Two-Nine-Zero

How about a review of the past year? Will that satiate your hunger?

January

I liked brunettes. Great post. First found out about a blood problem. Another great post.

February

Apparently, I'm desensitized. Tried the questions thing for the first time back then. First looked 'tired.' Developed my first ulcer, requiring an ER visit.

March

First feeling of total defeat and helplessness. Doctors and appointments. What I miss. Hung some chic's panties on the door of my dorm. Funny. Started this blog.

April

Boring. More medical tests. Still don't like places with books. Bruises. More dreaming. Pissed by the end.

May

Quit my old blog. Weird dreams. First wanted to 'break up' with friends. Finals, and then my nephew was born. First long vacation from blogging starts.

June

Back from vacation. Summer school. 9 posts for the month. Unbelievable.

July

First mention of a bone marrow aspiration. Got my cable internet.

August

First saw my own bitterness. First stated my search for perfection. Had the bone marrow aspiration procedure. Fun sedatives. Turned 20 the next day. Played basketball with a bruised hip two days later. Fun. Spanish group signup.

September

Got the results of the bone marrow aspiration. Started the quizzes. Met the person I called my 'partner in crime.' Upgraded my phone. Almost hit by a truck. One word brought me down.

October

Found my inspiration. Began to think my existence was just for the amusement of a 'higher power.' Then became totally confused. Day of food poisoning and an unknown midterm. Narcissist with no confidence, and a pessimistic potentialist. I changed.

November

Wrote stuff for a friend. Felt the first cold wind. Went to a performance. Played some good ball. First felt ignored.

December

First seriously considered giving up. Wrote a poem for a friend. Haunting dream. Finally gave up. Took a four day vacation. Considered moving my spanish lab. Started the questions thing for the second time.


A decent year. Not what I was expecting. The first months were brought down by a stomach ulcer, the middle months brought me down because of the intense heat, and the last months brought me down because someone became buried in my mind. Of the 366 days, maybe 20 were good. Most were indifferent. Some just sucked ass. Want to know what I think?

Next year can only be better. And I'll see to it.

I might post again before everything says 2005, but I won't promise it. If I don't, Happy New Year to everyone.

Two-Eight-Nine

12 hours until I start heading back to Austin. There's a small chance that I'll be back next week. It looks like my dad will be coming home on Monday. But I don't know how long he'll be home. It all depends...

"I don't care if it hurts"

I did get my hair cut. And I did get some nice red put in. It looks pretty good. I also watched King Arthur and Napoleon Dynamite. The first was alright, and the second was funny. Wasn't too bad. I've had a ton of sugar today too. I had some Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, a Reese's Fastbreak, and a quarter of a lemon meringue pie. Bunch of calories. And I really want to stay up all night.

"I want to have control"

I'm sitting here right now listening to my 70 track CD. What sucks about it though is that I would put different songs on their now. I didn't have eMotive when I started the project. I didn't have aMotion either. So I'm thinking about doing it over again. I've also figured out what purpose it can serve. I'll lend it to whomever asks for it and tell them to pick out the 12 tracks they like the most. Then I can burn those 12 songs in full for them.

"I want a perfect body"

I think I know what I want now. I think I know what I'm looking for. So it's a start.

"I want a perfect soul"

I'm giving this last semester a B. Some new experiences, both good and bad. Some good enough that I can't give it a C, and some bad enough that I can't give it an A. I definitely feel more mature than I did in August, but as Brandon told me yesterday, I'm still too aggressive right now. He also told me what I need. And yea, I do. Everytime we mentioned someone I didn't like, I went off with a barrage of F-bombs and such. It is kind of bad.

Speaking of which, I'm really going to try to let go. All at once. No step-by-step process. And I'm capable of it. I've done it before.

Two-Eight-Eight

I was just looking through picture albums. So many events. So many changes.

I've never felt as though I were pressured to do better than my older siblings. Was always told that I had to do things on my own path. In my own way.

But right now, after reviewing, I feel nothing but pressure. What have I done that they haven't? Every single thing I know, they did before me. Classes, musical instruments, leadership roles, college...everything. My brother and sister have 8 and 9 years on me respectively. That's quite a head start.

But where will I be in 8 or 9 years? Will I even be at a comparable situation?

For the first time in a very long time, my mind is completely empty. I can't think of anything at all.

Two-Eight-Seven

1. There are many reasons. Parking at UT sucks. Gas prices suck. But most of all, I'm scared to. While I do think I would be a good driver, I also think that it is possible I could be a bad driver. You know about the accident before our junior year. That also has something to do with it.

2. Can I? Yes. I don't know which day that will be though. Everytime I think it's out of my head, I hear a song, see a sign, or feel something that makes me remember. Unfortunately, my memory forgets things I don't want to forget and keeps things I do want to forget.

3. However much he desires. There's no limit to a woodchuck's potential.

4. My post names are their number. For example, this post right here is my 287th on this particular blog. I could be off by 2 in either direction, but it's fairly accurate.

Two-Eight-Six

Four. I know. It's a bit much. It's 4:55 right now, my stomach hurts, and I can't sleep. My stomach is not the reason why I can't sleep, though. I've just spent the past 45 minutes thinking. Thinking hard. And I think I've figured it all out. Well, most of it.

I realize now that I've just been trying to get her attention. But I never picked up the phone and said "How are ya?"

If I'm right about this, I want to revise my three answers to the anonymous inquirer. I think I know who it is now.

1. I'm not fine. I fooled myself. I fooled myself into thinking I was perfect for you, even with the circumstances against me. I'm not. While I could put everything into it, it wouldn't be enough. I say that being friends is fine, but I would always wonder "what if...?" I don't know if I can live like that.

2. I say that I don't want attention, but deep down, I do. I don't want to be center stage, but I do want acknowledgement. What happened to me is that I felt ignored. I felt like all of my attempts to win you over were thrown aside. I've listened to you and I think I know you well. But I don't think you know me at all. I felt like I was used. Right now, I feel that way just a little bit. I might be wrong.

3. I know what to say. I don't know if I'll ever say it though. I don't know what you should, or could, say.


I'm hoping with all hope that I'm wrong. I really want to be wrong about this. I want this to be someone from thefacebook.com. I might be able to handle that. But I feel like I'm being torn at the seams. I want a conclusion. I can't be left guessing.


I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

Two-Eight-Five

Sorry. Three posts is insane. But something I read made me realize that some people can only say what they feel through forwards. Those emails where it has a quote about how great friends are, or about how love should be publicly announced. And I just delete those without looking.

Someone I know could have been reaching out to me through forwards. And I deleted them.

Maybe they wanted to see if I sent it back to them. Maybe they needed to see it sent back. Most people don't take forwards seriously. But I guess a small group of people do.

In a way, I am very direct with how I feel. When I want to tell someone I'll be there for them, I write that statement word for word, or I say it. Every email I send out is written for one person at a time. Just because that's how I communicate, it doesn't mean I should limit others to it.

I need specific details. If you say you like me, I need to know in what way, how much, and why. If I don't get those answers, I sit for hours trying to interpret the message even if there is no hidden meaning. I overanalyze too much. It's just another flaw of mine. I want to fix it.

Maybe they don't take forwards seriously.

But now I'll never know.

{Editor's Note: The inspiration for this post came from here.}

Two-Eight-Four

I know. Two very quick posts. Sorry. The number thing was surprisingly accurate.

The day went well. I feel asleep at 4:15 last night and woke up at 9:15 this morning. And, as you may guess, I took a three-hour nap at 2. But still, it was a good day.

I'm getting my hair cut on Wednesday. I'm going to get blood red streaks put in. Maybe I'll take a picture and post it. Depends.

I just realized that it's almost New Year's Eve. That means it's time for people to make their resolutions. Speaking of which, I want to laugh at things I wrote last year in my old blog.

Man, January 2004 was quite a month. I said some funny things. Now everyone, please remember that it was almost a year ago. Things change. For instance...

...while I called myself perfect then, I would not call myself perfect now.
...I am not full of hate.
...my idea of a perfect woman is a little different now.

Some things don't change. I'll let you figure out which those are. Either way, I don't have much more that I want to say publicly. I feel like laying down and reading one of my books.

Two-Eight-Three

Briefly, my number...

You Are the Reformer

1 You're a responsible person - with a clear sense of right and wrong. High standards are important to you, and you do everything to meet them. You are your own worst critic, feeling ashamed if you're not perfect. You have the highest integrity, and people expect you to be fair.

What number are you?

Two-Eight-Two

So...I'm back home. At least until Thursday afternoon. At that point, I'm going back to Austin with my Mom. She wants to spend New Year's Eve with my bro and the Kid. I might come back home for another week after that, but it all depends. Honestly, I hated leaving Austin, but I know I have to. Things have been harsh back home. Easily annoyed. So this break should be good. On the other hand, I don't know how well my bro will hold up while I'm gone. It's easier to raise a 7-month old with an extra set of hands when the wife is away. I'm sure he'll manage. Also, my dad got a new scanner/printer/copier and I want to mess around with that. Since my parents are still on dial-up, I'll have to wait until I get back to Austin before I start uploading.

The trip was fine. I forced my mom to listen to A Perfect Circle, Radiohead, and some Audioslave. She likes some of it. She doesn't put up a fight or anything when I take over the CD player in the car because she understands how music keeps me sane. I can handle silence, but only if I must. We talked about some of the things going on in the family. It was good to get my opinion out there.

I went to bed at 4:15 last night and woke up at 10:30 this morning. Consequently, I took a 2 hour nap at 2 in the afternoon. So right now, I feel awake, but I want to sleep. Yea, it's only 1 or so. But I've got nothing else. I might read some books or something, but then what? So, my dreams will be my entertainment.

On that note, I am out.
(Still accepting questions.)

Two-Eight-One

I do appreciate your effort. These questions really made me think. Getting to know someone is easier with questions. And answers.

1. Well, I could be very unoriginal and say Hugh Hefner, but that's not my style. So, if I could be one person for one week...I would have to say Tracy McGrady. I dream of having nothing to do but practice my shooting. Yea, I get frustrated when my shot is off, but at the end of the day, I'd feel great. If I had no obligations, nothing to worry about, I would spend 12 hours a day on a basketball court. If Mark Cuban told me that he would provide free room and board to me as long as I spend all of my time on perfecting my game, you bet I would drop everything right now. Especially if I was guaranteed to play against real point guards. (I'd have to be a point guard because of my size.)

2. The first thing I want to do/see/achieve before I die is to see the streets of Moscow covered in snow at night. Second, I want a female celebrity to dump her celebrity boyfriend and publicly announce her love for me (ha). Third, I want to write my own biography and get it published. I'm not famous or anything, so I'm curious to see who buys it and what ratings it gets. 3 years ago, I started writing my thoughts for each day. Throw in my two blogs, and there's a ton of material.

3. By far, my biggest flaw is that I deny myself too many good things. I get invited to parties, football games, basketball games, movies, dinners, and I turn down 99% of them. I want to go out and have fun, but I always feel like I haven't earned it. Or that I just don't deserve it. My biggest attribute is that I keep every promise I make. Including those 'promise not to tells.' Since middle school, I have never told anyone another's secrets. Never. And if you can convince me to promise something, then I'll come through no matter what.


I'll keep taking questions, even from those who have already asked some. I really enjoy it.

Two-Eight-Zero

So, I still can't figure out who the anonymous person is. I mean, just when I think I've figured it out, I second guess myself. I've eliminated some of the possibilities, but I can think of so many more people. Oh well. I should give up or something. There's no point in calling everyone I know and asking them if they are the guilty party.

And now, I'm going to start a new post specifically for Jamie's questions.

Two-Seven-Nine

I'm going to answer the next set of questions, even though the commenter did not leave their first name (as stated in post 277.) Doesn't matter. I can deduce it down to three people. And I'm really only looking at one possibility. But, I'll addres the answer of number three in three parts. (Also, I wasn't sure if the "Do you" part was asking "Do you know what I should say" or "Do you know what to say?" Meh...)

1. Physically, I'm as fit as I've ever been. I'm getting stronger each day. Emotionally, I have contrasting feelings every moment. Anger with love. Frustration with relief. It's quite confusing. Although, for the most part, I am content.

2. (Because I'm not sure what you're looking for in terms of a response, I'll just go with the obvious.) I've made the same mistake twice, and I can't let it go. I want to. I want to move on. I was fine before I repeated. Also, I tend to linger too long on one issue. So I think next year is going to suck too. If it took me two years or so to get over the mistake the first time, it will take longer this time.

3. Whomever did comment, your response is one of the following:

Person 1: When friendships are rekindled, I can be happy with that. It's a nice feeling to know someone wants to see what I've accomplished so far. But when things get too emotional, I tend to bail out. Having a nice conversation is good. Poems that unintentionally make me feel guilty...not so good. So, back to quiet mode I go.

Person 2: You don't have to say "I'm sorry" or anything like that. We've known each other for over 5 years. So we didn't talk for an entire semester. You're not the only one I haven't talked to all semester long. Hell, there's people I haven't talked to since graduation.

Person 3: If the chance existed (a good chance) then I would quit everything for you. But, I can't do that. As good as it would be (for both you and I), there are others who depend on me as well. So, assuming there is a good chance, it is best that I ignore it. And if there's no chance at all, all the more reason to keep to myself. Judging from what I heard the last time we were in the same place, there is absolutely no chance. And that's completely acceptable. If you depend on me, I'm shocked. You're a very independent person. Say "Stay" and I'll stay. Say "Go" and I'll go.


Now, because I do not want to drag anyone into this, I will not give any person's name, first or last, on this blog for the questions thing. If you need names, email me. Or call me. Or text me. Or IM me. There are many options.

Now, on to the next set of questions...whenever they arrive.

{Editor's Note: There is a very slim chance that the person who commented is not one of the three people FBombAndy thought of. They could be a reader of his old blog, or they could have come from thefacebook.com, or they could have come from another's xanga or livejournal. If that's the case, sorry I didn't answer your question.}

Two-Seven-Eight

1. The last time I had watermelon bubble yum, I was 6 or so. Candy tastes so much better when you're young. So, to keep that instance, I have not chewed any since. This way, it will always be the best flavor ever to me.

2. I'm not trying harder because a) I'm lazy, b) I'm just now finding my motivation to do well, and c) because up until now, I've been going through classes on intelligence alone. As everyone tells me, there's more to college than being smart. So, I figure if I combine this intelligence with effort, I can do great things. I want to be great.

3. My brother and sister both came to UT. I felt compelled to follow in their footsteps. As much as I wanted to go to the same college as most of my friends did, I knew I would be less distracted in a new environment.

4. I have a basket that I keep dirty clothes in. I found it underneath the basket. I didn't find out until after I had finished my laundry. An odd number of clean socks. That just sucks.

5. I think she is incredibly materialistic. It's not her fault though. She's had a string of very fortunate relationships. Not to say that if I were rich, I wouldn't provide her with whatever she desired. But the simple fact is, I'm not rich.


Good questions, rowdielou.
I like this. I need more. Gimme, gimme, gimme.

Two-Seven-Seven

I saw this on someone else's blog. I'm going to modify it just a bit.


Ask any three questions. Hell, five if you can think up that many. I'll answer them. Honestly, I don't think I have anything to hide, and if I do, then this will show me what. (Note: If you have to comment anonymously, that's fine. Just include your first name at the very least.)

Christmas Eve. For me, just another day. But, my mom is coming down here to Austin to visit for the weekend. Then I'll spend a week or two at home. Could be fun. I don't know yet.

There's no basketball games today. That really sucks. So I guess I'll have to just find something else to do.

Two-Seven-Six

Sometimes when I'm lost in my emotions, I forget that I understand people extremely well.

So, I'm looking at my schedule for next semester, and I think I'm going to change a class or two. I have this one-hour lab for Spanish that I can move around. I'm not feeling a 10 - 11 session right now. It really fits in with the rest of my schedule, but I've got a bad feeling about that time slot. I can move it an hour earlier or put it in the afternoon.

What I mean by "I understand people" is that I figure them out when they don't want me to. The subtle actions are plainly obvious because I overanalyze. I won't say I'm right all of the time, but I will say that I'm usually not wrong.

I'm too nice. I keep throwing myself to the ground like a door mat. That's gotta stop.

I knew it was a lie. I know the score. I know what's going to happen. It's better this way.

Does my search for perfection make me crazy? Does it make me sound like I'm crazy? I'll get my teeth straightened out, I might get lasik for my bad eyes, I might start working out tons more, and I might finally start putting 100% into my classes. That will put me as close to perfection as I'm going to get on my own. Or at least as perfect as I'm allowed. Then everyone who disappeared will look at me and ask, "Wow. What was I thinking when I chose to leave his side?" Or, for those that I left, I hope they say, "I wish he had never left me."

I'm going to walk right by them and not acknowledge their existence. And deep down, I hope they hurt. I want them to go home, bury their head into a pillow and just cry. (I used to be a nice guy. I don't know what's gotten into me.)


I've become a bit more motivated.

Two-Seven-Five

Not leaving yet. I've uploaded a bunch of pictures to a new blog. I have a link to the right under "My Links." All of the pictures were taken with my camera phone, so the quality isn't going to be great. Meh...

Almost 4. I'm the only one awake again. I love it...really.

I guess I can't really complain. It's natural to be asleep at this time. I should go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.

So, things aren't looking too bright. I'll have to console people. I don't mind. In my family, I am usually the person to provide compassion, sympathy, or whatever. I sort of have to be 'the man of the house.'

That's why my inner child is 16 years old. That's why my mid-life crisis is around the corner. But if it's my role, than I should accept it.

It's getting cold.

Two-Seven-Four

Yea, it was only 4 days. But 4 days is all I need for now. Maybe after this post, I'll have another 4.

I read over this entire blog and the one I wrote before I started this one (which I have conveniently made private...somewhat). There were some really good days. There were some days that frustrated me. But it all averages out to being decent year and a half.

This is what I've learned over my small getaway...

There's a reason why so few people actually listen today. It has to do with the 'surivival of the fittest' thing. People who do nothing but listen usually don't talk, which means they don't talk about their problems. Those who keep their problems to themselves are more likely to have heart attacks, illnesses, and such.

I am a true listener. I don't talk. And because of that, I sometimes collapse under the weight of my problems. Not to say that my problems are any more significant than your's. And I don't mean to imply that I have no one to talk to, because the truth is that I do have a few people I could discuss these things with. But because I hate depending on people, I try not to let myself become dependent on any one person. I can't assume that if I call my friend 'John Doe' that they will be free to listen to me.

Imagine that you're on the phone with some friend. They talk, talk, and talk. You sit there and listen. Then, when you want to do the talking, they have to go. Sometimes I feel that way. And I shouldn't. But that is the reason I have this blog. I can write everything I want to and just assume it's being read.

It's 4:43 AM. I want to call someone and just...I don't know. Deep down, I know I would love to talk. But the feeling I get from listening is great too. If someone called me, I would listen and love every moment of it. I wouldn't feel the need to say a word. And that means I wouldn't talk.

Everyone is asleep. Except for me. And really what I feel like doing is going for a walk. It's about 40-something degrees outside, but I'd manage. I'd walk along the streets and count the cars as they go by. I'd guess where they were headed. I'd wonder if they had a warm home to go to.


4 years ago, we talked on the phone. She noticed I was talking more than usual, and figured out that it was due to the drink in my hand. She made me promise I wouldn't drink again. That promise lasted a few months. So, if you want me to talk, get a drink in my hand.

I haven't had a drink in...16 months and about 8 days. I intend on seeing how long I can keep this up. So I guess I'm not talking anytime soon.

{Note: 4 seems to be the magic number...}

Two-Seven-Three

Ok. After doing a little reading and looking at some things...

...I'm going into hibernation for a long time. Maybe 4 or 5 days. Could be weeks. Some things have just come up, and I really need to get some work done.

A haiku?

"Trapped inside of me
Something is ready to burst
Red snow on the walls"

Two-Seven-Two

Sorry, but the posting may slow down and speed up without warning. This month and the next are harsh for me. No, nothing to do with Christmas...

Firstly, as some of you know, or don't know, I don't celebrate Christmas. For the next sentence, I will break my own rule regarding the use of the word 'religion.' Oh wait, I guess it's obvious now. So I don't have to break my rule.

Looking around and seeing everyone celebrate does not bother me one bit. Even though I don't participate, I do observe many good things about Christmas. People are truly different this time of year. Smiles are more frequently sighted. Hugs seem to be given everywhere. And for a few days, there are no selfish thoughts.

What brings me down is my memory. For some reason, I remember more events of my life during the Winter. I'm 100% certain it has to do with the cold. Or it could be when I go for walks at night. I usually walk alone, and I get plenty of thinking done. I guess that triggers it.

For instance, the other night I walked to a nearby gas station to pick up some soda and candy. I've really become addicted to those Reese's Fastbreak bars. Real good. As I walked along my street, the street lights and empty road reminded me of Mesquite. I also thought of those late night drives, the trips to Fort Worth, and the fun summer when my brother was taking pictures of businesses for some web company and I would go with him. We would get sent to Farmers Branch, and I remember this one time when we saw some chics in bikinis and playing in some sprinklers. Oh, how I love Farmers Branch.

Since these are good memories, how about some more?

4 years ago, I was at this chic's house. A chic that I liked. And she liked me. (Stupid high school. "Like" is used all the time...) I met her parents. They liked me too. I spent all afternoon there.

The same chic I wrestled with on the bus for an hour. (Not the hurting type. The fun type.) And then kept her warm as she took a nap. Woke her up when we got back to the school. All chics have that 'just woke up' voice, and it is just one of the hottest things.

The same chic I gave a second chance.

And the same chic who blew that second chance.

Ask me, "Would you do it all again?" I'd always answer, "Yes. Yes I would."

And there I go again. I went from good to bad.

Two-Seven-One

I truly believe that if you pass the final for the course, you should pass the course. Especially if the final is cumulative. So, after saying that, I think I passed my Logic final. I better damn well pass that class. I know I did better than a lot of people in there. Oh man, I'm just digging my hole for disappointment by saying all this.

Now that finals are over, I just want to sleep for a long time. I get to relax now. This is good.

I'm worried about something. I'm constantly going through scenarios in my head, you know, the whole 'what if' thing. An example from last week, 'what if I bomb my Spanish final like I bomb most finals?' Then I go through the motions in my head, figure out the consequences, and judge my reaction. (By the way, haven't I already mentioned what goes on in my head?) So, this can be very beneficial at times. It can really soften a blow like doing crappy on a final. It makes me feel prepared for failure. And if I don't fail, then I feel more relieved than if I had expected success. You see? Does this make sense?

But, there are negative side-effects. If I go through these motions concerning specific people's actions, I can end up alienating myself from them. I can ask 'what if they do this' and end up disliking the person, even though they didn't do a thing.

So, to get to the point, I think I've been going through scenarios too much lately. I find that my feelings for some people are reversing in a quick manner. Some from bad to worse, but others from good to better. I'm just afraid that someday, I'm going to flip off someone and they will have no idea why.

Maybe I do need those sedatives...

Two-Seven-Zero

For the benefit of all, if you want to see the uncut version of this post, please highlight the text.

Time Warner is grabbing all of their Mavs fans here in Austin, bending them over, and fucking them in the ass. This is total bullshit. I mean, if you put on your listings, "Mavericks @ Chicago" then you better damn well deliver. Fuck Time and Warner! Messing with my emotions, getting me all excited to finally see a Mavs game, and then pure fucking disappointment. Is this just another cruel joke on me? The past 19 or so days have been fucking hell. I want to take it out on someone.

If I wasn't pissed before, I'm sure as hell pissed now.

Two-Six-Nine

There's an FBomb.com. They sell shirts and stuff. I like it. I'm not exactly sure about how long they've been around, but I tip my hat to them. I might get me a shirt soon.

There is no FBombAndy.com. I might buy this domain and make it my own. Would be cool.

Going to study for my Logic final. This is going to be the hardest one, and I would really, really like it if I did well. Luckily, it's at 2PM, so I can stay up late studying and wake up refreshed at 11 or so. I think this could go well. But I really need to get the proofs down and memorized. A tall task for my memory.

Either way, I think that they are going to air the Mavs game here in Austin, so that is really going to interfere with my studying. Beh...

Two-Six-Eight

I have a final in 8 hours and 49 minutes. Considering that I am going to have to wake up at 6:30 to make it on campus with time to eat, I should really be sleeping right now.

So, how about that Lindsay Lohan? She was on SNL, and she's looking nice. Also saw that Avril Lavigne video. She looks more...mature. I'm really liking this. My options are wide open.

I'm really moving forward. I'm really making progress. Today felt normal. I felt normal. So, I think I can stop thinking about alcohol now. Yes, I miss it, but I'll be better off without something of that nature in my system. It does help me talk though...

So, I don't have much on my mind right now. This must be the perfect time for me to go to sleep.

Two-Six-Seven

You know what? Brandon is completely right. I think too much. That most definitely is the result of not having any alcohol in my system.

He also helped me realize something else. It makes perfect sense. Why not just be there, as a friend? And as a friend, I shouldn't think about becoming anything more. A ton of sites out there say that all guys want to screw their female friends. Well, there's always an exception.

You see, I might be quiet. I might not be the best at keeping a conversation going. I might not always say what's on my mind. But I know how to be a good friend. I know how to be a good person. I do not mean to 'toot my own horn' or anything. It's just that I know I can be this because I have before. I don't talk. I listen. That's all I can do. And isn't that what every female says they want from their man?

She's great, and she's awesome. As a friend, I can only wish her all the happiness in the world. There are three things I offer to my close friends. One, if you want to come over to my place at any hour just to hang out, that's fine with me. Really, any hour. Two, if you want me to be somewhere, I'll do my best to be there. Three, if you want me to do something, I'll try my best to get it done.

For example, take the Nov. 18th post. She casually dropped the information of when and where she was performing. Then, the topic shifted to something else I can't remember. Later that afternoon, I found a map and headed over there. I stood in the back of the crowd so I could really surprise her. Right after it was over, I slowly walked over to her group of friends that showed up as well. She saw me, her eyes lit up, and her jaw dropped. She was so happy. And if showing up makes her happy, I'll show up. If I have to walk through rain or snow to show up, then I'll start walking now.

So now I feel much better. I can focus more on looking around. And if that woman is perfect for me, by all means. Spring semesters are better for starting a relationship anyway. After a month, you have St. Valentine's Day. Then there's Spring Break. A straight shot to summer vacation, and if you've been a good couple, things are perfect for the summer. Considering that I turn 21 in August, the timeline is perfect.

If you start a thing during the Fall semester, you have to go through Thanksgiving and Christmas. She might not have to meet your parents, but you'll probably have to meet her's.

Two more finals. Then I start my vacation. And damnit, I'm going to make sure I have a good vacation. I'll spend a week at home, then I'll come back and just relax.

Two-Six-Six

Everytime I want to leave, they drag me back in.

So, I spent a whole 18 hours away from the blog, but in that time, I didn't really get anything out of my head. My dream sucked, and it felt like a 4 hour long movie. That's weird for dreams. In my dream, I did what I would have done 4 years ago. I picked up my stuff and walked away. Angrily.

I do feel a bit better since the last post though. Talking about it really helped. That's right, I actually talked about my emotions and stuff. A historical day for the world. But I'm still not picking up the phone to call people anytime soon.

So yea, I'm going to eat, study, maybe post again because I can't stop.

Two-Six-Five

I didn't go through with it. I wanted to. I was two words away. But I bailed out. The things she said...I just can't interfere. It's not my place. I don't want to ruin anything. Once again, I find something I enjoy, and I have to stop and quit. At least until next semester. More cruel jokes. But I'm not broken, yet.

On the bright side, it's not the end of the world.

I'm really tired. She even said so. I have two more finals. I have one on Monday and one on Tuesday. But for now, I'm going on vacation. I'm going to try to get away from posting for a while. If I keep writing, I'm going to keep digging my grave.

Almost back to drinking. Almost.

Two-Six-Four

I'm about to go to bed. But before I do, I want to give all of my readers a chance to be inside my head. Seriously, every thought floating around. Don't be surprised if it jumps around a lot.

What if I've waited too long? Should I make physical contact to show that I'm sincere? Will it be cold tomorrow? Does the longer I wait after the final affect my chances? Should I dress up a little more than usual? Jeans, perhaps? I don't wear jeans as much as I should. I think I look half-way decent in jeans. Khaki is my bread and butter though. I really want to play basketball tomorrow. But everyone will be busy studying and what-not. Hopefully Ryan and I can play Saturday. I need some way to release all of my stress. After watching T-Mac shoot the lights out in the last minute, I feel like I'll play twice as good as I did in the last game. It's been a while. I think I would like it more if I had an audience. A female audience. I really want to get footage of me playing. I want to fix my shooting form, but I need a different perspective. I wonder how I should fix my hair tomorrow. I like the smooth in the front, spiked in the back look. Maybe a long sleeve shirt would be nice. But it'll have to be moderately cool. I like this remix of Hollow. I'll listen to it on the bus. Am I really accurate on my instincts? I think I know what's going on, but I do feel a little confused. Where does being friendly end? I should really learn to pick up the phone more to call people. I have issues, but I've gotta deal with them sometime. I do want to go home, but I don't. I'll probably be bored at home. And here, well, I really call Austin home. What if I say things completely wrong tomorrow? What if I totally screw up? Well, if I were to screw up, I think she would understand. I told her at the beginning that I'm a very quiet person. I don't go around meeting new people. I don't like a lot of people. I'm too forgetful to remember anyone anyways. Even if everything goes my way, what will this vacation be like? And what the hell am I going to do about that? I think I'm totally fooling myself. When I say that I want to be there for everyone, all of the time, it does seem impossible. I can't go around pleasing everyone. I don't think I'm up to the task. I shouldn't get negative now. I have to go through with it. Oh man, I just know I'm going to be down for a while. Not matter how much I prepare for a letdown, it's still gonna suck. I want to sleep. I'll get to tomorrow faster and get the results faster. Besides, even if the aftermath sucks, at least I'll know I did well in Spanish.

And with that, I'm off to bed. I probably won't post again until tomorrow night (which will be the aftermath), so good luck to me.

Judgment

By this time tomorrow, we will all know where I stand. I will have taken my first final of the semester. I'll also have attempted to create something more out of something. Vague? You betcha.

This is my plan. I want to go to sleep sometime around 2, wake up at 10, take my daily morning shower, eat breakfast, and catch the bus at around 11. That means I should be on campus by 12. That will give me plenty of time to study just a little bit more before the test. It will also give my a chance to cool down and relax. I find that if I think too much before a test, I usually screw it up.

Those who have played basketball with me know that I have what they call, 'a lot of heart.' When I get hurt, or I just start tiring out, I keep on playing. I don't like to stop. When I'm playing basketball, 70% of the time my mind is completely empty and free. The other 30%, I force myself to think that I'm playing in front of someone or some people. When I feel under pressure, my heart rate shoots through the roof and I get a sudden second wind.

As I prepare for tomorrow, I'm slowly increasing my heart rate. I want to push through to the end. I don't want to walk off of this court without a smile. If I'm going to walk away with a loss, I'm at least going to know that I gave it everything I had. If my best isn't good enough, then so be it. (Leave it to me to use a basketball analogy for this situation.)

So, I just realized that this post has taken me 40 minutes. I found myself completely spaced out for about 20 mintes. By the which, T-Mac is insane. 13 points in the last 35 seconds to stun the Spurs. I've found more inspiration...

Still

After a good night's rest...

...I'm still haunted and dominated. I'm trying though. Pretty soon, I'll have to stop dreaming.

Maybe I'm just thinking about tomorrow too much. Maybe I'm a little tense about what may happen. Damn my need to overanalyze a situation!

Incredible

Now that I really think about it, the end of my dream, my classes...

...she is so dominating. She totally dominated me. And she still dominates me.

An Instance

That was totally weird.

At the end of my dream, right before I woke up, I was in my room and someone was at my door calling me. But they were calling me "Pablo Diablo." Only one person calls me that...

I just know that when I heard it, my instincts were to wake up. So I did. Too bad she wasn't at my door in real life. It was disappointing.

Thoughts

I have this idea. Fermin did this thing where people asked for a post about them and he wrote one. I don't want to blatantly steal this idea, but if you leave a comment, I'll post the song that I think represents you best.

To Tina

Cats singing songs of misery
Everyone's around to hear it,
To hear does not mean to listen,
This makes me want to shout, "I quit!"

Do you need someone to listen?
Do you want someone's open ear?
Validation? Affirmation?
To provide it, I'm standing here.


-by FBombAndy

Truthfully

I wonder if I come off as being judgmental. I notice that when certain people say things that might be offensive/controversial/unexpected, they look at me for a reaction. I try not to give one to them. I don't care what you've done in the past, and I don't care about your personal information, so long as you treat me right presently.

I don't think I'm difficult to get along with. Because I don't speak much, I don't really offend anyone. I don't start arguments, and I try to avoid confrontations if at all possible. I'll be the first to give in just to stop a debate.

I know what my flaws are though. I never call anyone. I never initiate any conversations.

Everytime I feel like calling someone, I get this thought in my head that they might be busy. They might not want to talk with me. If everyone in the world thought that way, there'd be no use for any communication device, I know. I'm just very shy. I'd rather miss out on a great conversation than call someone and hear, "Let me call you back later," or "I'm kind of busy." I know exactly why, but that's an issue I don't want to dive into.

And I think it's this mentality that's killing me right now. I can't break out of it. I'm sorry.

Flash

Sources tell me that Texas will be facing Michigan in the Rose Bowl. Yes!

Incomplete

If I were to say to her, "I want you all to myself," would that be selfish of me? Even if it's for her own benefit as well?

At least I know what I've been meaning to say. Speechlessness can really suck.

So do anxiety attacks. They suck bad.

As each day passes, I'm starting to sleep better at night. I know one night a couple of nights ago was practically worthless. I spent what felt like 5 hours just laying there and thinking. I thought about everything I felt and everything I needed to express. Then the next night, I spent only an hour doing so. And last night, I fell asleep rather quickly. Tonight, I hope to just pass out. This week is going to tear me apart, but I'll make it through.

And I hope I make it through with a deeper bond at the end of the week. It's not very often that I get attached to someone. I have my handful of friends from high school that I would sacrifice myself for. I have maybe 2 or 3 people here in Austin that I would do the same for. But this one...what a spell I've been placed under. Never have I grown attached to someone this fast.

And I don't mind being selfish.

Total Downer

You know the scene in Silence of the Lambs with the officer hanging in front of the cell totally eviscerated? I feel like that sometimes. Most of today in fact. I tried taking a nap, but that didn't bring much relief. No, it's nothing with being sick. Just being incredibly down. For a week. Down, not depressed. I don't feel like the world is going to end.

You can't lose something you never had. No matter if you truly believed you had it. Ignorance really is bliss.

So now I look forward to next semester. I haven't even finished the last week of class and I'm already giving up on feeling complete at the end of it all. Not like I know that feeling anyway.

"She kisses you with tongue and
Pulls you to the ground,
Don't go, you'll only want to come back again

So don't get any big ideas,
They're not gonna happen

You'll close it off for what you need,
She can't escape you

And now that you find it, it's gone
And now that you feel it, you don't
You've gone off the rail"

Radiohead - Big Ideas

And oh so true. Really, don't get ideas. They really don't happen. Best not to dream either. All that talk about dreams coming true or that every dog has his day...total bullshit. Hope really is an imaginary tool to help ease the pain of knowing that bad things happen to good people, and that there really is nothing to be optimistic about.

{Note: I apologize if this depresses anyone. That isn't my intention.}

Survey

Someone comfirm that there is a new Toyota Tacoma commercial that uses the name "Pablo Diablo." My bro told me there is, but I missed it. Is this legit?

Stop

I wanted to stop walking and sit down, right on the sidwalk. I'm not sure why. It was a weird feeling.

Was going to take the Forty Acres bus to the Music Building, but I just gave up and walked from Dobie to there. Not the longest walk, but few actually do it. It gave plenty of time to just think. I really like looking around on campus. There's bound to be one or two buildings I don't know of. But the walk was great. It was cold and wet today. The wind was refreshing. Others might disagree with that statement though. But just walking...it was all I needed.

Was going to do the Spanish Presentation today, but time ran out on us. So we have to do it tomorrow. Being the last group sucks because previous groups might have done spectacular. Then everyone sees yours and starts to yawn. So I'm going to touch things up today. My name is on this project after all.

If only they knew...

Beh

I'm back from my 32-hour vacation (actually, I got back Thursday night/Friday morning.) A shitty vacation if you ask me. But please, don't ask me.

I'm still tired. I'm still stressed. On the bright side, only one puzzle has been stuck in my head. Usually, I have to push through four or five problems at a time. But right now, there's only one thing I'm thinking about. And it's going to take me a couple more days.

Cowboys won. Longhorns won. Mavs lost to the Spurs, but they beat Portland. Not a bad three days in sports. (If you want an analysis on the Longhorn game, go here.)

So, Thanksgiving came and went. I have to admit, there's only a handful of things I'm really thankful for. There's only a handful of people I'm thankful for. I would put a list up here, but I'm afraid people would get offended if they were left off my 'thank you' list. I can honestly say that I think all of my readers are on the list though. I'll be totally honest if you ask me, "Am I on your 'thank you' list?"

I got new jeans too.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to put on some slow, smooth music and work on my puzzle.

So Close

Two more class days, then I get my much needed vacation. Tomorrow morning, my dad is in town for all of 2 hours, 1 hour of which I must be in class. Kind of sucks. But it's Spanish, so I'll live. Afterwards I have to do some talking with la profesora. Then I'll go home for a couple of hours, go back to campus before 8 to go to a vocal concert (I completely bailed out of today's.)

Going back home on Wednesday, coming back home on Friday. Yes, I call both places 'home.' I've been here so long, and this is where most of my life revolves. The way it looks, I'll be moving into a new place in February. Going to have an indoor basketball court if I get my way. But it will be in Northwest Austin. The nice area.

Hmm...what exactly do I offer? Something I'll need to think about.

Today's Work

Damn Cowboys. (By the way, I feel totally bad about Musa Smith. That break looked terrible.)

Stack is stinking it up right now. Doesn't help that Dirk went down. I hope it's not too serious. Down here in Austin, we don't get Mavs games unless it's national broadcast. I just know they lost to Denver in a bad way. On the subject of basketball, I completely disagree with the suspension handed to Artest. Too much. When Big Ben pushed him, he backed away. He tried. I don't mind the O'Neal and Jackson suspensions. Detroit gets a combined 9 games, which is far fewer than should be. All because they're the defending champs with the "TEAM" attitude. Stern can cram it up his ass.

Tomorrow I have to go to some vocal concert so I can do a concert report for my music class. I'm going to miss ATH and PTI most likely. I don't think I'll get to see I, Max.

I don't feel like going to Logic tomorrow. He's letting students do proofs on the board, and everyone in there seems to be a dumbass. Afterwards I'm off to Spanish which is always fun. Music, then a TA session for Logic. Hmm, I could go to Logic and skip the TA session, or I can skip Logic and go to the TA session. Hmm...

Back On The List

My text messages aren't being sent. I'm totally pissed. Cingular is now officially back on the list.

Where's my gasoline and lighter...

If Only I Knew

Unsuspecting. Totally oblivious. As am I.

Here's a situation.

I know what I want, but I'll never get it. I know what I need, but it's not what I want. I know what I'll get, and it's neither what I want nor what I need.

So, route A takes a person to a place where they'll be partially happy and partially upset for as far as the path goes. Route B takes a person to a place where they'll be totally upset but for a much shorter length of time than route A.

Anything is better than a zero, right?

So, what's up with the first line, right? This is what I can figure out right now. I'm oblivious to my own actions. I have no idea what I'm doing. And because I don't know what I'm doing, no one else does. Imagine this...

My eyes are closed and I'm about to cross a street at a place where there are no crosswalks. I'm just walking. Just assuming that I won't get hit. Pretty dumb.

I smell something really sweet. I can't get this scent out of my head. I wish there was a physical representation for it. I would drop everything and search the world over twice to find it.

Recap

Ron Artest with a hard foul. Ben Wallace throws open fists to Artest's chin and neck. Refs get in between. Artest lays down on the scorer's table. Ben Wallace throws a towel at Artest. Artest sits up, but promptly lays back down. Plastic cup of beer hits Artest, so he jumps into the stands to hit the guy who did it. Stephen Jackson comes over to help Artest. Jackson and Artest both land a punch on the fan. Another fan comes behind Artest and hits him twice in the head. Artest turns around and tries to hit him. Meanwhile another fan is attacking Fred Jones. Artest is lead off the court where he remains for a few minutes. A fan approaches Artest yelling something, so Artest hits his face cleanly. Artest is pulled back, but as the fan reclaims his balance, Jermaine O'Neal connects a running punch to the fan's chin, causing that fan to fall down.

That was the major physical conflict in the entire situation. It should be noted that Ben Wallace lingered on the court longer than he should have. Also, Rasheed Wallace did the right thing in trying to separate fans and players. Rip Hamilton was shown being held back, which is ridiculous considering he has 1% body muscle.

I really think that Artest should get 5 games (all 5 for hitting fans, mostly the last encounter), Big Ben should get at least 5 games (for the attack to the neck and towel throw), O'Neal will probably get at least 3 games (the punch to the fan), Jackson will get 3 games (punches to the fans), and multiple players will get monetary fines.

I would really look for upcoming Detroit games to be dropped from programming, maybe just for a week or month. I do hope this will motivate arena owners to eliminate the first row of seats. There will be multiple arrests and lawsuits.

Oh My

What a real fight between Detroit and Indiana! I'll post my comments on that in a little bit.

The Game

By the way, I forgot to mention that I played basketball today. Jumped straight into some 4 on 4, where it was my bro, this guy named Robert, this guy named Hill (who likes T-Mac also), and myself against Ryan, Marshall, Klemmer, and Jimmy.

They jumped out to an early lead, but I hit 2 college 3-pointers to get the lead back. Well, we we're going by 1's and 2's to 15 (win by 2) so really these college 3's were worth 2 points apiece. I also had about 4 assists, and 2 rebounds. Unforunately it wasn't enough. We lost 16 - 14. Total crap. I went about 2 - 7 overall, so those key shots were the only ones I made. I wanted more post-ups, but with 4 people on a team, you can't really be a ball hog. Honestly, I wanted the ball almost every play. I like creating. When it was tied 14 all, I wanted the last shot. I just wasn't vocal about it. That needs to change.

But I feel decent about how I played. Too bad I took a knee to my quad and now that feels far less than decent. Bruised. So I'm going to go lay down.

Fooding

They say that having dinner with someone can tell you plenty about their habits, manners, and overall attitude.

This might sound really weird, but I hate being around people who are eating. The eating where you hear the chewing, the deep breathing, the swallow, and then the noises of meat being pulled from the bone. The type of eating where people sound like they are starved and really exerting energy to satiate their hunger. Eating is not supposed to be a sport. Eating is not supposed to sound disgusting. If you are breathing harder and faster than normal when you are eating, you need to go see a doctor.

So, based on this revelation of mine, I've decided that I will never take a date out to a restaurant. At least not on the first (and probably second) date. This probably also means I shouldn't go out with friends to fancy places.

I think I'll eat by myself from now on. I'm just totally in awe about how people can really sound.

Splendid

My partner in crime had a performance this afternoon. Belly dancing. Total greatness. Although, I have to think that with all the guys around, and the fact that these chics are wearing outfits that leave little to the imagination, it has to be tense for them. Still, was a good experience.

Random stabbing stomach pain. Yet I'm having a good day.

Talked to Pat today. He's back in town (Dallas) and he seems to be doing well. I'm supposed to give him a call next week during Thanksgiving. Now I'm going back home for sure. I haven't seen the guy since April. Plus, I really need to get out of Austin for two days or so.

Either way, back to logic homework.

Muscle Relaxation

Brandon is right. I'm not superman.

Oh, how I would love to be sedated right now. I was thinking back to that wonderful procedure. I remember waking up. I remember walking out of the office and having little balance. I remember sitting down to discuss the payment options. But after that, I don't remember anything.

The bruise sucked, but it could have been much worse. I mean, we played basketball two days later. I hope Brandon remembers that first game as my best one in a long time. I came in without stretching or shooting around, and I just lit up the basket. Only one other time did I do that. That was at Pirrung. It was my dad, Brandon, Fermin, and me. I hit my first 8 shots or something like that. (Not knocking Brandon or anything. I know one-on-one I'd get my ass handed to me 95% of the time. [Come on, he has about 5 inches and 60 (?) pounds on me. {But wait 'til I get back in shape.}] And I haven't played against Fermin in quite sometime. He might be really good.)

I can only hope I can get back in that form sometime soon. Since it's getting colder and such, I will have to start playing inside the gym. I'll have to play tons more.

But for now, I'm going to imitate my position for that procedure, pretend like it's happening, and I'm going to sleep. Yea for me!

Today

My partner in crime wasn't in class today. One of her friends in that class filled in. Was nice. She's nice.

Tomorrow is all Spanish day. I need to do some logic homework and turn that in on Friday.

Cleaning my room and bathroom and such since I might have company over for a little bit. I don't want to appear as a pig or anything. Being clean is nice too.

Stan Van Gundy looks so much like Ron Jeremy. It's really weird.

Something else I was going to say, but now I don't remember. Great. But I'm still in a good mood. Even with ultra-super pain in my stomach. OK, it's not that bad, but it's bad enough. I might get that checked out. Maybe tomorrow. I like to fight through these things.

Meanwhile

Waiting for this classical station to play some French Horn Trio so I can record it. I can't find a recording anywhere. Spanish project is rolling along. I think it might come out nicely. Saw an example in class today, and I don't think it's hard at all. Even though the script is about a chic, guys still have to read the parts. Kind of gay. A Perfect Circle has a DVD + CD thing coming out today. I'm going to have to stop by Target or somewhere to pick it up. Should be good. I think the Trio is about to start. I hope so. Spanish tomorrow and lab for my music class. The TA that does the lab is really funny. She's more entertaining than any other TA I've ever had. Sharapova beat Serena, and man she has long legs. She's probably 5 inches taller than me. Maybe more. If only she were legal. Left shoulder just popped. I want to play basketball this Friday. Probably will.

In a good mood overall.

Go Here

Go give Tina some love.

Tina's Xanga

(And yes, I know. 5 posts in one day is unhealthy. But I'm about to eat, maybe play some games, and then go to bed.)

Groups

Think I might do the Spanish project. We're supposed to work on it as a group, but I'm not much of a group person. At least not for things like Spanish. But then the others might be mad at me. Well, more like the other. I just don't want to keep saying, "We should get together soon." It's being said every day. Besides, I don't have much else to do today. No Cowboy game. I sure as hell don't want to work on it tomorrow night. I can't believe I didn't know the Mavs game was early. At least they won. Those presentations are coming up soon. So is Thanksgiving. And finals. Oh man, I hope I don't have logic homework due tomorrow! That would bite ass.

By the which, my parents are celebrating their anniversary today. Way to go, Mom and Dad!

Second Ten

11. Plays the french horn
12. Plays the trumpet
13. Dallas Mavericks fan
14. Likes "Scrubs"
15. Prefers brunettes during the winter
16. Prefers blondes during the summer
17. Likes to read about sociology
18. Has nice handwriting
19. Extremely forgetful
20. Shares birthday with Robert Plant

Holier Than Thou

I sing along with my favorite songs.

I can sing the C major scale without a piano or instrument.

So when I hear people singing loudly and completely wrong, I get mad.

When I sing, it's quiet. And no one is ever around (I double check.) I'm a very modest person (if I say it, am I not contradicting myself?) I am a very shy person.

I think I hear dogs howling.

At least one of them has a basic concept of rhythm. The other half sings where there are no words. Almost like a deformed echo.

So all I can ask, is that if you are hanging out with me, and you want to sing along, please do so accurately.

Another Gone

If I had a 40, I'd pour some out for O.D.B.

Dirt McGirt, Big Baby Jesus, it doesn't matter what name he liked most. His creativity was amazing.

A Valid Point

Indeed.

Well, from what I can tell, I only have two readers, not including myself when I'm checking for errors. I doubt she reads this.

I like helping people. I like being there for people. I feel like I've actually accomplished something in my life when I give advice and people listen. As much as I like it, this situation is too difficult for me to handle. I know this to be a fact because I've been in this situation before, and I failed miserably then. I don't want to remember it. I don't want to live through it again. I just can't help people when I'm solving my own problems.

It's really something. My emotions never break the surface, but that doesn't mean they don't exist. Sometimes I feel overfilled with love and there's nothing for me to do with it. On the other hand, sometimes I am overfilled with frustration, and that has gotten to me lately. Brandon has reminded me before about the week of school I missed 'cause doctors were worried I was on my way to a heart attack. I hope I'm not going to repeat that anytime soon.

I'm just going to do what I always do. I'm going to keep pushing forward. Maybe the bond will be mended and things will be ok. It's a possibility.

First Ten

1. 20 years old
2. Graduated in 2002
3. Broken a bone only once
4. One poem published
5. Plays basketball on the weekends
6. Loves cold weather
7. Hates hot weather
8. Likes "Around The Horn"
9. Likes "Pardon the Interruption"
10. Likes "I, Max"

Wakko

Still my favorite. How's this for a profile picture?

Sadly

Today marks the beginning of the downfall. It really hit me today.

I'm a very quiet person. Conversations with me can last a while though depending on the other person. Eventually, topics run out. True friends decide to just hang out, no need for sounds. Others just make you feel awkward.

Today, I felt awkward. I felt upset. So I realized that it's temporary. She's nice, she's good people. But it just won't work for much longer. Listening to her was fine before. Now it's becoming hell. Which means this will rest on my shoulders. The choice to stop hanging out with her is mine, and I have to take responsibility.

Although, I think that if we had drinks together, things would be interesting. Too bad I'm still not there yet.

So, I need to get a picture of myself up on the profile. I think the basketball court has been there long enough. I'm thinking that I should just draw a picture of myself, take a picture of it or scan it and just use that. Classic pen on notebook paper. You can't go wrong with that.

I'm so happy that it's getting colder. When the highs are in the 40s, then everyday will be perfection. If only you all could experience the same feeling I get when the weather is ideal to me. Oh, and if there was storm, I mean, wow.

Oh Yeah

You know, I forgot I have a test tomorrow and Thursday. That totally sucks. Drinking is getting ever so closer.

Listening to the A Perfect Circle CD more and more. I'm liking every track now. The remake of Marvin Gaye's "What's Going On" is just great. Lyrically awesome.

I have also rekindled my love of corn dogs. Easy to cook, easy to eat. Great afternoon snack.

Almost time for I, Max. I wonder if Scrubs is on today...That show is great.

Uninformed

Is there something about October and November that I don't know about?

There's a word that I despise. I'm hearing it 2 times a day on average. I don't get it. It wasn't like this two weeks ago.

In other news, I'm officially stressed out. I don't have much to be stressed out about though. Usually, I can figure out what's bothering me, but there is no explanation for this. I might try to drink again pretty soon if it doesn't go away.

Oh, how I miss drinking! Paulaner, Midori Sours, Boccie Balls, most anything with vodka. So so soothing.

French Horn performance on Thursday. Thinking about finding me a chic to take. I think I know who to ask. Will probably ask tomorrow during class.

And once again, I feel like destroying things. Beh.

Worse

Let's not go killing ourselves now. That's how the terrorists win.

Man I hate protesters. I know I shouldn't criticize the dead, but wow, this is the bottom of the barrel.

So is this the lesson to be spread? If you don't get what you want, why not kill yourself? Seems childish.

Beneath Me

This heart of mine keeps on beating,
This brain of mine won't stop thinking,
My lungs are filling up with air,
But still I feel like I'm sinking.

Dig it out with a spoon and knife,
Maybe a piece of frontal lobe,
Pierce it with a sword or bullet,
And still I'm further down below.


Original work from yours truly in 10 minutes. I know what I'm capable of. I just don't have motivation. Inspiration without motivation. What a combination...

{Added on}
It's getting cold. It's the best. I don't love Winter, I'm in love with Winter. The opportunities are greater when the temperature is low. But it's still officially Fall. I can wait. It'll be like waiting for your woman outside her classroom door. The clock says one thing, but it feels like another. Then the bell rings, and everything else takes a backseat.

The cold air does wondrous things for me. I think clearer, feel more intensely, and judge with greater insight. To match, I slowly start spiking my hair up with each day. I'll be more of an introvert than before, but I'm at least going to look good.

{Added on again}
Winter Breaks. They bring up bad memories. I'm not really looking forward to this one.

I wish I could go to New Jersey like I had planned. Clothes, glasses, haircuts, and such add up. I miss it too. Surrounded by tall buildings, an icy wind hitting the front of your face, and everyone is wearing a jacket. I love it.

Nice

The confusion I have now is caused by totally different problems involving the same people as always.

So, this cute chic lends me a pencil because, like a dumbass, I forget all of my writing utensils at home. She totally put the smile on and what-not. Very cheery. I waited for her after the test to give her pencil back. Total cute. Now, I'm thinking "If I really want to see if there's potential, I must really have a good conversation with her. How to start this conversation..." And it hits me. I think I'll buy a big bag of mechanical pencils, wrap it (or something) and give it to her Tuesday. Good idea? Maybe? Probably not...

I realized on Wednesday that I limit my options because I find myself committed to a friend. Yes, committed in that way. I don't get it. When I fall for a chic-friend, I refuse every piece of tail available. I must learn to fix this. But I get the feeling that if I told her "I gots me a woman" (as in, I'm now spoken for) she would be very down and jealous. My insight could be off, but I doubt it.

There are a ton of things I need to fix.

Sigh

"Wake up and face me
Don't play dead, 'cause maybe
Someday I'll walk away and say,
'You disappoint me. Maybe you're better off this way.'"

A Perfect Circle - Passive

This CD is awesome. It might not be appealing to the standard A Perfect Circle fan, but if you've followed Maynard from Tool (and you like Aenima more than Lateralus) then you'll like it all. I admit, I've restricted my sampling to 6 or 7 songs. I do this with every CD. I find the immediately attractive songs, play them too much, then listen to the rest. I even did this with Amnesiac.

It's so much better with Max back.

Test tomorrow.

Yes

Max is back on I, Max.

T.O. is my favorite receiver of all time. I'm going to learn that Ray Lewis dance because of him.

Today is just smooth. There was one minor bump, but I handled up on that.

Election Day

A Perfect Circle has a brand new CD coming out tomorrow. It's anti-war and such. Now, I love music. I hate politics. But, my love for music overpowers my hate for politics. And they are covering some very good songs. People, check this CD out.

They also have a DVD coming out November 16th. I can't wait.

The blow to the back of my head is what's messing up my vision and such. Turns out the back of your brain controls your vision and balance. Thus, my need to be in dark rooms and to be laying down. I hope I'm much better tomorrow.

Ode

She can spark a good mood with just a sentence.

She is...

Tantalizing
Ingenious
Notable
Amiable

Why am I always away? I understand why others do it, but I do not understand why I do it.

Sucks

Texas is 6th in the BCS. Good.

Cowboys finally won a game. Good.

I felt like total shit this weekend. Took an elbow to the back of my head on Friday, and I spent most of the time Saturday and Sunday laying in bed. Going to try to go to class now.

NBA starts up tomorrow. I can't wait. I don't care about some election.

Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Best Onscreen Duo. What I would give to see them just make out for a couple of minutes...

Boston Legal is hilarious.

Drawing A Blank

In case you can't figure out what gift is best for me, I'm going to announce it one time.

The new T-Mac 4. This shoe...perfection. At least until T-Mac 5 comes out. Then that will be perfection.

The Colors

You know, if you describe yourself as 'mysterious' then you're really dumb. And an ass. A dumbass. I just don't think it works. In fact, if you absolutely must fill out a description of yourself, then have someone else do it. That makes sense.

I really like Starbursts. And Skittles.

I'm really pleased with registration. I got the classes I most definitely need for next semester. I even got into a CS upper-division class that's extremely difficult to get. They can all eat it.

And Another

I have 7 minutes left before I register for next semester. So far, none of my classes have filled up or closed. This is good. Also, the main computer lab is rather empty. It's nice to be a junior.

Haven't posted much lately. I just don't know what to say. It's not that I don't have thoughts to write down, I just don't know which ones to choose.

No more disturbing dreams. Rather happy ones. I wake up in the morning, reset my alarm clock, and try to go back to it. Not those types of dreams you giant group of pervs out there. Just the dreams where I don't feel empty or alone.

Everytime I think that I'm not really a good person, my dreams force me to realize that I do the right thing a majority of the time. Really.

Silence

Favre's Wife Diagnosed With Breast Cancer

A day full of bad news. Favre has had a terrible year, and I can only hope things turn around for him.

People...

I'm usually on top of sports news, celebrity news, and such. But this didn't reach me until 20 minutes ago.

I watch I, Max religiously. Of the three sports shows I watch every weekday, I, Max is my favorite. For the past week, a guest host has been doing the show. I didn't give it that much attention. Well, I found the reason.

According to the New York Post, Sam Kellerman, Max's brother, was murdered October 17th.

Considering that my brother and I have a very special bond, I can't imagine what Max is going through. I'm not a very religious man, but my prayers are with him.

I Don't Want It

I don't ask for a ton. I never ask people for help. I never ask people to do something for me. I try to be as independent as possible. I know I can rely on myself.

I often talk about how I like to be alone. The way my room is when it's dark and cold. My desire to walk outside for a couple of miles to clear my head.

This attention thing sucks though. I don't want to be in the spotlight. I don't want to be the life of the party. I'd much rather be a wallflower. I don't like being pointed out. Yet, I do.

I do like it when people are at least interested and attempt to listen to my story. I do so much listening that when I want someone to listen to me, it doesn't happen. Because I am so naturally quiet about my opinions and feelings, I don't draw that interest. Well, I don't feel like I do. I'm just so introverted.

Everytime I see something I want, I always change my mind about getting it. When I have a chance at experiencing something great, I always refuse. I can't reward myself with anything. It's becoming an issue.

In other news, I'm sick again. This is against the laws of nature because I never get sick more than twice a year. This is number three or four. From what I can tell, it's just a sinus infection. I'm hoping to be 100% by tomorrow.

I want to destroy things again.

Blows

You know what sucks?

When you're feeling like you want to destroy everything in your path, and something nice happens.

That totally sucks. I was going to walk around and punch things, but now I can't. I want to feel angry. But I can't.


My glasses came in.

Das Wasser is Blut

Sometimes, I see red when I hear about other people's fortunes. Some of the time, I am jealous. Other times, I'm just not in the mood to smile or such. But it's OK. This weekend should be very entertaining, seeing as how there will be no sister-in-law or baby to make noise.

The poor kid. I can't believe that much milk can come out of something so small. He's sick, or so they think. He'll be fine though. He's a tough one. He probably just ate too much. Pig.

So, if the advisor wants to book everything this week so I can't make an appointment, by all means. As long as they don't get pissed when I register for Intro to Algebra or something. That would be sweet if I could. Easy A.

Lab sucked. Spanish kind of sucked. I did realize today that I now have a new interest. She's got something goin' for her. The voice works too. It's not annoying at all.

Some party on Halloween or something. I don't think I'm going to go. It was a kind invitation, but I think I would be miserable there. You see, for there to be no awkwardness (and even then, there still might be some) I would have to find a moderately attractive date. Very possible. But I need to be around people I've known for a year or so. Especially if there's going to be alcohol around. If I'm going to drink, I'm going to have just one, and it's going to be by myself. But, I haven't touched the stuff in over a year now. Isn't that something?

Bastard.

Lost

The Yanks lost. Totally amazed by this. I mean, come on. The Evil Empire broke down.

This disgusts me. If I can't believe in a proven winning machine, what can I believe in? If the Red Sox win the World Series, I'll lose faith in everything.

Two hours of Spanish and I'm done. So easy. But I still have to wake up tomorrow. Why can't it be Saturday instead?

Going to put on my sleeping playlist for WinAmp and I'm gonna sleep. No happy, cheery, smile-til-it-hurts pop music there.

Registration

Looking at the damn course schedule for Spring 2005. So far, I'm up to 10 hours, so I need to find two more courses. I like having 15+ so I can drop a class if necessary. Classes are set to where I don't have to be on campus until 10 and I'm done at noon on Fridays. I hope it stays that way, but probably not.

I'm about 90% sure I'll take more lessons next semester. I'm really enjoying it, and it's a good way to relax.

Those damn Yankees better pull their asses off their shoulders and win tonight.

Tomorrow is Spanish lab and Spanish. Usually fun. I need to go talk to an advisor because they like to watch every single move you make. Totally unnecessary. Just let me register.

So, now is the time when I take a nap and such. Maybe I'll do homework instead.

Yeah, right.

Categories...

I organized my AIM BuddyList. I have the following groups: Friends, Other Friends, Forgotten.

Those in the "Friends" group are people I will go out of my way to listen to. Those in the "Other Friends" group are people that if they want to talk to me, maybe I'll make time (probably not). The "Forgotten" group is self-explanatory. These are the people I have decided are not worthy of my time. When it comes to people and their problems, my listening skills are unsurpassed. But you can't go around saving everyone from their tragedies.

A New Approach...

Pretty much, being nice gets you nowhere. I think I've said this already. Well, toss in some very hellish days, and this is what you get. I've been a nice guy for quite some time, so I think I'll go back to my devil-may-care ways.

Because 'frankly my dear, I don't give a damn.'

Countdown...

Almost...

"I need everything, all the time, right now."
- Fake Greggo.

It's time...

Once every two years...if I remember correctly.

Those I talk to will get to witness it. And it'll be something...

Picture 1

What I see after Logic...

Right here...

Interestingly enough, today started out rather well. I woke up without my stomach feeling like it was on fire. I ate breakfast. The bus ride went by really fast. And then the second bus I take, the bus driver was talking about his 'wild days' when he would get high in the morning and the sunrise would be spectacular and what-not. It made me smile, because come on, there's nothing better to listen to. He's a cool guy, always says hi, flirts with the ladies even though they're probably 15 years younger than him.

Oh man, there was this chic on the bus. I mean wow. She was good. And then when I was walking to my Logic class, I spotted this chic from my Spanish class. She's a generic blonde, but she does look good. She was jogging so I did the head nod. She smiled. Very nice.

I skipped my Logic class, which I'm not supposed to be skipping. Went back to Jester and had some more breakfast. Nothing like French Toast Pop-tarts and ESPN. Went upstairs to my Spanish class.

Unfortunately, the seat next to mine was taken by someone other than my partner in crime. Although, there is another seat to my left where another chic I talk to sat. She's cool, and she leans in when she speaks. She has nice eyes. But otherwise, it was basically boring. Some quiz, I aced it, because I know my Spanish.

Went to Music class where some snobby prof was filling in. He sucked, so I left 10 minutes early.

Went to my discussion section for Logic. Turns out the average grade was a 48. I think I made at least a 50. Maybe a 60. So I'm in good shape. Sort of. I missed a homework assignment, and there's only 5 or 6 for the semester. I'm really hoping he drops the lowest one. If he does, I know for sure I'll have at least a B for that class. Respectable.

Haircut, which came out nicely, and then home. Had a nice ham, turkey and cheddar sandwich. Showered to get excess hair off me, then took a nap. Sports hour, but no I, Max. I don't have much to do for tomorrow, so I get to spend the next 4 hours spaced out. Awesome!

Shock therapy...

I understand it's the preseason. I do.

But if Grant Hill is getting 20, 6 and 5...

...if Steve Francis is getting 10+ assists...

...Orlando is a legitmate contender. So long as they don't run into Miami. They still don't have anything for Shaq. But, I have to tip my hat to Hill. 26 minutes. It's amazing.

Unfortunately, whenever there's a story involving a Mavs loss, you can bet it will be talked about. Oh well. It's only preseason.

Haircut will have to be tomorrow after class. I didn't have time today.

Going to sleep so I can wake up tomorrow.

Change...

New jeans (!)...new shirts...new shoes...new glasses (but those don't come in for a week)...

For tomorrow, new haircut...

I'll be so unrecognizable. I can't wait. Who knows, maybe I'll change my personality while I'm at it. I might just create a new FBombAndy. Why not? It'll be like a witness relocation thing. I could change my name, too.

It's just so right...

Yea...?

Nevermind...

Memories...

So I remembered what I had written earlier but accidentally deleted. I mentioned two of my dreams that have been bothering me.

The first, I fought off a pack of wolves with nothing but my bare hands. I got bit a few times too. It felt real.

The other, I punched a wall for what felt like 5 solid minutes. My entire dream was me punching a wall. Come on...

Today, I was cleaning the bathroom (something I never did when I lived in the dorm [sorry Ryan]) and I realized that I might not be a stripper (contrary to rumors in Spanish class) but I do have things to offer. I'm not a total slob. There's some good in me. And some "diablo"...

Also, I hate cleaning bathrooms.

Realization...

So, I've reached a new conclusion.

I am a narcissist with a lack of confidence.

I am a pessimistic potentialist. (I hope I just didn't make up a word. Potential-ist? Right?)

And that I can wait. Even if nothing happens, I can wait, because what else am I doing? Am I totally missing something I shouldn't be? Not that I know of. So I think I'll be patient.

I've also decided that my college plans have changed. Instead of going full-time until I graduate, I think I'll go part-time and work. Considering that I've covered all of my electives, all that is left is for me to take the core classes. There's a rule that we can't take more than 3 at a time. So, I figure I'll just stick to that. I can't graduate early, so I might as well take my time. I figure if I graduate in the Spring of 2007, it's just 5 years of college. That's actually becoming the norm here at UT. Although, UT is trying to crack down on this by having flat tuition rates, incentives, and what not. If I work as little as 20 hours a week, I can cover the tuition easily, and chip away at my current debt. By the time I graduate, I should owe absolutely nothing. Especially if I work full-time during the summer. Spring of 2007...I'll be 22. Not bad at all.

Financial stability. A friend of mine preaches that, and now I see the light. Thanks boliver321.

The complication...

A while back some friends of mine said I should become a psychologist. I help people with their problems so much with great results. Well, not anymore. I have a few of my own, and I've been rather quiet lately. So, after the recital, I decided to take my time walking back to the bus stop and consider my situation with more detail. The cool air is just what I need when I want to think.

I've figured out what I want. It makes perfect sense given my "growing up" conditions. I was constantly around people 5 to 8 years older than me. And they accepted me without regard to my age. Of course, when they were 21 and I was not, I made sure they knew I understood that I had to stay home. It was fine.

So, now I'm 20, and the age I can't wait to be is not 21. I want to be somewhere around 25 to 28. I want a nice job, a nice woman, and my own place. It hit me when I saw a couple driving away in their new VW something-or-other. They were dressed up, but it was obvious they were going home. And that's what I want. I want to be completely grown up. I don't want to wait any longer.

In other news, I've restarted the cycle. I'm torn right now. I'm haunted again. But I'm so close to having that peace of mind. It's right there. I can feel it. I guess I just need more time.

El Diablo Rojo...

You know...

For all of my exes, I have a scar named after them. The scar didn't have to happen while I was with them, just sometime before. I'm wondering who will get the one near my chin...

I want a Devil costume so bad. I still think about walking into a church wearing one. I would jump up and down, make stupid devil jokes, poke people with my plastic trident. It would be great.

If a guy's real name was Pablo, would "Pablo Diablo" be an OK nickname? Diablo...come on.

In other news, I had some pizza, and that makes me happy.

Also, the 3-pointer rule that the NBA thought about changing, yea, that's stupid. Don't do something stupid.

I figured out how to put MIDI files and such on my phone. I also learned that my phone can do MP3 ringtones. I'm working on that right now. Think I'll convert A Perfect Circle - Weak and Powerless. The song describes me so well. Sort of. I think I'm strong and powerful (ha).

"So pay me money, take a shot,
Lead-fill the hole in me."
(Not a quiz)

Ha...

I've been content. For at least 2 days. It might still be a joke, but I'm starting to laugh about it now. It's really turning into a sitcom. That's fine. I'll play along.

There's a trombone recital tonight that I can go to. Apparently, recitals count as concerts for my concert report. This is great. It starts at 8, the weather should be in the low 60s, so it'll be perfect for me to clear my head.

Just an update...you know, I said I wouldn't interfere. Looking at the situation with the information I have now, it's more like I can't compete. I don't stand a chance. So now I can laugh about it. I know I'm beat, so I'll move on. I almost have already. (Actually, I'm still 99% sure I could really compete. It's that 1% that scares me away though. Beh, I'll live.)

One of the parents is coming down tomorrow. This will be a good chance to scout around for a legitimate doctor. Also need to exchange some pants I bought last weekend. Might get a haircut also. It's been 3 weeks or so...

Damn noise...

The rattling...

The Sesame Street Singin' Ernie is too much...

I can't handle all of this noise. So I'm up in my room. Might bail on the concert. It's getting ugly outside and tomorrow has a better forecast.

By the way, the baby's toys are not for the parent's to rattle or shake or anything. They're for the baby to shake. Simple? Obvious? You betcha.

Well, since it's going to rain, and I don't feel well really, I'm going to lay down in the dark and soak it all up. I'm not depressed or anything, I just enjoy solitude more than anyone else I know. Nothing for the eyes to look at, which leaves my hearing to do the work. I love it...

Add-on...

As for today...

This is the shittiest day of the year so far.

Food poisoning + unknown Mid-term = HELL!!!

I spent all day holding my stomach, popping Tums, chewing mint gum, and praying I didn't embarass myself in front of some hot chic.

Not to mention that I clicked a link to erase this post already. I had written much more, but now I'm pissed about that.

Still feeling sick from the food poisoning. I'm getting better though. I'm going to try to eat something and then lay down some more.

I have to go to a concert today. I have a concert report due Friday. The concert is at 8. Please let me feel better by then.

A post for B...

So, boliver321 brings out some great points, like the fact that I do need to get my ass home. I do need a break from Austin. To this day, this has been the longest stay in Austin ever. I haven't been home since April. Usually I go back once a month, but for some reason it's been different lately.

In response to the second point, maybe I am finding myself. I do know what I want though. I want that 8 - 5 job in some office with a cubicle. I like order and organization, and it may be preemptive of me, but I'm really liking the concept of having a boss breathing down your neck. So I do know what I want to be. Kind of.

As far as relationships, I'm usually not looking for one. For instance, I was on the elevator with someone from my Music class. She's incredibly attractive and I know I could have started a minor conversation with ease. But I didn't. And it's because I don't think I could really do that right now. The thought of bringing someone to meet my family scares the bejeezus out of me. How long should we be together before she meets my parents? Will they like her? Will she like them? Just thinking about that stresses me out.

With that said, relationships seem to find me. Opportunities always come when I'm not looking. If you look at all of the exes in my life (not an invitation to talk about them), they were all unexpected. I didn't make the first move in any of those cases. So, when I thought an opportunity had arrived, and I decided I was going to take advantage of this, it turned out to be a false alarm. I got my hopes high, and that's where all of the emotional outbursts have stemmed from.

I was angry that I could be so wrong. I was depressed that I could be so wrong. I was frustrated that I could be so wrong. You get the idea. Well, now I'm content with being wrong. I'm finally content. I haven't felt this way in a while. Being OK with not being right...it's an odd concept for me.

Stupid map...

Come to think of it...it's more like I'm going in circles through some forest 'cause I don't have the map. The thing is, I know I've been here before. Really, almost an identical situation. The first time through, things didn't go the way I was hoping. But hey, this is a different opportunity in some ways. This chic is much better...I'm a bit wiser...

Just like Jay Mariotti, I am a flip-flopper. In the span of 24 hours, I've gone from being mad to being frustrated to being depressed to being confused to being indifferent. And now I'm changing again. I'm content.

I have to say, sometimes being friends is good enough.

Damn forest of sort...

Lost...

Confused...

Total struggle...

But it's still better than what it could be.

Today was full of subtle actions that I shouldn't overanalyze. But what am I doing? Overanalyzing.

In other news, I'm still alive and kicking.

Agony minus the ecstasy...

Really. No one better F around with me anytime soon. Definitely not in a good mood. We're talking about fists flying, evil stares, and a face that emits pure hatred. If you've never seen me like this, well, you really don't want to.

That guy on the bus who looks like you shouldn't sit next to him...yea, that's me.

I'm probably going to be like this for a week or two. Everything has been piled on. As usual, I'm going to push through. I'm doing my best to move on. Keep going forward.

Summary of all else: I don't think I'm an insurance policy. I wouldn't want to be one anyway. I think I've found a new catch anyway. Will allocate more time towards that goal. Have to go to a concert this week. Have to do a concert report. Will probably revert back to my anti-social self. Contradiction? You betcha.

Going to sleep now. Going back to my dreams. Might be unhealthy, but so is popping pills. Dreaming doesn't do any physical harm...

Legitimate question...

Wait...

Am I an insurance policy?

It would answer a ton of questions...and it would make a ton of sense.

But if I am, I don't know whether I should be happy or angry...

Damnit...

I already forgot...

What are those levels of emotions or something? Starts with denial and ends with acceptance? I know anger is in there somewhere. Amazingly, I think I skipped over denial. I don't remember denying anything. But then again, what do I remember these days?

Good friday. Everything went smooth, and I didn't feel quite as sick this morning. Logic, French Horn lessons, Music test. Easy.

Tomorrow is the big game. It's going to be like a horror movie when you're 5. You know, you put your hands over your eyes but you still peek between your fingers. That'll be me.

Red Sox are moving ahead. Yankees are up on the Twins 2 - 1 in whatever inning they're in. Beh.

I realy mean it. Milton Bradley is the baseball version of me. Makes me realize that if I played any pro sport, I would pay more money in fines than I would make. That isn't saying much though.

Can't get that song out of my head. Am I doing this to myself, or is this really some joke. Am I on camera? It's like everyone has a script already.

Fbombandy: "Hey, I just won the lottery!"
Someone else: "You did? How could you have won it if I just burned your ticket?"
Fbombandy: "Figures..."

Really now. Call off the dogs. I'm about one more week away from turning out all the lights and staying in my room 24-7. Dark curtains, sad music, just pure misery. One week. It's all I can take...(and if Texas loses, I'm turning off my cell phone, shutting down my computer, locking the doors, telling the mailman I'm on vacation...I will completely isolate myself. Completely.)