I looked at a picture of myself when I was in high school. I looked in the mirror. I finally see the differences regarding my overall attitude as expressed by my face.
In high school, there was no smile, no frown, nothing. There were no hints about how I felt. Everything was well-hidden, at least to the people who didn't talk to me regularly. Yet, people knew I was really a nice person who doesn't open up easily.
I saw bitterness in the mirror. I saw nothing but pure anger and frustration. My natural facial expression is just a sight to see. My eyes could burn holes through a person's conscience. It's amazing really. And then I realized it...
These eyes are why no one sits next to me on the bus. These eyes are why it's rare that someone initiates a conversation with me. It's this expression that separates me from the rest of society. Thankfully...
I am the guy in the corner that just stands there, looking around suspiciously. I am the guy at the party who drinks by himself, if I could drink that is. I am the guy who answers complicated questions with simple answers, just to bail out of talking. I am the guy who gives undemanded honesty and hurts those he knows.
I'm betting my money on the fact that it's probably a phase. It will disappear soon enough, if I'm right.
I think I'm just tired. I think I'm going to hit my mid-life crisis at 20. I think I'm going to say things I shouldn't. I think I'm going to isolate myself from all others. I guess it's that time again...
What to do...what to do...
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1 comment:
From someone who knows ...
This is me, your buddy B talking, straight from my heart and my experience. You know me (better than most can say --- in that, you know I have feelings). In high school, I was emotional (not crying, boo-who) reactioning with my heart rather than my mind in most situations.
I was full of pride ... not a snobbiness toward others ... but I was proud that I could always make people believe me or in me.
I was a straight up asshole and loved everybit of it. But on the other end of the spectrum, I could usually turn someone's perception of me around.
Then after school there was the realization of life and the desire to abandon that past. That is the first step: convincing yourself you are a decent person.
Then comes convincing your friends through your actions. At this point you are confident and think you have passed the most difficult of tasks.
The hardest part is the sorrow. You can't describe it, it is just there ... always lurking and presenting it self at the most inopportune times.
Man, it gets harder before it gets easier, but look into yourself and decide who you want to be. In the very deepest of your heart, you are already that person, you just have to find a way to manifest it.
I'm always here. Later.
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