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Something hit me today.

I was on the bus, on my way back home from class. I watched the road go by and thought about everything I could remember. And honestly, that isn't much. But I do remember little things from elementary school and such.

I don't know when the teachers spotted it. I didn't turn in my homework. I just didn't like doing work of any kind when I was at home. There were so many other fun things to do. Somehow I managed to get exceptional grades on every test. For the most part, I was well-behaved. Every now and then I would get into trouble for talking during class. Only twice was I sent to the principal's office, and both of those times were truly misunderstandings.

But I guess it was in 2nd or 3rd grade that my parents spoke with my teachers. They came to the conclusion that I was gifted or something. So, I was signed up for crappy alternative classes. They were at a different school and it was only once a week. I stopped going. I would make excuses up. Unless there was a cool field trip.

In middle school, I was signed up for GT classes. The 'Gifted and Talented' program. Whatever. I hated English, so I didn't do my work in there. And I got kicked out. For some reason, I feel that was a great point in my life. I realized that if I didn't want to be there, they couldn't make me.

But I loved science and math. So I did just enough work to stay in those classes. I would look at my current grades on homework and tests, and then figure out what the least amount of work was necessary to get an 'A' or 'B.' I just did the bare minimum.

In high school, I almost got back into Honors English. But no, there were schedule conflicts. Oh well. I went through high school using half of my ass and doing just well enough. I have witnesses that will tell you about my naps during class, my drinking during class, my drawings, my plays, anything but doing work. I would miss at least a day every week. And just because.

So, I'm sitting on the bus and trying to figure out why I acted this way. Why hold back?

Yes, a basketball analogy is in order.

When I played ball with my bro and Erik the second time, Erik got onto me for not playing defense. He said that 'I sucked at defense.' So I told him that 'I play defense when I want to.' He didn't believe me. So the next time my bro got the ball, I shut him down. I swatted his shot and made it look easy. Then I explained to Erik that I truly play my best offense when I want to. So he tried playing defense on me, I dribbled circles around him, and then knocked down a shot. I proved my point.

I only give 100% effort when I feel like it. And that's not very often. That's what hit me today.

And I don't know why I'm like this. I can't think of any one person who has seen me go all out for something or someone.

Oh, yesterday was the 13th. 23 months without a drink. I plan to go 2 years and a week. Then I'll try it all again. Maybe it's the one thing that can set me free. I'm not kidding either. I'm a different person when there's a drop of alcohol in my system.

Yea, people tell you that being smart is a gift. But if I could give this 'gift' to anyone else, I would. I would rather be in the middle, average, normal, etc. But I guess that all breaks down to my little martyr-complex.

I don't know. I'm going to sleep.

Song of the Moment: Audioslave - The Worm