How about a review of the past year? Will that satiate your hunger?
January
I liked brunettes. Great post. First found out about a blood problem. Another great post.
February
Apparently, I'm desensitized. Tried the questions thing for the first time back then. First looked 'tired.' Developed my first ulcer, requiring an ER visit.
March
First feeling of total defeat and helplessness. Doctors and appointments. What I miss. Hung some chic's panties on the door of my dorm. Funny. Started this blog.
April
Boring. More medical tests. Still don't like places with books. Bruises. More dreaming. Pissed by the end.
May
Quit my old blog. Weird dreams. First wanted to 'break up' with friends. Finals, and then my nephew was born. First long vacation from blogging starts.
June
Back from vacation. Summer school. 9 posts for the month. Unbelievable.
July
First mention of a bone marrow aspiration. Got my cable internet.
August
First saw my own bitterness. First stated my search for perfection. Had the bone marrow aspiration procedure. Fun sedatives. Turned 20 the next day. Played basketball with a bruised hip two days later. Fun. Spanish group signup.
September
Got the results of the bone marrow aspiration. Started the quizzes. Met the person I called my 'partner in crime.' Upgraded my phone. Almost hit by a truck. One word brought me down.
October
Found my inspiration. Began to think my existence was just for the amusement of a 'higher power.' Then became totally confused. Day of food poisoning and an unknown midterm. Narcissist with no confidence, and a pessimistic potentialist. I changed.
November
Wrote stuff for a friend. Felt the first cold wind. Went to a performance. Played some good ball. First felt ignored.
December
First seriously considered giving up. Wrote a poem for a friend. Haunting dream. Finally gave up. Took a four day vacation. Considered moving my spanish lab. Started the questions thing for the second time.
A decent year. Not what I was expecting. The first months were brought down by a stomach ulcer, the middle months brought me down because of the intense heat, and the last months brought me down because someone became buried in my mind. Of the 366 days, maybe 20 were good. Most were indifferent. Some just sucked ass. Want to know what I think?
Next year can only be better. And I'll see to it.
I might post again before everything says 2005, but I won't promise it. If I don't, Happy New Year to everyone.
Thursday, December 30
Two-Eight-Nine
12 hours until I start heading back to Austin. There's a small chance that I'll be back next week. It looks like my dad will be coming home on Monday. But I don't know how long he'll be home. It all depends...
"I don't care if it hurts"
I did get my hair cut. And I did get some nice red put in. It looks pretty good. I also watched King Arthur and Napoleon Dynamite. The first was alright, and the second was funny. Wasn't too bad. I've had a ton of sugar today too. I had some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, a Reese's Fastbreak, and a quarter of a lemon meringue pie. Bunch of calories. And I really want to stay up all night.
"I want to have control"
I'm sitting here right now listening to my 70 track CD. What sucks about it though is that I would put different songs on their now. I didn't have eMotive when I started the project. I didn't have aMotion either. So I'm thinking about doing it over again. I've also figured out what purpose it can serve. I'll lend it to whomever asks for it and tell them to pick out the 12 tracks they like the most. Then I can burn those 12 songs in full for them.
"I want a perfect body"
I think I know what I want now. I think I know what I'm looking for. So it's a start.
"I want a perfect soul"
I'm giving this last semester a B. Some new experiences, both good and bad. Some good enough that I can't give it a C, and some bad enough that I can't give it an A. I definitely feel more mature than I did in August, but as Brandon told me yesterday, I'm still too aggressive right now. He also told me what I need. And yea, I do. Everytime we mentioned someone I didn't like, I went off with a barrage of F-bombs and such. It is kind of bad.
Speaking of which, I'm really going to try to let go. All at once. No step-by-step process. And I'm capable of it. I've done it before.
"I don't care if it hurts"
I did get my hair cut. And I did get some nice red put in. It looks pretty good. I also watched King Arthur and Napoleon Dynamite. The first was alright, and the second was funny. Wasn't too bad. I've had a ton of sugar today too. I had some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, a Reese's Fastbreak, and a quarter of a lemon meringue pie. Bunch of calories. And I really want to stay up all night.
"I want to have control"
I'm sitting here right now listening to my 70 track CD. What sucks about it though is that I would put different songs on their now. I didn't have eMotive when I started the project. I didn't have aMotion either. So I'm thinking about doing it over again. I've also figured out what purpose it can serve. I'll lend it to whomever asks for it and tell them to pick out the 12 tracks they like the most. Then I can burn those 12 songs in full for them.
"I want a perfect body"
I think I know what I want now. I think I know what I'm looking for. So it's a start.
"I want a perfect soul"
I'm giving this last semester a B. Some new experiences, both good and bad. Some good enough that I can't give it a C, and some bad enough that I can't give it an A. I definitely feel more mature than I did in August, but as Brandon told me yesterday, I'm still too aggressive right now. He also told me what I need. And yea, I do. Everytime we mentioned someone I didn't like, I went off with a barrage of F-bombs and such. It is kind of bad.
Speaking of which, I'm really going to try to let go. All at once. No step-by-step process. And I'm capable of it. I've done it before.
Wednesday, December 29
Two-Eight-Eight
I was just looking through picture albums. So many events. So many changes.
I've never felt as though I were pressured to do better than my older siblings. Was always told that I had to do things on my own path. In my own way.
But right now, after reviewing, I feel nothing but pressure. What have I done that they haven't? Every single thing I know, they did before me. Classes, musical instruments, leadership roles, college...everything. My brother and sister have 8 and 9 years on me respectively. That's quite a head start.
But where will I be in 8 or 9 years? Will I even be at a comparable situation?
For the first time in a very long time, my mind is completely empty. I can't think of anything at all.
I've never felt as though I were pressured to do better than my older siblings. Was always told that I had to do things on my own path. In my own way.
But right now, after reviewing, I feel nothing but pressure. What have I done that they haven't? Every single thing I know, they did before me. Classes, musical instruments, leadership roles, college...everything. My brother and sister have 8 and 9 years on me respectively. That's quite a head start.
But where will I be in 8 or 9 years? Will I even be at a comparable situation?
For the first time in a very long time, my mind is completely empty. I can't think of anything at all.
Tuesday, December 28
Two-Eight-Seven
1. There are many reasons. Parking at UT sucks. Gas prices suck. But most of all, I'm scared to. While I do think I would be a good driver, I also think that it is possible I could be a bad driver. You know about the accident before our junior year. That also has something to do with it.
2. Can I? Yes. I don't know which day that will be though. Everytime I think it's out of my head, I hear a song, see a sign, or feel something that makes me remember. Unfortunately, my memory forgets things I don't want to forget and keeps things I do want to forget.
3. However much he desires. There's no limit to a woodchuck's potential.
4. My post names are their number. For example, this post right here is my 287th on this particular blog. I could be off by 2 in either direction, but it's fairly accurate.
2. Can I? Yes. I don't know which day that will be though. Everytime I think it's out of my head, I hear a song, see a sign, or feel something that makes me remember. Unfortunately, my memory forgets things I don't want to forget and keeps things I do want to forget.
3. However much he desires. There's no limit to a woodchuck's potential.
4. My post names are their number. For example, this post right here is my 287th on this particular blog. I could be off by 2 in either direction, but it's fairly accurate.
Two-Eight-Six
Four. I know. It's a bit much. It's 4:55 right now, my stomach hurts, and I can't sleep. My stomach is not the reason why I can't sleep, though. I've just spent the past 45 minutes thinking. Thinking hard. And I think I've figured it all out. Well, most of it.
I realize now that I've just been trying to get her attention. But I never picked up the phone and said "How are ya?"
If I'm right about this, I want to revise my three answers to the anonymous inquirer. I think I know who it is now.
1. I'm not fine. I fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I was perfect for you, even with the circumstances against me. I'm not. While I could put everything into it, it wouldn't be enough. I say that being friends is fine, but I would always wonder "what if...?" I don't know if I can live like that.
2. I say that I don't want attention, but deep down, I do. I don't want to be center stage, but I do want acknowledgement. What happened to me is that I felt ignored. I felt like all of my attempts to win you over were thrown aside. I've listened to you and I think I know you well. But I don't think you know me at all. I felt like I was used. Right now, I feel that way just a little bit. I might be wrong.
3. I know what to say. I don't know if I'll ever say it though. I don't know what you should, or could, say.
I'm hoping with all hope that I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this. I want this to be someone from thefacebook.com. I might be able to handle that. But I feel like I'm being torn at the seams. I want a conclusion. I can't be left guessing.
I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.
I realize now that I've just been trying to get her attention. But I never picked up the phone and said "How are ya?"
If I'm right about this, I want to revise my three answers to the anonymous inquirer. I think I know who it is now.
1. I'm not fine. I fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I was perfect for you, even with the circumstances against me. I'm not. While I could put everything into it, it wouldn't be enough. I say that being friends is fine, but I would always wonder "what if...?" I don't know if I can live like that.
2. I say that I don't want attention, but deep down, I do. I don't want to be center stage, but I do want acknowledgement. What happened to me is that I felt ignored. I felt like all of my attempts to win you over were thrown aside. I've listened to you and I think I know you well. But I don't think you know me at all. I felt like I was used. Right now, I feel that way just a little bit. I might be wrong.
3. I know what to say. I don't know if I'll ever say it though. I don't know what you should, or could, say.
I'm hoping with all hope that I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this. I want this to be someone from thefacebook.com. I might be able to handle that. But I feel like I'm being torn at the seams. I want a conclusion. I can't be left guessing.
I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.
Two-Eight-Five
Sorry. Three posts is insane. But something I read made me realize that some people can only say what they feel through forwards. Those emails where it has a quote about how great friends are, or about how love should be publicly announced. And I just delete those without looking.
Someone I know could have been reaching out to me through forwards. And I deleted them.
Maybe they wanted to see if I sent it back to them. Maybe they needed to see it sent back. Most people don't take forwards seriously. But I guess a small group of people do.
In a way, I am very direct with how I feel. When I want to tell someone I'll be there for them, I write that statement word for word, or I say it. Every email I send out is written for one person at a time. Just because that's how I communicate, it doesn't mean I should limit others to it.
I need specific details. If you say you like me, I need to know in what way, how much, and why. If I don't get those answers, I sit for hours trying to interpret the message even if there is no hidden meaning. I overanalyze too much. It's just another flaw of mine. I want to fix it.
Maybe they don't take forwards seriously.
But now I'll never know.
{Editor's Note: The inspiration for this post came from here.}
Someone I know could have been reaching out to me through forwards. And I deleted them.
Maybe they wanted to see if I sent it back to them. Maybe they needed to see it sent back. Most people don't take forwards seriously. But I guess a small group of people do.
In a way, I am very direct with how I feel. When I want to tell someone I'll be there for them, I write that statement word for word, or I say it. Every email I send out is written for one person at a time. Just because that's how I communicate, it doesn't mean I should limit others to it.
I need specific details. If you say you like me, I need to know in what way, how much, and why. If I don't get those answers, I sit for hours trying to interpret the message even if there is no hidden meaning. I overanalyze too much. It's just another flaw of mine. I want to fix it.
Maybe they don't take forwards seriously.
But now I'll never know.
{Editor's Note: The inspiration for this post came from here.}
Two-Eight-Four
I know. Two very quick posts. Sorry. The number thing was surprisingly accurate.
The day went well. I feel asleep at 4:15 last night and woke up at 9:15 this morning. And, as you may guess, I took a three-hour nap at 2. But still, it was a good day.
I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday. I'm going to get blood red streaks put in. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Depends.
I just realized that it's almost New Year's Eve. That means it's time for people to make their resolutions. Speaking of which, I want to laugh at things I wrote last year in my old blog.
Man, January 2004 was quite a month. I said some funny things. Now everyone, please remember that it was almost a year ago. Things change. For instance...
...while I called myself perfect then, I would not call myself perfect now.
...I am not full of hate.
...my idea of a perfect woman is a little different now.
Some things don't change. I'll let you figure out which those are. Either way, I don't have much more that I want to say publicly. I feel like laying down and reading one of my books.
The day went well. I feel asleep at 4:15 last night and woke up at 9:15 this morning. And, as you may guess, I took a three-hour nap at 2. But still, it was a good day.
I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday. I'm going to get blood red streaks put in. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Depends.
I just realized that it's almost New Year's Eve. That means it's time for people to make their resolutions. Speaking of which, I want to laugh at things I wrote last year in my old blog.
Man, January 2004 was quite a month. I said some funny things. Now everyone, please remember that it was almost a year ago. Things change. For instance...
...while I called myself perfect then, I would not call myself perfect now.
...I am not full of hate.
...my idea of a perfect woman is a little different now.
Some things don't change. I'll let you figure out which those are. Either way, I don't have much more that I want to say publicly. I feel like laying down and reading one of my books.
Monday, December 27
Two-Eight-Three
Briefly, my number...
|
You Are the Reformer |
|
1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair. |
Sunday, December 26
Two-Eight-Two
So...I'm back home. At least until Thursday afternoon. At that point, I'm going back to Austin with my Mom. She wants to spend New Year's Eve with my bro and the Kid. I might come back home for another week after that, but it all depends. Honestly, I hated leaving Austin, but I know I have to. Things have been harsh back home. Easily annoyed. So this break should be good. On the other hand, I don't know how well my bro will hold up while I'm gone. It's easier to raise a 7-month old with an extra set of hands when the wife is away. I'm sure he'll manage. Also, my dad got a new scanner/printer/copier and I want to mess around with that. Since my parents are still on dial-up, I'll have to wait until I get back to Austin before I start uploading.
The trip was fine. I forced my mom to listen to A Perfect Circle, Radiohead, and some Audioslave. She likes some of it. She doesn't put up a fight or anything when I take over the CD player in the car because she understands how music keeps me sane. I can handle silence, but only if I must. We talked about some of the things going on in the family. It was good to get my opinion out there.
I went to bed at 4:15 last night and woke up at 10:30 this morning. Consequently, I took a 2 hour nap at 2 in the afternoon. So right now, I feel awake, but I want to sleep. Yea, it's only 1 or so. But I've got nothing else. I might read some books or something, but then what? So, my dreams will be my entertainment.
On that note, I am out.
(Still accepting questions.)
The trip was fine. I forced my mom to listen to A Perfect Circle, Radiohead, and some Audioslave. She likes some of it. She doesn't put up a fight or anything when I take over the CD player in the car because she understands how music keeps me sane. I can handle silence, but only if I must. We talked about some of the things going on in the family. It was good to get my opinion out there.
I went to bed at 4:15 last night and woke up at 10:30 this morning. Consequently, I took a 2 hour nap at 2 in the afternoon. So right now, I feel awake, but I want to sleep. Yea, it's only 1 or so. But I've got nothing else. I might read some books or something, but then what? So, my dreams will be my entertainment.
On that note, I am out.
(Still accepting questions.)
Saturday, December 25
Two-Eight-One
I do appreciate your effort. These questions really made me think. Getting to know someone is easier with questions. And answers.
1. Well, I could be very unoriginal and say Hugh Hefner, but that's not my style. So, if I could be one person for one week...I would have to say Tracy McGrady. I dream of having nothing to do but practice my shooting. Yea, I get frustrated when my shot is off, but at the end of the day, I'd feel great. If I had no obligations, nothing to worry about, I would spend 12 hours a day on a basketball court. If Mark Cuban told me that he would provide free room and board to me as long as I spend all of my time on perfecting my game, you bet I would drop everything right now. Especially if I was guaranteed to play against real point guards. (I'd have to be a point guard because of my size.)
2. The first thing I want to do/see/achieve before I die is to see the streets of Moscow covered in snow at night. Second, I want a female celebrity to dump her celebrity boyfriend and publicly announce her love for me (ha). Third, I want to write my own biography and get it published. I'm not famous or anything, so I'm curious to see who buys it and what ratings it gets. 3 years ago, I started writing my thoughts for each day. Throw in my two blogs, and there's a ton of material.
3. By far, my biggest flaw is that I deny myself too many good things. I get invited to parties, football games, basketball games, movies, dinners, and I turn down 99% of them. I want to go out and have fun, but I always feel like I haven't earned it. Or that I just don't deserve it. My biggest attribute is that I keep every promise I make. Including those 'promise not to tells.' Since middle school, I have never told anyone another's secrets. Never. And if you can convince me to promise something, then I'll come through no matter what.
I'll keep taking questions, even from those who have already asked some. I really enjoy it.
1. Well, I could be very unoriginal and say Hugh Hefner, but that's not my style. So, if I could be one person for one week...I would have to say Tracy McGrady. I dream of having nothing to do but practice my shooting. Yea, I get frustrated when my shot is off, but at the end of the day, I'd feel great. If I had no obligations, nothing to worry about, I would spend 12 hours a day on a basketball court. If Mark Cuban told me that he would provide free room and board to me as long as I spend all of my time on perfecting my game, you bet I would drop everything right now. Especially if I was guaranteed to play against real point guards. (I'd have to be a point guard because of my size.)
2. The first thing I want to do/see/achieve before I die is to see the streets of Moscow covered in snow at night. Second, I want a female celebrity to dump her celebrity boyfriend and publicly announce her love for me (ha). Third, I want to write my own biography and get it published. I'm not famous or anything, so I'm curious to see who buys it and what ratings it gets. 3 years ago, I started writing my thoughts for each day. Throw in my two blogs, and there's a ton of material.
3. By far, my biggest flaw is that I deny myself too many good things. I get invited to parties, football games, basketball games, movies, dinners, and I turn down 99% of them. I want to go out and have fun, but I always feel like I haven't earned it. Or that I just don't deserve it. My biggest attribute is that I keep every promise I make. Including those 'promise not to tells.' Since middle school, I have never told anyone another's secrets. Never. And if you can convince me to promise something, then I'll come through no matter what.
I'll keep taking questions, even from those who have already asked some. I really enjoy it.
Two-Eight-Zero
So, I still can't figure out who the anonymous person is. I mean, just when I think I've figured it out, I second guess myself. I've eliminated some of the possibilities, but I can think of so many more people. Oh well. I should give up or something. There's no point in calling everyone I know and asking them if they are the guilty party.
And now, I'm going to start a new post specifically for Jamie's questions.
And now, I'm going to start a new post specifically for Jamie's questions.
Friday, December 24
Two-Seven-Nine
I'm going to answer the next set of questions, even though the commenter did not leave their first name (as stated in post 277.) Doesn't matter. I can deduce it down to three people. And I'm really only looking at one possibility. But, I'll addres the answer of number three in three parts. (Also, I wasn't sure if the "Do you" part was asking "Do you know what I should say" or "Do you know what to say?" Meh...)
1. Physically, I'm as fit as I've ever been. I'm getting stronger each day. Emotionally, I have contrasting feelings every moment. Anger with love. Frustration with relief. It's quite confusing. Although, for the most part, I am content.
2. (Because I'm not sure what you're looking for in terms of a response, I'll just go with the obvious.) I've made the same mistake twice, and I can't let it go. I want to. I want to move on. I was fine before I repeated. Also, I tend to linger too long on one issue. So I think next year is going to suck too. If it took me two years or so to get over the mistake the first time, it will take longer this time.
3. Whomever did comment, your response is one of the following:
Person 1: When friendships are rekindled, I can be happy with that. It's a nice feeling to know someone wants to see what I've accomplished so far. But when things get too emotional, I tend to bail out. Having a nice conversation is good. Poems that unintentionally make me feel guilty...not so good. So, back to quiet mode I go.
Person 2: You don't have to say "I'm sorry" or anything like that. We've known each other for over 5 years. So we didn't talk for an entire semester. You're not the only one I haven't talked to all semester long. Hell, there's people I haven't talked to since graduation.
Person 3: If the chance existed (a good chance) then I would quit everything for you. But, I can't do that. As good as it would be (for both you and I), there are others who depend on me as well. So, assuming there is a good chance, it is best that I ignore it. And if there's no chance at all, all the more reason to keep to myself. Judging from what I heard the last time we were in the same place, there is absolutely no chance. And that's completely acceptable. If you depend on me, I'm shocked. You're a very independent person. Say "Stay" and I'll stay. Say "Go" and I'll go.
Now, because I do not want to drag anyone into this, I will not give any person's name, first or last, on this blog for the questions thing. If you need names, email me. Or call me. Or text me. Or IM me. There are many options.
Now, on to the next set of questions...whenever they arrive.
{Editor's Note: There is a very slim chance that the person who commented is not one of the three people FBombAndy thought of. They could be a reader of his old blog, or they could have come from thefacebook.com, or they could have come from another's xanga or livejournal. If that's the case, sorry I didn't answer your question.}
1. Physically, I'm as fit as I've ever been. I'm getting stronger each day. Emotionally, I have contrasting feelings every moment. Anger with love. Frustration with relief. It's quite confusing. Although, for the most part, I am content.
2. (Because I'm not sure what you're looking for in terms of a response, I'll just go with the obvious.) I've made the same mistake twice, and I can't let it go. I want to. I want to move on. I was fine before I repeated. Also, I tend to linger too long on one issue. So I think next year is going to suck too. If it took me two years or so to get over the mistake the first time, it will take longer this time.
3. Whomever did comment, your response is one of the following:
Person 1: When friendships are rekindled, I can be happy with that. It's a nice feeling to know someone wants to see what I've accomplished so far. But when things get too emotional, I tend to bail out. Having a nice conversation is good. Poems that unintentionally make me feel guilty...not so good. So, back to quiet mode I go.
Person 2: You don't have to say "I'm sorry" or anything like that. We've known each other for over 5 years. So we didn't talk for an entire semester. You're not the only one I haven't talked to all semester long. Hell, there's people I haven't talked to since graduation.
Person 3: If the chance existed (a good chance) then I would quit everything for you. But, I can't do that. As good as it would be (for both you and I), there are others who depend on me as well. So, assuming there is a good chance, it is best that I ignore it. And if there's no chance at all, all the more reason to keep to myself. Judging from what I heard the last time we were in the same place, there is absolutely no chance. And that's completely acceptable. If you depend on me, I'm shocked. You're a very independent person. Say "Stay" and I'll stay. Say "Go" and I'll go.
Now, because I do not want to drag anyone into this, I will not give any person's name, first or last, on this blog for the questions thing. If you need names, email me. Or call me. Or text me. Or IM me. There are many options.
Now, on to the next set of questions...whenever they arrive.
{Editor's Note: There is a very slim chance that the person who commented is not one of the three people FBombAndy thought of. They could be a reader of his old blog, or they could have come from thefacebook.com, or they could have come from another's xanga or livejournal. If that's the case, sorry I didn't answer your question.}
Two-Seven-Eight
1. The last time I had watermelon bubble yum, I was 6 or so. Candy tastes so much better when you're young. So, to keep that instance, I have not chewed any since. This way, it will always be the best flavor ever to me.
2. I'm not trying harder because a) I'm lazy, b) I'm just now finding my motivation to do well, and c) because up until now, I've been going through classes on intelligence alone. As everyone tells me, there's more to college than being smart. So, I figure if I combine this intelligence with effort, I can do great things. I want to be great.
3. My brother and sister both came to UT. I felt compelled to follow in their footsteps. As much as I wanted to go to the same college as most of my friends did, I knew I would be less distracted in a new environment.
4. I have a basket that I keep dirty clothes in. I found it underneath the basket. I didn't find out until after I had finished my laundry. An odd number of clean socks. That just sucks.
5. I think she is incredibly materialistic. It's not her fault though. She's had a string of very fortunate relationships. Not to say that if I were rich, I wouldn't provide her with whatever she desired. But the simple fact is, I'm not rich.
Good questions, rowdielou.
I like this. I need more. Gimme, gimme, gimme.
2. I'm not trying harder because a) I'm lazy, b) I'm just now finding my motivation to do well, and c) because up until now, I've been going through classes on intelligence alone. As everyone tells me, there's more to college than being smart. So, I figure if I combine this intelligence with effort, I can do great things. I want to be great.
3. My brother and sister both came to UT. I felt compelled to follow in their footsteps. As much as I wanted to go to the same college as most of my friends did, I knew I would be less distracted in a new environment.
4. I have a basket that I keep dirty clothes in. I found it underneath the basket. I didn't find out until after I had finished my laundry. An odd number of clean socks. That just sucks.
5. I think she is incredibly materialistic. It's not her fault though. She's had a string of very fortunate relationships. Not to say that if I were rich, I wouldn't provide her with whatever she desired. But the simple fact is, I'm not rich.
Good questions, rowdielou.
I like this. I need more. Gimme, gimme, gimme.
Two-Seven-Seven
I saw this on someone else's blog. I'm going to modify it just a bit.
Ask any three questions. Hell, five if you can think up that many. I'll answer them. Honestly, I don't think I have anything to hide, and if I do, then this will show me what. (Note: If you have to comment anonymously, that's fine. Just include your first name at the very least.)
Christmas Eve. For me, just another day. But, my mom is coming down here to Austin to visit for the weekend. Then I'll spend a week or two at home. Could be fun. I don't know yet.
There's no basketball games today. That really sucks. So I guess I'll have to just find something else to do.
Ask any three questions. Hell, five if you can think up that many. I'll answer them. Honestly, I don't think I have anything to hide, and if I do, then this will show me what. (Note: If you have to comment anonymously, that's fine. Just include your first name at the very least.)
Christmas Eve. For me, just another day. But, my mom is coming down here to Austin to visit for the weekend. Then I'll spend a week or two at home. Could be fun. I don't know yet.
There's no basketball games today. That really sucks. So I guess I'll have to just find something else to do.
Thursday, December 23
Two-Seven-Six
Sometimes when I'm lost in my emotions, I forget that I understand people extremely well.
So, I'm looking at my schedule for next semester, and I think I'm going to change a class or two. I have this one-hour lab for Spanish that I can move around. I'm not feeling a 10 - 11 session right now. It really fits in with the rest of my schedule, but I've got a bad feeling about that time slot. I can move it an hour earlier or put it in the afternoon.
What I mean by "I understand people" is that I figure them out when they don't want me to. The subtle actions are plainly obvious because I overanalyze. I won't say I'm right all of the time, but I will say that I'm usually not wrong.
I'm too nice. I keep throwing myself to the ground like a door mat. That's gotta stop.
I knew it was a lie. I know the score. I know what's going to happen. It's better this way.
Does my search for perfection make me crazy? Does it make me sound like I'm crazy? I'll get my teeth straightened out, I might get lasik for my bad eyes, I might start working out tons more, and I might finally start putting 100% into my classes. That will put me as close to perfection as I'm going to get on my own. Or at least as perfect as I'm allowed. Then everyone who disappeared will look at me and ask, "Wow. What was I thinking when I chose to leave his side?" Or, for those that I left, I hope they say, "I wish he had never left me."
I'm going to walk right by them and not acknowledge their existence. And deep down, I hope they hurt. I want them to go home, bury their head into a pillow and just cry. (I used to be a nice guy. I don't know what's gotten into me.)
I've become a bit more motivated.
So, I'm looking at my schedule for next semester, and I think I'm going to change a class or two. I have this one-hour lab for Spanish that I can move around. I'm not feeling a 10 - 11 session right now. It really fits in with the rest of my schedule, but I've got a bad feeling about that time slot. I can move it an hour earlier or put it in the afternoon.
What I mean by "I understand people" is that I figure them out when they don't want me to. The subtle actions are plainly obvious because I overanalyze. I won't say I'm right all of the time, but I will say that I'm usually not wrong.
I'm too nice. I keep throwing myself to the ground like a door mat. That's gotta stop.
I knew it was a lie. I know the score. I know what's going to happen. It's better this way.
Does my search for perfection make me crazy? Does it make me sound like I'm crazy? I'll get my teeth straightened out, I might get lasik for my bad eyes, I might start working out tons more, and I might finally start putting 100% into my classes. That will put me as close to perfection as I'm going to get on my own. Or at least as perfect as I'm allowed. Then everyone who disappeared will look at me and ask, "Wow. What was I thinking when I chose to leave his side?" Or, for those that I left, I hope they say, "I wish he had never left me."
I'm going to walk right by them and not acknowledge their existence. And deep down, I hope they hurt. I want them to go home, bury their head into a pillow and just cry. (I used to be a nice guy. I don't know what's gotten into me.)
I've become a bit more motivated.
Wednesday, December 22
Two-Seven-Five
Not leaving yet. I've uploaded a bunch of pictures to a new blog. I have a link to the right under "My Links." All of the pictures were taken with my camera phone, so the quality isn't going to be great. Meh...
Almost 4. I'm the only one awake again. I love it...really.
I guess I can't really complain. It's natural to be asleep at this time. I should go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.
So, things aren't looking too bright. I'll have to console people. I don't mind. In my family, I am usually the person to provide compassion, sympathy, or whatever. I sort of have to be 'the man of the house.'
That's why my inner child is 16 years old. That's why my mid-life crisis is around the corner. But if it's my role, than I should accept it.
It's getting cold.
Almost 4. I'm the only one awake again. I love it...really.
I guess I can't really complain. It's natural to be asleep at this time. I should go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.
So, things aren't looking too bright. I'll have to console people. I don't mind. In my family, I am usually the person to provide compassion, sympathy, or whatever. I sort of have to be 'the man of the house.'
That's why my inner child is 16 years old. That's why my mid-life crisis is around the corner. But if it's my role, than I should accept it.
It's getting cold.
Tuesday, December 21
Two-Seven-Four
Yea, it was only 4 days. But 4 days is all I need for now. Maybe after this post, I'll have another 4.
I read over this entire blog and the one I wrote before I started this one (which I have conveniently made private...somewhat). There were some really good days. There were some days that frustrated me. But it all averages out to being decent year and a half.
This is what I've learned over my small getaway...
There's a reason why so few people actually listen today. It has to do with the 'surivival of the fittest' thing. People who do nothing but listen usually don't talk, which means they don't talk about their problems. Those who keep their problems to themselves are more likely to have heart attacks, illnesses, and such.
I am a true listener. I don't talk. And because of that, I sometimes collapse under the weight of my problems. Not to say that my problems are any more significant than your's. And I don't mean to imply that I have no one to talk to, because the truth is that I do have a few people I could discuss these things with. But because I hate depending on people, I try not to let myself become dependent on any one person. I can't assume that if I call my friend 'John Doe' that they will be free to listen to me.
Imagine that you're on the phone with some friend. They talk, talk, and talk. You sit there and listen. Then, when you want to do the talking, they have to go. Sometimes I feel that way. And I shouldn't. But that is the reason I have this blog. I can write everything I want to and just assume it's being read.
It's 4:43 AM. I want to call someone and just...I don't know. Deep down, I know I would love to talk. But the feeling I get from listening is great too. If someone called me, I would listen and love every moment of it. I wouldn't feel the need to say a word. And that means I wouldn't talk.
Everyone is asleep. Except for me. And really what I feel like doing is going for a walk. It's about 40-something degrees outside, but I'd manage. I'd walk along the streets and count the cars as they go by. I'd guess where they were headed. I'd wonder if they had a warm home to go to.
4 years ago, we talked on the phone. She noticed I was talking more than usual, and figured out that it was due to the drink in my hand. She made me promise I wouldn't drink again. That promise lasted a few months. So, if you want me to talk, get a drink in my hand.
I haven't had a drink in...16 months and about 8 days. I intend on seeing how long I can keep this up. So I guess I'm not talking anytime soon.
{Note: 4 seems to be the magic number...}
I read over this entire blog and the one I wrote before I started this one (which I have conveniently made private...somewhat). There were some really good days. There were some days that frustrated me. But it all averages out to being decent year and a half.
This is what I've learned over my small getaway...
There's a reason why so few people actually listen today. It has to do with the 'surivival of the fittest' thing. People who do nothing but listen usually don't talk, which means they don't talk about their problems. Those who keep their problems to themselves are more likely to have heart attacks, illnesses, and such.
I am a true listener. I don't talk. And because of that, I sometimes collapse under the weight of my problems. Not to say that my problems are any more significant than your's. And I don't mean to imply that I have no one to talk to, because the truth is that I do have a few people I could discuss these things with. But because I hate depending on people, I try not to let myself become dependent on any one person. I can't assume that if I call my friend 'John Doe' that they will be free to listen to me.
Imagine that you're on the phone with some friend. They talk, talk, and talk. You sit there and listen. Then, when you want to do the talking, they have to go. Sometimes I feel that way. And I shouldn't. But that is the reason I have this blog. I can write everything I want to and just assume it's being read.
It's 4:43 AM. I want to call someone and just...I don't know. Deep down, I know I would love to talk. But the feeling I get from listening is great too. If someone called me, I would listen and love every moment of it. I wouldn't feel the need to say a word. And that means I wouldn't talk.
Everyone is asleep. Except for me. And really what I feel like doing is going for a walk. It's about 40-something degrees outside, but I'd manage. I'd walk along the streets and count the cars as they go by. I'd guess where they were headed. I'd wonder if they had a warm home to go to.
4 years ago, we talked on the phone. She noticed I was talking more than usual, and figured out that it was due to the drink in my hand. She made me promise I wouldn't drink again. That promise lasted a few months. So, if you want me to talk, get a drink in my hand.
I haven't had a drink in...16 months and about 8 days. I intend on seeing how long I can keep this up. So I guess I'm not talking anytime soon.
{Note: 4 seems to be the magic number...}
Friday, December 17
Two-Seven-Three
Ok. After doing a little reading and looking at some things...
...I'm going into hibernation for a long time. Maybe 4 or 5 days. Could be weeks. Some things have just come up, and I really need to get some work done.
A haiku?
"Trapped inside of me
Something is ready to burst
Red snow on the walls"
...I'm going into hibernation for a long time. Maybe 4 or 5 days. Could be weeks. Some things have just come up, and I really need to get some work done.
A haiku?
"Trapped inside of me
Something is ready to burst
Red snow on the walls"
Thursday, December 16
Two-Seven-Two
Sorry, but the posting may slow down and speed up without warning. This month and the next are harsh for me. No, nothing to do with Christmas...
Firstly, as some of you know, or don't know, I don't celebrate Christmas. For the next sentence, I will break my own rule regarding the use of the word 'religion.' Oh wait, I guess it's obvious now. So I don't have to break my rule.
Looking around and seeing everyone celebrate does not bother me one bit. Even though I don't participate, I do observe many good things about Christmas. People are truly different this time of year. Smiles are more frequently sighted. Hugs seem to be given everywhere. And for a few days, there are no selfish thoughts.
What brings me down is my memory. For some reason, I remember more events of my life during the Winter. I'm 100% certain it has to do with the cold. Or it could be when I go for walks at night. I usually walk alone, and I get plenty of thinking done. I guess that triggers it.
For instance, the other night I walked to a nearby gas station to pick up some soda and candy. I've really become addicted to those Reese's Fastbreak bars. Real good. As I walked along my street, the street lights and empty road reminded me of Mesquite. I also thought of those late night drives, the trips to Fort Worth, and the fun summer when my brother was taking pictures of businesses for some web company and I would go with him. We would get sent to Farmers Branch, and I remember this one time when we saw some chics in bikinis and playing in some sprinklers. Oh, how I love Farmers Branch.
Since these are good memories, how about some more?
4 years ago, I was at this chic's house. A chic that I liked. And she liked me. (Stupid high school. "Like" is used all the time...) I met her parents. They liked me too. I spent all afternoon there.
The same chic I wrestled with on the bus for an hour. (Not the hurting type. The fun type.) And then kept her warm as she took a nap. Woke her up when we got back to the school. All chics have that 'just woke up' voice, and it is just one of the hottest things.
The same chic I gave a second chance.
And the same chic who blew that second chance.
Ask me, "Would you do it all again?" I'd always answer, "Yes. Yes I would."
And there I go again. I went from good to bad.
Firstly, as some of you know, or don't know, I don't celebrate Christmas. For the next sentence, I will break my own rule regarding the use of the word 'religion.' Oh wait, I guess it's obvious now. So I don't have to break my rule.
Looking around and seeing everyone celebrate does not bother me one bit. Even though I don't participate, I do observe many good things about Christmas. People are truly different this time of year. Smiles are more frequently sighted. Hugs seem to be given everywhere. And for a few days, there are no selfish thoughts.
What brings me down is my memory. For some reason, I remember more events of my life during the Winter. I'm 100% certain it has to do with the cold. Or it could be when I go for walks at night. I usually walk alone, and I get plenty of thinking done. I guess that triggers it.
For instance, the other night I walked to a nearby gas station to pick up some soda and candy. I've really become addicted to those Reese's Fastbreak bars. Real good. As I walked along my street, the street lights and empty road reminded me of Mesquite. I also thought of those late night drives, the trips to Fort Worth, and the fun summer when my brother was taking pictures of businesses for some web company and I would go with him. We would get sent to Farmers Branch, and I remember this one time when we saw some chics in bikinis and playing in some sprinklers. Oh, how I love Farmers Branch.
Since these are good memories, how about some more?
4 years ago, I was at this chic's house. A chic that I liked. And she liked me. (Stupid high school. "Like" is used all the time...) I met her parents. They liked me too. I spent all afternoon there.
The same chic I wrestled with on the bus for an hour. (Not the hurting type. The fun type.) And then kept her warm as she took a nap. Woke her up when we got back to the school. All chics have that 'just woke up' voice, and it is just one of the hottest things.
The same chic I gave a second chance.
And the same chic who blew that second chance.
Ask me, "Would you do it all again?" I'd always answer, "Yes. Yes I would."
And there I go again. I went from good to bad.
Tuesday, December 14
Two-Seven-One
I truly believe that if you pass the final for the course, you should pass the course. Especially if the final is cumulative. So, after saying that, I think I passed my Logic final. I better damn well pass that class. I know I did better than a lot of people in there. Oh man, I'm just digging my hole for disappointment by saying all this.
Now that finals are over, I just want to sleep for a long time. I get to relax now. This is good.
I'm worried about something. I'm constantly going through scenarios in my head, you know, the whole 'what if' thing. An example from last week, 'what if I bomb my Spanish final like I bomb most finals?' Then I go through the motions in my head, figure out the consequences, and judge my reaction. (By the way, haven't I already mentioned what goes on in my head?) So, this can be very beneficial at times. It can really soften a blow like doing crappy on a final. It makes me feel prepared for failure. And if I don't fail, then I feel more relieved than if I had expected success. You see? Does this make sense?
But, there are negative side-effects. If I go through these motions concerning specific people's actions, I can end up alienating myself from them. I can ask 'what if they do this' and end up disliking the person, even though they didn't do a thing.
So, to get to the point, I think I've been going through scenarios too much lately. I find that my feelings for some people are reversing in a quick manner. Some from bad to worse, but others from good to better. I'm just afraid that someday, I'm going to flip off someone and they will have no idea why.
Maybe I do need those sedatives...
Now that finals are over, I just want to sleep for a long time. I get to relax now. This is good.
I'm worried about something. I'm constantly going through scenarios in my head, you know, the whole 'what if' thing. An example from last week, 'what if I bomb my Spanish final like I bomb most finals?' Then I go through the motions in my head, figure out the consequences, and judge my reaction. (By the way, haven't I already mentioned what goes on in my head?) So, this can be very beneficial at times. It can really soften a blow like doing crappy on a final. It makes me feel prepared for failure. And if I don't fail, then I feel more relieved than if I had expected success. You see? Does this make sense?
But, there are negative side-effects. If I go through these motions concerning specific people's actions, I can end up alienating myself from them. I can ask 'what if they do this' and end up disliking the person, even though they didn't do a thing.
So, to get to the point, I think I've been going through scenarios too much lately. I find that my feelings for some people are reversing in a quick manner. Some from bad to worse, but others from good to better. I'm just afraid that someday, I'm going to flip off someone and they will have no idea why.
Maybe I do need those sedatives...
Monday, December 13
Two-Seven-Zero
For the benefit of all, if you want to see the uncut version of this post, please highlight the text.
Time Warner is grabbing all of their Mavs fans here in Austin, bending them over, and fucking them in the ass. This is total bullshit. I mean, if you put on your listings, "Mavericks @ Chicago" then you better damn well deliver. Fuck Time and Warner! Messing with my emotions, getting me all excited to finally see a Mavs game, and then pure fucking disappointment. Is this just another cruel joke on me? The past 19 or so days have been fucking hell. I want to take it out on someone.
If I wasn't pissed before, I'm sure as hell pissed now.
Time Warner is grabbing all of their Mavs fans here in Austin, bending them over, and fucking them in the ass. This is total bullshit. I mean, if you put on your listings, "Mavericks @ Chicago" then you better damn well deliver. Fuck Time and Warner! Messing with my emotions, getting me all excited to finally see a Mavs game, and then pure fucking disappointment. Is this just another cruel joke on me? The past 19 or so days have been fucking hell. I want to take it out on someone.
If I wasn't pissed before, I'm sure as hell pissed now.
Two-Six-Nine
There's an FBomb.com. They sell shirts and stuff. I like it. I'm not exactly sure about how long they've been around, but I tip my hat to them. I might get me a shirt soon.
There is no FBombAndy.com. I might buy this domain and make it my own. Would be cool.
Going to study for my Logic final. This is going to be the hardest one, and I would really, really like it if I did well. Luckily, it's at 2PM, so I can stay up late studying and wake up refreshed at 11 or so. I think this could go well. But I really need to get the proofs down and memorized. A tall task for my memory.
Either way, I think that they are going to air the Mavs game here in Austin, so that is really going to interfere with my studying. Beh...
There is no FBombAndy.com. I might buy this domain and make it my own. Would be cool.
Going to study for my Logic final. This is going to be the hardest one, and I would really, really like it if I did well. Luckily, it's at 2PM, so I can stay up late studying and wake up refreshed at 11 or so. I think this could go well. But I really need to get the proofs down and memorized. A tall task for my memory.
Either way, I think that they are going to air the Mavs game here in Austin, so that is really going to interfere with my studying. Beh...
Sunday, December 12
Two-Six-Eight
I have a final in 8 hours and 49 minutes. Considering that I am going to have to wake up at 6:30 to make it on campus with time to eat, I should really be sleeping right now.
So, how about that Lindsay Lohan? She was on SNL, and she's looking nice. Also saw that Avril Lavigne video. She looks more...mature. I'm really liking this. My options are wide open.
I'm really moving forward. I'm really making progress. Today felt normal. I felt normal. So, I think I can stop thinking about alcohol now. Yes, I miss it, but I'll be better off without something of that nature in my system. It does help me talk though...
So, I don't have much on my mind right now. This must be the perfect time for me to go to sleep.
So, how about that Lindsay Lohan? She was on SNL, and she's looking nice. Also saw that Avril Lavigne video. She looks more...mature. I'm really liking this. My options are wide open.
I'm really moving forward. I'm really making progress. Today felt normal. I felt normal. So, I think I can stop thinking about alcohol now. Yes, I miss it, but I'll be better off without something of that nature in my system. It does help me talk though...
So, I don't have much on my mind right now. This must be the perfect time for me to go to sleep.
Saturday, December 11
Two-Six-Seven
You know what? Brandon is completely right. I think too much. That most definitely is the result of not having any alcohol in my system.
He also helped me realize something else. It makes perfect sense. Why not just be there, as a friend? And as a friend, I shouldn't think about becoming anything more. A ton of sites out there say that all guys want to screw their female friends. Well, there's always an exception.
You see, I might be quiet. I might not be the best at keeping a conversation going. I might not always say what's on my mind. But I know how to be a good friend. I know how to be a good person. I do not mean to 'toot my own horn' or anything. It's just that I know I can be this because I have before. I don't talk. I listen. That's all I can do. And isn't that what every female says they want from their man?
She's great, and she's awesome. As a friend, I can only wish her all the happiness in the world. There are three things I offer to my close friends. One, if you want to come over to my place at any hour just to hang out, that's fine with me. Really, any hour. Two, if you want me to be somewhere, I'll do my best to be there. Three, if you want me to do something, I'll try my best to get it done.
For example, take the Nov. 18th post. She casually dropped the information of when and where she was performing. Then, the topic shifted to something else I can't remember. Later that afternoon, I found a map and headed over there. I stood in the back of the crowd so I could really surprise her. Right after it was over, I slowly walked over to her group of friends that showed up as well. She saw me, her eyes lit up, and her jaw dropped. She was so happy. And if showing up makes her happy, I'll show up. If I have to walk through rain or snow to show up, then I'll start walking now.
So now I feel much better. I can focus more on looking around. And if that woman is perfect for me, by all means. Spring semesters are better for starting a relationship anyway. After a month, you have St. Valentine's Day. Then there's Spring Break. A straight shot to summer vacation, and if you've been a good couple, things are perfect for the summer. Considering that I turn 21 in August, the timeline is perfect.
If you start a thing during the Fall semester, you have to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas. She might not have to meet your parents, but you'll probably have to meet her's.
Two more finals. Then I start my vacation. And damnit, I'm going to make sure I have a good vacation. I'll spend a week at home, then I'll come back and just relax.
He also helped me realize something else. It makes perfect sense. Why not just be there, as a friend? And as a friend, I shouldn't think about becoming anything more. A ton of sites out there say that all guys want to screw their female friends. Well, there's always an exception.
You see, I might be quiet. I might not be the best at keeping a conversation going. I might not always say what's on my mind. But I know how to be a good friend. I know how to be a good person. I do not mean to 'toot my own horn' or anything. It's just that I know I can be this because I have before. I don't talk. I listen. That's all I can do. And isn't that what every female says they want from their man?
She's great, and she's awesome. As a friend, I can only wish her all the happiness in the world. There are three things I offer to my close friends. One, if you want to come over to my place at any hour just to hang out, that's fine with me. Really, any hour. Two, if you want me to be somewhere, I'll do my best to be there. Three, if you want me to do something, I'll try my best to get it done.
For example, take the Nov. 18th post. She casually dropped the information of when and where she was performing. Then, the topic shifted to something else I can't remember. Later that afternoon, I found a map and headed over there. I stood in the back of the crowd so I could really surprise her. Right after it was over, I slowly walked over to her group of friends that showed up as well. She saw me, her eyes lit up, and her jaw dropped. She was so happy. And if showing up makes her happy, I'll show up. If I have to walk through rain or snow to show up, then I'll start walking now.
So now I feel much better. I can focus more on looking around. And if that woman is perfect for me, by all means. Spring semesters are better for starting a relationship anyway. After a month, you have St. Valentine's Day. Then there's Spring Break. A straight shot to summer vacation, and if you've been a good couple, things are perfect for the summer. Considering that I turn 21 in August, the timeline is perfect.
If you start a thing during the Fall semester, you have to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas. She might not have to meet your parents, but you'll probably have to meet her's.
Two more finals. Then I start my vacation. And damnit, I'm going to make sure I have a good vacation. I'll spend a week at home, then I'll come back and just relax.
Two-Six-Six
Everytime I want to leave, they drag me back in.
So, I spent a whole 18 hours away from the blog, but in that time, I didn't really get anything out of my head. My dream sucked, and it felt like a 4 hour long movie. That's weird for dreams. In my dream, I did what I would have done 4 years ago. I picked up my stuff and walked away. Angrily.
I do feel a bit better since the last post though. Talking about it really helped. That's right, I actually talked about my emotions and stuff. A historical day for the world. But I'm still not picking up the phone to call people anytime soon.
So yea, I'm going to eat, study, maybe post again because I can't stop.
So, I spent a whole 18 hours away from the blog, but in that time, I didn't really get anything out of my head. My dream sucked, and it felt like a 4 hour long movie. That's weird for dreams. In my dream, I did what I would have done 4 years ago. I picked up my stuff and walked away. Angrily.
I do feel a bit better since the last post though. Talking about it really helped. That's right, I actually talked about my emotions and stuff. A historical day for the world. But I'm still not picking up the phone to call people anytime soon.
So yea, I'm going to eat, study, maybe post again because I can't stop.
Friday, December 10
Two-Six-Five
I didn't go through with it. I wanted to. I was two words away. But I bailed out. The things she said...I just can't interfere. It's not my place. I don't want to ruin anything. Once again, I find something I enjoy, and I have to stop and quit. At least until next semester. More cruel jokes. But I'm not broken, yet.
On the bright side, it's not the end of the world.
I'm really tired. She even said so. I have two more finals. I have one on Monday and one on Tuesday. But for now, I'm going on vacation. I'm going to try to get away from posting for a while. If I keep writing, I'm going to keep digging my grave.
Almost back to drinking. Almost.
On the bright side, it's not the end of the world.
I'm really tired. She even said so. I have two more finals. I have one on Monday and one on Tuesday. But for now, I'm going on vacation. I'm going to try to get away from posting for a while. If I keep writing, I'm going to keep digging my grave.
Almost back to drinking. Almost.
Thursday, December 9
Two-Six-Four
I'm about to go to bed. But before I do, I want to give all of my readers a chance to be inside my head. Seriously, every thought floating around. Don't be surprised if it jumps around a lot.
What if I've waited too long? Should I make physical contact to show that I'm sincere? Will it be cold tomorrow? Does the longer I wait after the final affect my chances? Should I dress up a little more than usual? Jeans, perhaps? I don't wear jeans as much as I should. I think I look half-way decent in jeans. Khaki is my bread and butter though. I really want to play basketball tomorrow. But everyone will be busy studying and what-not. Hopefully Ryan and I can play Saturday. I need some way to release all of my stress. After watching T-Mac shoot the lights out in the last minute, I feel like I'll play twice as good as I did in the last game. It's been a while. I think I would like it more if I had an audience. A female audience. I really want to get footage of me playing. I want to fix my shooting form, but I need a different perspective. I wonder how I should fix my hair tomorrow. I like the smooth in the front, spiked in the back look. Maybe a long sleeve shirt would be nice. But it'll have to be moderately cool. I like this remix of Hollow. I'll listen to it on the bus. Am I really accurate on my instincts? I think I know what's going on, but I do feel a little confused. Where does being friendly end? I should really learn to pick up the phone more to call people. I have issues, but I've gotta deal with them sometime. I do want to go home, but I don't. I'll probably be bored at home. And here, well, I really call Austin home. What if I say things completely wrong tomorrow? What if I totally screw up? Well, if I were to screw up, I think she would understand. I told her at the beginning that I'm a very quiet person. I don't go around meeting new people. I don't like a lot of people. I'm too forgetful to remember anyone anyways. Even if everything goes my way, what will this vacation be like? And what the hell am I going to do about that? I think I'm totally fooling myself. When I say that I want to be there for everyone, all of the time, it does seem impossible. I can't go around pleasing everyone. I don't think I'm up to the task. I shouldn't get negative now. I have to go through with it. Oh man, I just know I'm going to be down for a while. Not matter how much I prepare for a letdown, it's still gonna suck. I want to sleep. I'll get to tomorrow faster and get the results faster. Besides, even if the aftermath sucks, at least I'll know I did well in Spanish.
And with that, I'm off to bed. I probably won't post again until tomorrow night (which will be the aftermath), so good luck to me.
What if I've waited too long? Should I make physical contact to show that I'm sincere? Will it be cold tomorrow? Does the longer I wait after the final affect my chances? Should I dress up a little more than usual? Jeans, perhaps? I don't wear jeans as much as I should. I think I look half-way decent in jeans. Khaki is my bread and butter though. I really want to play basketball tomorrow. But everyone will be busy studying and what-not. Hopefully Ryan and I can play Saturday. I need some way to release all of my stress. After watching T-Mac shoot the lights out in the last minute, I feel like I'll play twice as good as I did in the last game. It's been a while. I think I would like it more if I had an audience. A female audience. I really want to get footage of me playing. I want to fix my shooting form, but I need a different perspective. I wonder how I should fix my hair tomorrow. I like the smooth in the front, spiked in the back look. Maybe a long sleeve shirt would be nice. But it'll have to be moderately cool. I like this remix of Hollow. I'll listen to it on the bus. Am I really accurate on my instincts? I think I know what's going on, but I do feel a little confused. Where does being friendly end? I should really learn to pick up the phone more to call people. I have issues, but I've gotta deal with them sometime. I do want to go home, but I don't. I'll probably be bored at home. And here, well, I really call Austin home. What if I say things completely wrong tomorrow? What if I totally screw up? Well, if I were to screw up, I think she would understand. I told her at the beginning that I'm a very quiet person. I don't go around meeting new people. I don't like a lot of people. I'm too forgetful to remember anyone anyways. Even if everything goes my way, what will this vacation be like? And what the hell am I going to do about that? I think I'm totally fooling myself. When I say that I want to be there for everyone, all of the time, it does seem impossible. I can't go around pleasing everyone. I don't think I'm up to the task. I shouldn't get negative now. I have to go through with it. Oh man, I just know I'm going to be down for a while. Not matter how much I prepare for a letdown, it's still gonna suck. I want to sleep. I'll get to tomorrow faster and get the results faster. Besides, even if the aftermath sucks, at least I'll know I did well in Spanish.
And with that, I'm off to bed. I probably won't post again until tomorrow night (which will be the aftermath), so good luck to me.
Judgment
By this time tomorrow, we will all know where I stand. I will have taken my first final of the semester. I'll also have attempted to create something more out of something. Vague? You betcha.
This is my plan. I want to go to sleep sometime around 2, wake up at 10, take my daily morning shower, eat breakfast, and catch the bus at around 11. That means I should be on campus by 12. That will give me plenty of time to study just a little bit more before the test. It will also give my a chance to cool down and relax. I find that if I think too much before a test, I usually screw it up.
Those who have played basketball with me know that I have what they call, 'a lot of heart.' When I get hurt, or I just start tiring out, I keep on playing. I don't like to stop. When I'm playing basketball, 70% of the time my mind is completely empty and free. The other 30%, I force myself to think that I'm playing in front of someone or some people. When I feel under pressure, my heart rate shoots through the roof and I get a sudden second wind.
As I prepare for tomorrow, I'm slowly increasing my heart rate. I want to push through to the end. I don't want to walk off of this court without a smile. If I'm going to walk away with a loss, I'm at least going to know that I gave it everything I had. If my best isn't good enough, then so be it. (Leave it to me to use a basketball analogy for this situation.)
So, I just realized that this post has taken me 40 minutes. I found myself completely spaced out for about 20 mintes. By the which, T-Mac is insane. 13 points in the last 35 seconds to stun the Spurs. I've found more inspiration...
This is my plan. I want to go to sleep sometime around 2, wake up at 10, take my daily morning shower, eat breakfast, and catch the bus at around 11. That means I should be on campus by 12. That will give me plenty of time to study just a little bit more before the test. It will also give my a chance to cool down and relax. I find that if I think too much before a test, I usually screw it up.
Those who have played basketball with me know that I have what they call, 'a lot of heart.' When I get hurt, or I just start tiring out, I keep on playing. I don't like to stop. When I'm playing basketball, 70% of the time my mind is completely empty and free. The other 30%, I force myself to think that I'm playing in front of someone or some people. When I feel under pressure, my heart rate shoots through the roof and I get a sudden second wind.
As I prepare for tomorrow, I'm slowly increasing my heart rate. I want to push through to the end. I don't want to walk off of this court without a smile. If I'm going to walk away with a loss, I'm at least going to know that I gave it everything I had. If my best isn't good enough, then so be it. (Leave it to me to use a basketball analogy for this situation.)
So, I just realized that this post has taken me 40 minutes. I found myself completely spaced out for about 20 mintes. By the which, T-Mac is insane. 13 points in the last 35 seconds to stun the Spurs. I've found more inspiration...
Still
After a good night's rest...
...I'm still haunted and dominated. I'm trying though. Pretty soon, I'll have to stop dreaming.
Maybe I'm just thinking about tomorrow too much. Maybe I'm a little tense about what may happen. Damn my need to overanalyze a situation!
...I'm still haunted and dominated. I'm trying though. Pretty soon, I'll have to stop dreaming.
Maybe I'm just thinking about tomorrow too much. Maybe I'm a little tense about what may happen. Damn my need to overanalyze a situation!
Wednesday, December 8
Incredible
Now that I really think about it, the end of my dream, my classes...
...she is so dominating. She totally dominated me. And she still dominates me.
...she is so dominating. She totally dominated me. And she still dominates me.
An Instance
That was totally weird.
At the end of my dream, right before I woke up, I was in my room and someone was at my door calling me. But they were calling me "Pablo Diablo." Only one person calls me that...
I just know that when I heard it, my instincts were to wake up. So I did. Too bad she wasn't at my door in real life. It was disappointing.
At the end of my dream, right before I woke up, I was in my room and someone was at my door calling me. But they were calling me "Pablo Diablo." Only one person calls me that...
I just know that when I heard it, my instincts were to wake up. So I did. Too bad she wasn't at my door in real life. It was disappointing.
Tuesday, December 7
Thoughts
I have this idea. Fermin did this thing where people asked for a post about them and he wrote one. I don't want to blatantly steal this idea, but if you leave a comment, I'll post the song that I think represents you best.
To Tina
Cats singing songs of misery
Everyone's around to hear it,
To hear does not mean to listen,
This makes me want to shout, "I quit!"
Do you need someone to listen?
Do you want someone's open ear?
Validation? Affirmation?
To provide it, I'm standing here.
-by FBombAndy
Everyone's around to hear it,
To hear does not mean to listen,
This makes me want to shout, "I quit!"
Do you need someone to listen?
Do you want someone's open ear?
Validation? Affirmation?
To provide it, I'm standing here.
-by FBombAndy
Monday, December 6
Truthfully
I wonder if I come off as being judgmental. I notice that when certain people say things that might be offensive/controversial/unexpected, they look at me for a reaction. I try not to give one to them. I don't care what you've done in the past, and I don't care about your personal information, so long as you treat me right presently.
I don't think I'm difficult to get along with. Because I don't speak much, I don't really offend anyone. I don't start arguments, and I try to avoid confrontations if at all possible. I'll be the first to give in just to stop a debate.
I know what my flaws are though. I never call anyone. I never initiate any conversations.
Everytime I feel like calling someone, I get this thought in my head that they might be busy. They might not want to talk with me. If everyone in the world thought that way, there'd be no use for any communication device, I know. I'm just very shy. I'd rather miss out on a great conversation than call someone and hear, "Let me call you back later," or "I'm kind of busy." I know exactly why, but that's an issue I don't want to dive into.
And I think it's this mentality that's killing me right now. I can't break out of it. I'm sorry.
I don't think I'm difficult to get along with. Because I don't speak much, I don't really offend anyone. I don't start arguments, and I try to avoid confrontations if at all possible. I'll be the first to give in just to stop a debate.
I know what my flaws are though. I never call anyone. I never initiate any conversations.
Everytime I feel like calling someone, I get this thought in my head that they might be busy. They might not want to talk with me. If everyone in the world thought that way, there'd be no use for any communication device, I know. I'm just very shy. I'd rather miss out on a great conversation than call someone and hear, "Let me call you back later," or "I'm kind of busy." I know exactly why, but that's an issue I don't want to dive into.
And I think it's this mentality that's killing me right now. I can't break out of it. I'm sorry.
Sunday, December 5
Incomplete
If I were to say to her, "I want you all to myself," would that be selfish of me? Even if it's for her own benefit as well?
At least I know what I've been meaning to say. Speechlessness can really suck.
So do anxiety attacks. They suck bad.
As each day passes, I'm starting to sleep better at night. I know one night a couple of nights ago was practically worthless. I spent what felt like 5 hours just laying there and thinking. I thought about everything I felt and everything I needed to express. Then the next night, I spent only an hour doing so. And last night, I fell asleep rather quickly. Tonight, I hope to just pass out. This week is going to tear me apart, but I'll make it through.
And I hope I make it through with a deeper bond at the end of the week. It's not very often that I get attached to someone. I have my handful of friends from high school that I would sacrifice myself for. I have maybe 2 or 3 people here in Austin that I would do the same for. But this one...what a spell I've been placed under. Never have I grown attached to someone this fast.
And I don't mind being selfish.
At least I know what I've been meaning to say. Speechlessness can really suck.
So do anxiety attacks. They suck bad.
As each day passes, I'm starting to sleep better at night. I know one night a couple of nights ago was practically worthless. I spent what felt like 5 hours just laying there and thinking. I thought about everything I felt and everything I needed to express. Then the next night, I spent only an hour doing so. And last night, I fell asleep rather quickly. Tonight, I hope to just pass out. This week is going to tear me apart, but I'll make it through.
And I hope I make it through with a deeper bond at the end of the week. It's not very often that I get attached to someone. I have my handful of friends from high school that I would sacrifice myself for. I have maybe 2 or 3 people here in Austin that I would do the same for. But this one...what a spell I've been placed under. Never have I grown attached to someone this fast.
And I don't mind being selfish.
Wednesday, December 1
Total Downer
You know the scene in Silence of the Lambs with the officer hanging in front of the cell totally eviscerated? I feel like that sometimes. Most of today in fact. I tried taking a nap, but that didn't bring much relief. No, it's nothing with being sick. Just being incredibly down. For a week. Down, not depressed. I don't feel like the world is going to end.
You can't lose something you never had. No matter if you truly believed you had it. Ignorance really is bliss.
So now I look forward to next semester. I haven't even finished the last week of class and I'm already giving up on feeling complete at the end of it all. Not like I know that feeling anyway.
"She kisses you with tongue and
Pulls you to the ground,
Don't go, you'll only want to come back again
So don't get any big ideas,
They're not gonna happen
You'll close it off for what you need,
She can't escape you
And now that you find it, it's gone
And now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rail"
Radiohead - Big Ideas
And oh so true. Really, don't get ideas. They really don't happen. Best not to dream either. All that talk about dreams coming true or that every dog has his day...total bullshit. Hope really is an imaginary tool to help ease the pain of knowing that bad things happen to good people, and that there really is nothing to be optimistic about.
{Note: I apologize if this depresses anyone. That isn't my intention.}
You can't lose something you never had. No matter if you truly believed you had it. Ignorance really is bliss.
So now I look forward to next semester. I haven't even finished the last week of class and I'm already giving up on feeling complete at the end of it all. Not like I know that feeling anyway.
"She kisses you with tongue and
Pulls you to the ground,
Don't go, you'll only want to come back again
So don't get any big ideas,
They're not gonna happen
You'll close it off for what you need,
She can't escape you
And now that you find it, it's gone
And now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rail"
Radiohead - Big Ideas
And oh so true. Really, don't get ideas. They really don't happen. Best not to dream either. All that talk about dreams coming true or that every dog has his day...total bullshit. Hope really is an imaginary tool to help ease the pain of knowing that bad things happen to good people, and that there really is nothing to be optimistic about.
{Note: I apologize if this depresses anyone. That isn't my intention.}
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