How about a review of the past year? Will that satiate your hunger?
January
I liked brunettes. Great post. First found out about a blood problem. Another great post.
February
Apparently, I'm desensitized. Tried the questions thing for the first time back then. First looked 'tired.' Developed my first ulcer, requiring an ER visit.
March
First feeling of total defeat and helplessness. Doctors and appointments. What I miss. Hung some chic's panties on the door of my dorm. Funny. Started this blog.
April
Boring. More medical tests. Still don't like places with books. Bruises. More dreaming. Pissed by the end.
May
Quit my old blog. Weird dreams. First wanted to 'break up' with friends. Finals, and then my nephew was born. First long vacation from blogging starts.
June
Back from vacation. Summer school. 9 posts for the month. Unbelievable.
July
First mention of a bone marrow aspiration. Got my cable internet.
August
First saw my own bitterness. First stated my search for perfection. Had the bone marrow aspiration procedure. Fun sedatives. Turned 20 the next day. Played basketball with a bruised hip two days later. Fun. Spanish group signup.
September
Got the results of the bone marrow aspiration. Started the quizzes. Met the person I called my 'partner in crime.' Upgraded my phone. Almost hit by a truck. One word brought me down.
October
Found my inspiration. Began to think my existence was just for the amusement of a 'higher power.' Then became totally confused. Day of food poisoning and an unknown midterm. Narcissist with no confidence, and a pessimistic potentialist. I changed.
November
Wrote stuff for a friend. Felt the first cold wind. Went to a performance. Played some good ball. First felt ignored.
December
First seriously considered giving up. Wrote a poem for a friend. Haunting dream. Finally gave up. Took a four day vacation. Considered moving my spanish lab. Started the questions thing for the second time.
A decent year. Not what I was expecting. The first months were brought down by a stomach ulcer, the middle months brought me down because of the intense heat, and the last months brought me down because someone became buried in my mind. Of the 366 days, maybe 20 were good. Most were indifferent. Some just sucked ass. Want to know what I think?
Next year can only be better. And I'll see to it.
I might post again before everything says 2005, but I won't promise it. If I don't, Happy New Year to everyone.
Thursday, December 30
Two-Eight-Nine
12 hours until I start heading back to Austin. There's a small chance that I'll be back next week. It looks like my dad will be coming home on Monday. But I don't know how long he'll be home. It all depends...
"I don't care if it hurts"
I did get my hair cut. And I did get some nice red put in. It looks pretty good. I also watched King Arthur and Napoleon Dynamite. The first was alright, and the second was funny. Wasn't too bad. I've had a ton of sugar today too. I had some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, a Reese's Fastbreak, and a quarter of a lemon meringue pie. Bunch of calories. And I really want to stay up all night.
"I want to have control"
I'm sitting here right now listening to my 70 track CD. What sucks about it though is that I would put different songs on their now. I didn't have eMotive when I started the project. I didn't have aMotion either. So I'm thinking about doing it over again. I've also figured out what purpose it can serve. I'll lend it to whomever asks for it and tell them to pick out the 12 tracks they like the most. Then I can burn those 12 songs in full for them.
"I want a perfect body"
I think I know what I want now. I think I know what I'm looking for. So it's a start.
"I want a perfect soul"
I'm giving this last semester a B. Some new experiences, both good and bad. Some good enough that I can't give it a C, and some bad enough that I can't give it an A. I definitely feel more mature than I did in August, but as Brandon told me yesterday, I'm still too aggressive right now. He also told me what I need. And yea, I do. Everytime we mentioned someone I didn't like, I went off with a barrage of F-bombs and such. It is kind of bad.
Speaking of which, I'm really going to try to let go. All at once. No step-by-step process. And I'm capable of it. I've done it before.
"I don't care if it hurts"
I did get my hair cut. And I did get some nice red put in. It looks pretty good. I also watched King Arthur and Napoleon Dynamite. The first was alright, and the second was funny. Wasn't too bad. I've had a ton of sugar today too. I had some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, a Reese's Fastbreak, and a quarter of a lemon meringue pie. Bunch of calories. And I really want to stay up all night.
"I want to have control"
I'm sitting here right now listening to my 70 track CD. What sucks about it though is that I would put different songs on their now. I didn't have eMotive when I started the project. I didn't have aMotion either. So I'm thinking about doing it over again. I've also figured out what purpose it can serve. I'll lend it to whomever asks for it and tell them to pick out the 12 tracks they like the most. Then I can burn those 12 songs in full for them.
"I want a perfect body"
I think I know what I want now. I think I know what I'm looking for. So it's a start.
"I want a perfect soul"
I'm giving this last semester a B. Some new experiences, both good and bad. Some good enough that I can't give it a C, and some bad enough that I can't give it an A. I definitely feel more mature than I did in August, but as Brandon told me yesterday, I'm still too aggressive right now. He also told me what I need. And yea, I do. Everytime we mentioned someone I didn't like, I went off with a barrage of F-bombs and such. It is kind of bad.
Speaking of which, I'm really going to try to let go. All at once. No step-by-step process. And I'm capable of it. I've done it before.
Wednesday, December 29
Two-Eight-Eight
I was just looking through picture albums. So many events. So many changes.
I've never felt as though I were pressured to do better than my older siblings. Was always told that I had to do things on my own path. In my own way.
But right now, after reviewing, I feel nothing but pressure. What have I done that they haven't? Every single thing I know, they did before me. Classes, musical instruments, leadership roles, college...everything. My brother and sister have 8 and 9 years on me respectively. That's quite a head start.
But where will I be in 8 or 9 years? Will I even be at a comparable situation?
For the first time in a very long time, my mind is completely empty. I can't think of anything at all.
I've never felt as though I were pressured to do better than my older siblings. Was always told that I had to do things on my own path. In my own way.
But right now, after reviewing, I feel nothing but pressure. What have I done that they haven't? Every single thing I know, they did before me. Classes, musical instruments, leadership roles, college...everything. My brother and sister have 8 and 9 years on me respectively. That's quite a head start.
But where will I be in 8 or 9 years? Will I even be at a comparable situation?
For the first time in a very long time, my mind is completely empty. I can't think of anything at all.
Tuesday, December 28
Two-Eight-Seven
1. There are many reasons. Parking at UT sucks. Gas prices suck. But most of all, I'm scared to. While I do think I would be a good driver, I also think that it is possible I could be a bad driver. You know about the accident before our junior year. That also has something to do with it.
2. Can I? Yes. I don't know which day that will be though. Everytime I think it's out of my head, I hear a song, see a sign, or feel something that makes me remember. Unfortunately, my memory forgets things I don't want to forget and keeps things I do want to forget.
3. However much he desires. There's no limit to a woodchuck's potential.
4. My post names are their number. For example, this post right here is my 287th on this particular blog. I could be off by 2 in either direction, but it's fairly accurate.
2. Can I? Yes. I don't know which day that will be though. Everytime I think it's out of my head, I hear a song, see a sign, or feel something that makes me remember. Unfortunately, my memory forgets things I don't want to forget and keeps things I do want to forget.
3. However much he desires. There's no limit to a woodchuck's potential.
4. My post names are their number. For example, this post right here is my 287th on this particular blog. I could be off by 2 in either direction, but it's fairly accurate.
Two-Eight-Six
Four. I know. It's a bit much. It's 4:55 right now, my stomach hurts, and I can't sleep. My stomach is not the reason why I can't sleep, though. I've just spent the past 45 minutes thinking. Thinking hard. And I think I've figured it all out. Well, most of it.
I realize now that I've just been trying to get her attention. But I never picked up the phone and said "How are ya?"
If I'm right about this, I want to revise my three answers to the anonymous inquirer. I think I know who it is now.
1. I'm not fine. I fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I was perfect for you, even with the circumstances against me. I'm not. While I could put everything into it, it wouldn't be enough. I say that being friends is fine, but I would always wonder "what if...?" I don't know if I can live like that.
2. I say that I don't want attention, but deep down, I do. I don't want to be center stage, but I do want acknowledgement. What happened to me is that I felt ignored. I felt like all of my attempts to win you over were thrown aside. I've listened to you and I think I know you well. But I don't think you know me at all. I felt like I was used. Right now, I feel that way just a little bit. I might be wrong.
3. I know what to say. I don't know if I'll ever say it though. I don't know what you should, or could, say.
I'm hoping with all hope that I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this. I want this to be someone from thefacebook.com. I might be able to handle that. But I feel like I'm being torn at the seams. I want a conclusion. I can't be left guessing.
I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.
I realize now that I've just been trying to get her attention. But I never picked up the phone and said "How are ya?"
If I'm right about this, I want to revise my three answers to the anonymous inquirer. I think I know who it is now.
1. I'm not fine. I fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I was perfect for you, even with the circumstances against me. I'm not. While I could put everything into it, it wouldn't be enough. I say that being friends is fine, but I would always wonder "what if...?" I don't know if I can live like that.
2. I say that I don't want attention, but deep down, I do. I don't want to be center stage, but I do want acknowledgement. What happened to me is that I felt ignored. I felt like all of my attempts to win you over were thrown aside. I've listened to you and I think I know you well. But I don't think you know me at all. I felt like I was used. Right now, I feel that way just a little bit. I might be wrong.
3. I know what to say. I don't know if I'll ever say it though. I don't know what you should, or could, say.
I'm hoping with all hope that I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this. I want this to be someone from thefacebook.com. I might be able to handle that. But I feel like I'm being torn at the seams. I want a conclusion. I can't be left guessing.
I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.
Two-Eight-Five
Sorry. Three posts is insane. But something I read made me realize that some people can only say what they feel through forwards. Those emails where it has a quote about how great friends are, or about how love should be publicly announced. And I just delete those without looking.
Someone I know could have been reaching out to me through forwards. And I deleted them.
Maybe they wanted to see if I sent it back to them. Maybe they needed to see it sent back. Most people don't take forwards seriously. But I guess a small group of people do.
In a way, I am very direct with how I feel. When I want to tell someone I'll be there for them, I write that statement word for word, or I say it. Every email I send out is written for one person at a time. Just because that's how I communicate, it doesn't mean I should limit others to it.
I need specific details. If you say you like me, I need to know in what way, how much, and why. If I don't get those answers, I sit for hours trying to interpret the message even if there is no hidden meaning. I overanalyze too much. It's just another flaw of mine. I want to fix it.
Maybe they don't take forwards seriously.
But now I'll never know.
{Editor's Note: The inspiration for this post came from here.}
Someone I know could have been reaching out to me through forwards. And I deleted them.
Maybe they wanted to see if I sent it back to them. Maybe they needed to see it sent back. Most people don't take forwards seriously. But I guess a small group of people do.
In a way, I am very direct with how I feel. When I want to tell someone I'll be there for them, I write that statement word for word, or I say it. Every email I send out is written for one person at a time. Just because that's how I communicate, it doesn't mean I should limit others to it.
I need specific details. If you say you like me, I need to know in what way, how much, and why. If I don't get those answers, I sit for hours trying to interpret the message even if there is no hidden meaning. I overanalyze too much. It's just another flaw of mine. I want to fix it.
Maybe they don't take forwards seriously.
But now I'll never know.
{Editor's Note: The inspiration for this post came from here.}
Two-Eight-Four
I know. Two very quick posts. Sorry. The number thing was surprisingly accurate.
The day went well. I feel asleep at 4:15 last night and woke up at 9:15 this morning. And, as you may guess, I took a three-hour nap at 2. But still, it was a good day.
I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday. I'm going to get blood red streaks put in. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Depends.
I just realized that it's almost New Year's Eve. That means it's time for people to make their resolutions. Speaking of which, I want to laugh at things I wrote last year in my old blog.
Man, January 2004 was quite a month. I said some funny things. Now everyone, please remember that it was almost a year ago. Things change. For instance...
...while I called myself perfect then, I would not call myself perfect now.
...I am not full of hate.
...my idea of a perfect woman is a little different now.
Some things don't change. I'll let you figure out which those are. Either way, I don't have much more that I want to say publicly. I feel like laying down and reading one of my books.
The day went well. I feel asleep at 4:15 last night and woke up at 9:15 this morning. And, as you may guess, I took a three-hour nap at 2. But still, it was a good day.
I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday. I'm going to get blood red streaks put in. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Depends.
I just realized that it's almost New Year's Eve. That means it's time for people to make their resolutions. Speaking of which, I want to laugh at things I wrote last year in my old blog.
Man, January 2004 was quite a month. I said some funny things. Now everyone, please remember that it was almost a year ago. Things change. For instance...
...while I called myself perfect then, I would not call myself perfect now.
...I am not full of hate.
...my idea of a perfect woman is a little different now.
Some things don't change. I'll let you figure out which those are. Either way, I don't have much more that I want to say publicly. I feel like laying down and reading one of my books.
Monday, December 27
Two-Eight-Three
Briefly, my number...
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You Are the Reformer |
|
1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair. |
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