying awake in bed, the person next to you is someone you care about, when you look into their eyes you feel... you feel... nothing. No sparks, no desire, no nothing. You're sharing your bed with a friend.
Good friends get their own beds,
lovers get to sleep in yours.
this has gotten way too long... basically what I'm trying to say is that... you can't rush love. you can't look for it. it'll appear when you least expect it. all the things about yourself that you concider average, all the qualities you have that you don't notice and your friends are too used to to compliment you on - there's someone out there who will see all those things, someone who will want to know more about you.
BUT - if you do find love, don't waste it. stupid thing to say? maybe. I just think it's a good idea to stop for a minute a few times a year, see what and who you have in your life. I started doing that without noticing it a few years ago and I'm much happier, and a much better person, for doing so.
alright I'll shut up now...
"A strong shoulder to share their burden...Someone to come home to and tell how your day went...Someone to provide comfort?"
okay, so i'm not goin to claim that i'm an expert on love or anything - but i do know that i loved (or still love) someone, and those things u listed, they sound like a pretty good start to me. i mean, isnt that what love is supposed to do? someone to help u thru difficult times, to talk to, to comfort and protect? i mean, sure theres much more too it...but you have to start somewhere
It's a tough thought really, because it comes down to how much of yourself you are willing to give or open up to another person. Sharing a house, bank account, and bed are relatively easy compared to sharing your problems, worst thoughts, fears, and taking theirs as your own as well. It's that idea of really being vulnerable to someone and being able to trust them with that. It's a scary thought. And in my mind, when you hold too much back, that is when you get the unfulfilling relationship. I mean, I want my husband to be my best friend, but what will make this friendship different than all my others, aside from the physical aspects (I'm not in the habit of regularly sleeping with my friends)?
I don't know if there is anything more beautiful than a truly happy marriage. My dad's parents have been married for almost 60 years and I'll consider myself ridiculously blessed if I have what they have. It's a tough, tough thing though. To have that kind of relationship means giving enough of yourself to have that kind of relationship. And for an independent type of person like me, that's a tall order.
But, as it's said, it's better to be alone than in bad company. So single isn't so bad.
My comment is here.
I understand what you mean...I see that as well. When I doubt whether or not I deserve love...sometimes I think I am incapable of love. I've felt it before, so so strong and so deep that there was never a thought in my mind that it might go away. And it was hell when I realized that it did go away. I stayed in that relationship for seven years (yeah, 7 *years*). And so now I often wonder, can I ever truly feel love again? And will it stay? Is there really such a thing?
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