I'm getting that feeling again...
My advisor is trying to drop me from my CS class because I have to sign some paper or something. All I have to do is show up at her office, sign it, and nothing happens. So, I plan on going to her office at 9 in the morn to straighten things out.
Advisors here at UT suck. Because there are so many students, there is virutally no connection between one student and one advisor. Emails from them are rare, and those require little effort. The fact that this could have been taken care of had I been informed earlier really pisses me off. It's a stupid form.
So, now I have to get up just a little earlier. I'm not a morning person, so I'm going to be in a terrible mood. I'm going to want to burn things (I'm not an arsonist) and I'm going to want to smash things (I'm not in love with destruction.) They jack up the tuition, fire faculty, and build hotels. It's amazing. Why am I here then, you ask? Because I made a bad decision. Simple enough.
I have friends here in Austin. Good friends. But my closest friends aren't closer to me in terms of distance. 90% of them live in the Dallas area. It sucks when I think about it now. I was told that I need to go here, that I was ready. I'm such a sucker. Yea, I'm 35 hours away from practically whatever liberal arts degree I want (which isn't what I want,) but I'd rather be in Dallas. But I made a bad decision.
I don't mean to thumb my nose at liberal arts degrees. Any degree is a sign of accomplishment, no matter where from. But people and tests made me believe that science or engineering was my calling. Strike one of those out. (Psst, I'm talking about engineering.)
Either way, I've pretty much brought myself down into hell now. I'm going to retire into the flames and come back stronger than ever. Hopefully.
{Editor's Note: FBombAndy meant to put A Perfect Circle's Rose as his song for the post. Good lyrics, good song.}
Thursday, January 27
333 - Quickie
Let's get the small stuff out of the way.
I'm curious to see what happens tomorrow. I'm hoping for a smile.
Probably skipping that discussion section again. Just don't want to go.
Had another nerd moment. The sound system wasn't working during spanish today and la profesora wanted to show a movie clip. She needed a computer whiz to fix it. I waited to see if anyone would get up. No one did. So I had to go up there, do my magic, and sit down. Felt like a nerd.
You know, at first glance, I figure people don't know what to make of me. I've got glasses, but I don't have the nerd hair. 75% of the time, my face is clear. I don't dress like a nerd. I don't have a calculator watch. But at the same time, I'm not muscular, I'm not really tall, and I don't wear the trendy clothes. I just exist. But, if I was to take a test on social status, I'd probably get the jock label. With 10% nerd tacked on.
Either way, gonna watch some TV and relax. I've got nothing else.
{Added on around 6:40PM}
Copied this from Sportsgal's Blog, who copied it from some website, but either way, I have a link to her blog on the right.
"Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations."
That fits me perfectly. I mean, I fall hard when I fall for someone. And I do put forth plenty of effort. I'm not sure if I'm confident at all, but I could be. I don't know, I haven't sat down and analyzed that part of me. But really, when it comes to caring, I put it all out there. Eh...
I'm curious to see what happens tomorrow. I'm hoping for a smile.
Probably skipping that discussion section again. Just don't want to go.
Had another nerd moment. The sound system wasn't working during spanish today and la profesora wanted to show a movie clip. She needed a computer whiz to fix it. I waited to see if anyone would get up. No one did. So I had to go up there, do my magic, and sit down. Felt like a nerd.
You know, at first glance, I figure people don't know what to make of me. I've got glasses, but I don't have the nerd hair. 75% of the time, my face is clear. I don't dress like a nerd. I don't have a calculator watch. But at the same time, I'm not muscular, I'm not really tall, and I don't wear the trendy clothes. I just exist. But, if I was to take a test on social status, I'd probably get the jock label. With 10% nerd tacked on.
Either way, gonna watch some TV and relax. I've got nothing else.
{Added on around 6:40PM}
Copied this from Sportsgal's Blog, who copied it from some website, but either way, I have a link to her blog on the right.
"Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations."
That fits me perfectly. I mean, I fall hard when I fall for someone. And I do put forth plenty of effort. I'm not sure if I'm confident at all, but I could be. I don't know, I haven't sat down and analyzed that part of me. But really, when it comes to caring, I put it all out there. Eh...
Wednesday, January 26
332 - Empty
So yea...I gots nothing. A big bag of nothing.
Finally uploaded the picture. Should I upload one of me? I dunno...can't find a good one any way. But I am supposed to scan one from Drinkfest 2001. Brandon wearing a beater and band shorts with a Medieval Times crown on, cleaning up his aftermath. Funny stuff.
Maybe after watching Alias and the West Wing I'll have something good.
Finally uploaded the picture. Should I upload one of me? I dunno...can't find a good one any way. But I am supposed to scan one from Drinkfest 2001. Brandon wearing a beater and band shorts with a Medieval Times crown on, cleaning up his aftermath. Funny stuff.
Maybe after watching Alias and the West Wing I'll have something good.
Tuesday, January 25
331 - Diagnosis
After all of the complaining I've done about my stomach, I finally broke and went to a doctor. Apparently there's a good chance that I have an ulcer again. Again. Kind of sucks. But you know, I don't think they're as bad as I was first told. I mean, I imagined unbearable pain with little to no food. The pain isn't that bad. And I'm still eating what I want. I figure that I'll be better in a week.
So I did that after I was done with classes today. I didn't get home until about 4:30. I've been bored lately with my sports shows, so I don't mind. They're all talking about the Super Bowl and the Patriots, and that really beats me down.
No, I still haven't checked out my instrument. I have to do it tomorrow. Well, there's no way for me to forget since I do have lessons. Although I'm trying to figure out what to do with a two hour break on campus. Lunch, sure. But that only takes an hour or so. Eh, I'll figure out something.
Maybe I'll invite someone to lunch. Would be nice.
So either way, Scrubs is about to come on. If I add on tonight, it'll be around 10:30. And if I don't, well, I'll post tomorrow.
So I did that after I was done with classes today. I didn't get home until about 4:30. I've been bored lately with my sports shows, so I don't mind. They're all talking about the Super Bowl and the Patriots, and that really beats me down.
No, I still haven't checked out my instrument. I have to do it tomorrow. Well, there's no way for me to forget since I do have lessons. Although I'm trying to figure out what to do with a two hour break on campus. Lunch, sure. But that only takes an hour or so. Eh, I'll figure out something.
Maybe I'll invite someone to lunch. Would be nice.
So either way, Scrubs is about to come on. If I add on tonight, it'll be around 10:30. And if I don't, well, I'll post tomorrow.
Monday, January 24
330 - Update
Blogger is acting slow. Maybe a server was shot. With bullets. Either way, will post before midnight. Somewhat mildly entertaining day.
{Added on around 11:14PM}
So I woke up at 7:45. Decided to get to campus early so I could try to eat some breakfast. I'm not much of a breakfast person. My stomach usually feels like there's lava inside when I wake up so I try not to make things worse. But I usually get that hunger an hour after I wake up. Went with the normal biscuits and gravy. Pretty good. Went to Spanish, went to my CS class, didn't go pick up my horn. I keep procrastinating. I'll do it tomorrow for sure since my lessons are going to be on Wednesday from 2 - 3. Not too bad.
When I came home, I found my surprise. It came today. Really weird too because FedEx said it wouldn't get here until Tuesday. But eh, I'm happy that they were wrong. It took me 4 tries to set it up because (nerd moment, sorry) it needed a high power USB port, and the ones on the front of my case aren't high power. I didn't realize this until the fourth try. So I had to use the USB ports on the back of my computer. They're hard to get to, but I don't plan on changing the songs but once a month. (End of nerd moment.) So I have about 90 songs on it, and it's kind of nice. It really is small, like a pack of gum. Not the 15 stick pack, but the 5 stick pack. Weighs about as much.
Corn dogs are so great! Especially with mustard.
And then my brother had one of his best friends come over with his bride-to-be. We had salad and lasagna. And yes, I actually ate some salad. I normally don't. I'm not a big vegetable fan or whatever. But it was good. And his friend brought me software. Free, expensive software. Really cool of him.
So, I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after I get my degree. I've decided that if my GPA is high enough, I'm definitely going to grad school. I just don't feel that I will be ready in 1 - 2 years. So I figure more education is what I'll need. Or at least more time before I enter the real world.
So now, it's time for bed. Sleep. Dreams. Where anything I want, I get. A while back on the ol' blog, I asked if anyone else could control their dreams. Well, I'm asking the question again on this blog. Can anyone out there control their dreams? When you realize you're dreaming, do you wake up? I can. And from what I hear, it isn't weird. Or maybe it is.
{Added on around 11:14PM}
So I woke up at 7:45. Decided to get to campus early so I could try to eat some breakfast. I'm not much of a breakfast person. My stomach usually feels like there's lava inside when I wake up so I try not to make things worse. But I usually get that hunger an hour after I wake up. Went with the normal biscuits and gravy. Pretty good. Went to Spanish, went to my CS class, didn't go pick up my horn. I keep procrastinating. I'll do it tomorrow for sure since my lessons are going to be on Wednesday from 2 - 3. Not too bad.
When I came home, I found my surprise. It came today. Really weird too because FedEx said it wouldn't get here until Tuesday. But eh, I'm happy that they were wrong. It took me 4 tries to set it up because (nerd moment, sorry) it needed a high power USB port, and the ones on the front of my case aren't high power. I didn't realize this until the fourth try. So I had to use the USB ports on the back of my computer. They're hard to get to, but I don't plan on changing the songs but once a month. (End of nerd moment.) So I have about 90 songs on it, and it's kind of nice. It really is small, like a pack of gum. Not the 15 stick pack, but the 5 stick pack. Weighs about as much.
Corn dogs are so great! Especially with mustard.
And then my brother had one of his best friends come over with his bride-to-be. We had salad and lasagna. And yes, I actually ate some salad. I normally don't. I'm not a big vegetable fan or whatever. But it was good. And his friend brought me software. Free, expensive software. Really cool of him.
So, I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after I get my degree. I've decided that if my GPA is high enough, I'm definitely going to grad school. I just don't feel that I will be ready in 1 - 2 years. So I figure more education is what I'll need. Or at least more time before I enter the real world.
So now, it's time for bed. Sleep. Dreams. Where anything I want, I get. A while back on the ol' blog, I asked if anyone else could control their dreams. Well, I'm asking the question again on this blog. Can anyone out there control their dreams? When you realize you're dreaming, do you wake up? I can. And from what I hear, it isn't weird. Or maybe it is.
Sunday, January 23
329 - Boring
I checked the FedEx website with the tracker thing. They estimate that it will get here on Tuesday. Kinda sucks, because I was really hoping it would get here tomorrow afternoon. But eh, I'll live. What's one day?
OK, so I want to post a new pic, but the stupid program (Hello) is sucking right now. Seriously, it's pissing me off. I want to grab it and shake it real good. But unfortunately, it's a program. I can't do anything about it. Could punch my bed or something, but it's not worth it. I think I'll just count to ten, take a deep breath, or something.
Have a quiz in spanish tomorrow. I should do fine. I haven't studied or anything, so maybe I should. I should really try to be a better student. If only I weren't so lazy.
I still haven't heard what time my French Horn lessons are going to be. That worries me just a little. Lessons are supposed to start this week and I need to show up prepared. Eh, I'd be prepared if I had actually checked out an instrument on Thursday like I was supposed to. I'm really losing it.
Watched Desperate Housewives and Boston Legal. Both were good, although the former was a little slow. But I won't complain. I was thinking about posting my special playlist for when I go to sleep. It's 58 songs though, so I don't want to do all that. But I will list the groups followed by how many songs are on there from that group.
A Perfect Circle - 21 songs
Marvin Gaye - 1 song
Massive Attack - 2 songs
Radiohead - 29 songs
Tool - 3 songs
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - 2 songs
I know what I want to do. I've felt kind of bored all night. But now I know exactly what to do. I'm going to lie down on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling. Amazingly, I'm not bored when I do that. It really doesn't make sense, but it works.
OK, so I want to post a new pic, but the stupid program (Hello) is sucking right now. Seriously, it's pissing me off. I want to grab it and shake it real good. But unfortunately, it's a program. I can't do anything about it. Could punch my bed or something, but it's not worth it. I think I'll just count to ten, take a deep breath, or something.
Have a quiz in spanish tomorrow. I should do fine. I haven't studied or anything, so maybe I should. I should really try to be a better student. If only I weren't so lazy.
I still haven't heard what time my French Horn lessons are going to be. That worries me just a little. Lessons are supposed to start this week and I need to show up prepared. Eh, I'd be prepared if I had actually checked out an instrument on Thursday like I was supposed to. I'm really losing it.
Watched Desperate Housewives and Boston Legal. Both were good, although the former was a little slow. But I won't complain. I was thinking about posting my special playlist for when I go to sleep. It's 58 songs though, so I don't want to do all that. But I will list the groups followed by how many songs are on there from that group.
A Perfect Circle - 21 songs
Marvin Gaye - 1 song
Massive Attack - 2 songs
Radiohead - 29 songs
Tool - 3 songs
Yeah Yeah Yeahs - 2 songs
I know what I want to do. I've felt kind of bored all night. But now I know exactly what to do. I'm going to lie down on my bed and just stare up at the ceiling. Amazingly, I'm not bored when I do that. It really doesn't make sense, but it works.
Saturday, January 22
328 - Promptly
So far, so good.
Went to Mickey D's today. Flipped over the paper that they put on top of the tray. It had all of the nutritional information on the back. A double quarter pounder with cheese has 720 calories. Amazing. I would eat three of those a week back in the day. But back then I was in marching band and played basketball on the weekends. I burned those off in an hour.
I haven't played basketball since Nov. 19th. It's killing me.
I haven't marched since sometime in February of 2002.
I feel a little lazy. I need to go running or something. Just put on my headphones and run.
Oh my gosh oh my gosh (repeat)...I just checked my 'business' email (the one I give to companies that I know are going to flood me with spam) and my iPod Shuffle has been shipped. I went ahead and bought 2-day shipping, so it should be here Monday or Tuesday. Oh, I am so happy. Yes!
So, after the hellish months I've had, are things turning around? I don't want to jinx it. I mean, first I totally do something I would never think about otherwise, and then I get my Shuffle shipped 1 week after ordering when Apple said "2 - 3 weeks." And I got a pleasant email today from someone I consider a friend! It's almost too good for me to accept.
Oh, lately I've been getting a ton of signs. First her name shows up in Alias, which I didn't get to watch until Friday night, after I had switched my lab. And then her name showed up again while my sis-in-law was flipping through the channels. It's weirding me out. Or maybe I'm just analyzing too much.
Went to Mickey D's today. Flipped over the paper that they put on top of the tray. It had all of the nutritional information on the back. A double quarter pounder with cheese has 720 calories. Amazing. I would eat three of those a week back in the day. But back then I was in marching band and played basketball on the weekends. I burned those off in an hour.
I haven't played basketball since Nov. 19th. It's killing me.
I haven't marched since sometime in February of 2002.
I feel a little lazy. I need to go running or something. Just put on my headphones and run.
Oh my gosh oh my gosh (repeat)...I just checked my 'business' email (the one I give to companies that I know are going to flood me with spam) and my iPod Shuffle has been shipped. I went ahead and bought 2-day shipping, so it should be here Monday or Tuesday. Oh, I am so happy. Yes!
So, after the hellish months I've had, are things turning around? I don't want to jinx it. I mean, first I totally do something I would never think about otherwise, and then I get my Shuffle shipped 1 week after ordering when Apple said "2 - 3 weeks." And I got a pleasant email today from someone I consider a friend! It's almost too good for me to accept.
Oh, lately I've been getting a ton of signs. First her name shows up in Alias, which I didn't get to watch until Friday night, after I had switched my lab. And then her name showed up again while my sis-in-law was flipping through the channels. It's weirding me out. Or maybe I'm just analyzing too much.
Friday, January 21
327 - Repentance
I don't know what to say really. It's amazing that I don't know every single thing I am capable of. It's surprising that I could make a complete 180-degree turn instantaneously.
I saw her after lab. She called out my name. She was smiling. And it was the same smile from last semester. A smile that I believe to be genuine.
And so I turned.
At around 2 or so, I told myself that if I could transfer back into that lab, I would ask her if she would like that. So, I checked the lab to see if there was an opening. There was. I took that as some sort of sign. So I sent her a text. And she replied.
I'm back into the 10AM lab. I'm hoping that I did the right thing. If there's one thing I think is good about me, it's the fact that I can distinguish right from wrong. And that I do the right thing almost all of the time.
I'm second guessing that ability. I'm just not sure that I did the right thing. But then, I remember something.
"Never have I grown attached to someone this fast." - Dec. 5th
The entire post on Dec. 8th.
This post from Dec. 9th.
"...if showing up makes her happy, I'll show up. If I have to walk through rain or snow to show up, then I'll start walking now." - Dec. 12th
"Even if I'm being ignored, that shouldn't change how I treat someone. If I can make someone smile, I should do everything to make it happen." - Jan. 7th
"If when I walk through that door, she has that smile on her face, I will be perfect to (not for) her." - Jan. 11th
"But when I told her "I'll be there for you," I meant it. It's the best thing I can offer. It's the only thing I can offer." - Jan. 12th
If I did just walk away, I would be a hypocrite. I can't allow that. If I said those things, they were the truth, because I am an honest person. And if those words are my truth, I must live by them as well. So, to all of you who suggested that I move on, that I just accept my decision to keep going forward, I'm sorry. I apologize.
I'm staying.
I saw her after lab. She called out my name. She was smiling. And it was the same smile from last semester. A smile that I believe to be genuine.
And so I turned.
At around 2 or so, I told myself that if I could transfer back into that lab, I would ask her if she would like that. So, I checked the lab to see if there was an opening. There was. I took that as some sort of sign. So I sent her a text. And she replied.
I'm back into the 10AM lab. I'm hoping that I did the right thing. If there's one thing I think is good about me, it's the fact that I can distinguish right from wrong. And that I do the right thing almost all of the time.
I'm second guessing that ability. I'm just not sure that I did the right thing. But then, I remember something.
"Never have I grown attached to someone this fast." - Dec. 5th
The entire post on Dec. 8th.
This post from Dec. 9th.
"...if showing up makes her happy, I'll show up. If I have to walk through rain or snow to show up, then I'll start walking now." - Dec. 12th
"Even if I'm being ignored, that shouldn't change how I treat someone. If I can make someone smile, I should do everything to make it happen." - Jan. 7th
"If when I walk through that door, she has that smile on her face, I will be perfect to (not for) her." - Jan. 11th
"But when I told her "I'll be there for you," I meant it. It's the best thing I can offer. It's the only thing I can offer." - Jan. 12th
If I did just walk away, I would be a hypocrite. I can't allow that. If I said those things, they were the truth, because I am an honest person. And if those words are my truth, I must live by them as well. So, to all of you who suggested that I move on, that I just accept my decision to keep going forward, I'm sorry. I apologize.
I'm staying.
326 - Temp
On campus still. Have one more class, although it's really a discussion section. Thinking about skipping it. Eh. I don't know.
Was more than 10 seconds. But close enough. I'll elaborate more when I get home.
So, I'm home right now. I did skip the discussion section. My excuse will be that I thought all labs and discussion crap starts next week. It's a good one. Also, I forgot to check out my instrument. So I need to do that this weekend, or first thing on Monday. I also need to see if I can get a locker. Would be a ton easier than dragging that thing on the bus.
OK, so I went to my lab this morning. The nice thing about it right now is that there's not a ton of people in it. Maybe 20. So I can sit anywhere I want and not have anyone sit next to me. Not bad. The proctors are alright so far. I can't tell if they're nice or just pretending. I'll figure it out soon enough.
Well wait. Some new developments. I'll post more in a litle bit when I know for sure what's going on.
Was more than 10 seconds. But close enough. I'll elaborate more when I get home.
So, I'm home right now. I did skip the discussion section. My excuse will be that I thought all labs and discussion crap starts next week. It's a good one. Also, I forgot to check out my instrument. So I need to do that this weekend, or first thing on Monday. I also need to see if I can get a locker. Would be a ton easier than dragging that thing on the bus.
OK, so I went to my lab this morning. The nice thing about it right now is that there's not a ton of people in it. Maybe 20. So I can sit anywhere I want and not have anyone sit next to me. Not bad. The proctors are alright so far. I can't tell if they're nice or just pretending. I'll figure it out soon enough.
Well wait. Some new developments. I'll post more in a litle bit when I know for sure what's going on.
Thursday, January 20
325 - Drop
Let's get down to business.
I just dropped my Sociology course. But if I decide I want it back, I have from 8 to 4 tomorrow to do so. Maybe I'll find a better class. I was looking at an Intro to Philosphy, but I do not want to write any papers this semester. Well, really, I don't want to read any books. I hate reading. And yes, I'm still in college. I feel bad though. I'm starting out the semester with only 13 hours. I feel like I'm slacking. I don't mean to offend anyone who does the same. It's just that every semester I've been here, I've taken at least 15 hours. My first semester, I took 17. That semester sucked. With labs and all, it was more like 20. So this is a dramatic difference to me. Then again, I'll be able to focus on my main classes better. My relief class will be my French Horn lessons. It really calms me down.
Also, I bought my brown shoes today. I gave in. They are just too good.
Other than that, not too much happened. Oh, in case you are at someone else's computer, or for whatever reason, you can also reach this blog from www.fbombandy.com. Pretty neat, huh?
At the end of our senior year, Anh told me to get a conscience here at UT. Still working on it. I'll try not to disappoint.
And since I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow, I'm done for the night.
(Oh, and I still haven't figured out a time. But believe me, I'm sure I'll have much more interesting stuff during the weekend.)
I just dropped my Sociology course. But if I decide I want it back, I have from 8 to 4 tomorrow to do so. Maybe I'll find a better class. I was looking at an Intro to Philosphy, but I do not want to write any papers this semester. Well, really, I don't want to read any books. I hate reading. And yes, I'm still in college. I feel bad though. I'm starting out the semester with only 13 hours. I feel like I'm slacking. I don't mean to offend anyone who does the same. It's just that every semester I've been here, I've taken at least 15 hours. My first semester, I took 17. That semester sucked. With labs and all, it was more like 20. So this is a dramatic difference to me. Then again, I'll be able to focus on my main classes better. My relief class will be my French Horn lessons. It really calms me down.
Also, I bought my brown shoes today. I gave in. They are just too good.
Other than that, not too much happened. Oh, in case you are at someone else's computer, or for whatever reason, you can also reach this blog from www.fbombandy.com. Pretty neat, huh?
At the end of our senior year, Anh told me to get a conscience here at UT. Still working on it. I'll try not to disappoint.
And since I have to wake up at 7 tomorrow, I'm done for the night.
(Oh, and I still haven't figured out a time. But believe me, I'm sure I'll have much more interesting stuff during the weekend.)
Wednesday, January 19
324 - Thoughts
I have to keep telling myself that I am not a heartless bastard. That I am not what I was in high school. I'd like to think I'm way beyond that.
I don't meet people very easily, so when I get a new friend, I try to keep them as long as possible. Yet, here I am disconnecting from a new acquaintance. Fairly new. Am I giving up? I think I'm giving up.
I woke up at 3:45 this morning. I couldn't go back to sleep until 4:30. Worst 45 minutes ever. OK, maybe not. And you guessed it, I was only thinking about my lab. Well, sort of. I had a terrible dream. My parents were surrounded by a bunch of guys with knives. Maybe 7 or 8 guys. I was standing outside the group when I grabbed a piece of metal. I went after the closest guy and just started slashing. He fell to the ground, and I went after the next. Before I could get to him, I woke up. Either way...
I thought about that spanish lab all day. From the time I stepped into my spanish class to the moment I got to a computer lab. During all my classes. I thought about each possibility. The idea that she would be happy to see as well as the idea that she would be happier not seeing me. My overanalysis really kicked in today.
I have plenty of inspiration, but I am not strong enough to write what I feel right now. Another flaw for me to fix.
The song I'm really hooked on right now is What's Going On originally by Marvin Gaye. The first time I heard it was by A Perfect Circle though. I loved it. Very soft and smooth, just the right amount of instrumental parts. That made me want to hear the original. So I borrowed my dad's CD collection, and sure enough he had it. The original is great, if not perfect. The feeling in his voice, the power. So now I listen to both versions on my way to class.
Well, it's almost that time. Contrary to what the time says on the post, it's really 10:54. Yea, it took me 30 minutes to write this. A ton of deleting and re-wording. Such a perfectionist...
I don't meet people very easily, so when I get a new friend, I try to keep them as long as possible. Yet, here I am disconnecting from a new acquaintance. Fairly new. Am I giving up? I think I'm giving up.
I woke up at 3:45 this morning. I couldn't go back to sleep until 4:30. Worst 45 minutes ever. OK, maybe not. And you guessed it, I was only thinking about my lab. Well, sort of. I had a terrible dream. My parents were surrounded by a bunch of guys with knives. Maybe 7 or 8 guys. I was standing outside the group when I grabbed a piece of metal. I went after the closest guy and just started slashing. He fell to the ground, and I went after the next. Before I could get to him, I woke up. Either way...
I thought about that spanish lab all day. From the time I stepped into my spanish class to the moment I got to a computer lab. During all my classes. I thought about each possibility. The idea that she would be happy to see as well as the idea that she would be happier not seeing me. My overanalysis really kicked in today.
I have plenty of inspiration, but I am not strong enough to write what I feel right now. Another flaw for me to fix.
The song I'm really hooked on right now is What's Going On originally by Marvin Gaye. The first time I heard it was by A Perfect Circle though. I loved it. Very soft and smooth, just the right amount of instrumental parts. That made me want to hear the original. So I borrowed my dad's CD collection, and sure enough he had it. The original is great, if not perfect. The feeling in his voice, the power. So now I listen to both versions on my way to class.
Well, it's almost that time. Contrary to what the time says on the post, it's really 10:54. Yea, it took me 30 minutes to write this. A ton of deleting and re-wording. Such a perfectionist...
323 - Simple
Tool - H (Most of it. Not all of it. Lyrics should be easy to find.)
(Three days ago...)
He knew I hadn't changed my lab because I'm different from a year ago. I thought I was perfect back then. He was right too. His analysis was incredibly accurate.
But today, things are different. I changed my lab. I added French Horn lessons, and I'm still debating whether or not I should drop my sociology course. I feel liberated. I'm not going to feel awkward in my lab. My lab.
I moved it an hour early. This means that when I'm walking out, she's walking in. But I'm going to keep walking. If she says hi or anything, I'll say it back. But that's it. I have to keep moving forward.
Does changing my lab, according to his idea, mean that I think I'm perfect now?
I'm not sure what I think. I just know that I'm doing what I want. Might sound a little selfish, but it will probably be the only instance this semester. 99% of the time, I am only thinking about others, never myself. I just think I need space.
(Three days ago...)
He knew I hadn't changed my lab because I'm different from a year ago. I thought I was perfect back then. He was right too. His analysis was incredibly accurate.
But today, things are different. I changed my lab. I added French Horn lessons, and I'm still debating whether or not I should drop my sociology course. I feel liberated. I'm not going to feel awkward in my lab. My lab.
I moved it an hour early. This means that when I'm walking out, she's walking in. But I'm going to keep walking. If she says hi or anything, I'll say it back. But that's it. I have to keep moving forward.
Does changing my lab, according to his idea, mean that I think I'm perfect now?
I'm not sure what I think. I just know that I'm doing what I want. Might sound a little selfish, but it will probably be the only instance this semester. 99% of the time, I am only thinking about others, never myself. I just think I need space.
Tuesday, January 18
322 - Start
Things went OK. Nothing terrible happened. Well, except that during one of my classes my stomach started growling really loud. Kinda sucked. But otherwise, I think that things will go well. Tomorrow I get to check out some other classes, and I hope there's good things going on in there.
Ok, yea, that paragraph sucked.
Woke up at 4 in the morn. Felt rested. I guess my body thought I was just taking a nap. I forced myself to go back to sleep. Got another 3 hours in before my alarm went off. My alarm has to be the worst thing ever. It sounds like one of those alarm bells that you find in a firestation. It wakes me up, and that's the goal. Didn't have good batteries for my MP3 player, so I just sat on the bus with earphones on. No sound from the earphones. It just keeps me from engaging in meaningless conversations with bums, hippies, or such.
Went to the mall and shopped around a little bit. Got a new long sleeve shirt. Pretty sweet. All I have left to do is get some comfortable dark brown shoes. I found some Nikes on sale at the Finish Line, but I didn't go through with it. Once again, I find something I like and I tell myself "no."
I'm really going to try my hardest to post everyday. I don't know if it'll hold. Since classes are starting, things are getting boring. I haven't figured out what time I want to devote to posting yet either. I was thinking about doing it once I get home, but the first thing I want to do is take a nap. Before I go to bed seems like the best option. Willing to accept suggestions.
And with that, good night.
Ok, yea, that paragraph sucked.
Woke up at 4 in the morn. Felt rested. I guess my body thought I was just taking a nap. I forced myself to go back to sleep. Got another 3 hours in before my alarm went off. My alarm has to be the worst thing ever. It sounds like one of those alarm bells that you find in a firestation. It wakes me up, and that's the goal. Didn't have good batteries for my MP3 player, so I just sat on the bus with earphones on. No sound from the earphones. It just keeps me from engaging in meaningless conversations with bums, hippies, or such.
Went to the mall and shopped around a little bit. Got a new long sleeve shirt. Pretty sweet. All I have left to do is get some comfortable dark brown shoes. I found some Nikes on sale at the Finish Line, but I didn't go through with it. Once again, I find something I like and I tell myself "no."
I'm really going to try my hardest to post everyday. I don't know if it'll hold. Since classes are starting, things are getting boring. I haven't figured out what time I want to devote to posting yet either. I was thinking about doing it once I get home, but the first thing I want to do is take a nap. Before I go to bed seems like the best option. Willing to accept suggestions.
And with that, good night.
Monday, January 17
321 - Prepare
So, classes start tomorrow. I'm a little nervous. Well, really, not that nervous. I've done this before about 5 times. It gets easier each time. And really, only my spanish class will be awkward. I'll have to meet new people in there and such. I think there are two guys in there from my last spanish class. Might make things easier.
It worked. Staying up late last night combined with waking up early this morning has me extremely tired right now. But I didn't want to go to bed without posting something. Besides, my best work comes out when I'm half-asleep.
Today was boring. I just now realized that. Totally boring.
So yea, I'm going to wake up early and get a haircut. Well, a trim really. So, I figure I can wake up at 7, leave at 8, get my haircut at 9, and then go to class at 10. Might work. I want to look real good on my first day.
So either way, I'm gonna try to sleep now. I know it's early, but I must force myself before I drool all over the keyboard. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes. Hmm...I typed it out. "You all." Not, "y'all." But when I say it...eh, nevermind.
It worked. Staying up late last night combined with waking up early this morning has me extremely tired right now. But I didn't want to go to bed without posting something. Besides, my best work comes out when I'm half-asleep.
Today was boring. I just now realized that. Totally boring.
So yea, I'm going to wake up early and get a haircut. Well, a trim really. So, I figure I can wake up at 7, leave at 8, get my haircut at 9, and then go to class at 10. Might work. I want to look real good on my first day.
So either way, I'm gonna try to sleep now. I know it's early, but I must force myself before I drool all over the keyboard. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes. Hmm...I typed it out. "You all." Not, "y'all." But when I say it...eh, nevermind.
Sunday, January 16
320 - Drinkfest
"Therapy?! This is all the therapy I need!"
Drinking. So much fun. No, I'm not drinking right now. But I am thinking back to the days that I did. One such occasion I like to call, Drinkfest 2001.
Oh what a night! I don't remember the cause of it all, but CT, Brandon, and I all decided to drink our troubles away. Or just to drink. Maybe there wasn't a reason. I don't remember.
The highlights were CT and Brandon driving drunk (on a video game), CT passing out on my bed, Brandon messing up my parents' rug, then passing out on the couch, and for the finale, myself passing out on my parents' bed.
Brandon invented this torture device. You take three shots rapidly. One of Midori, one of Tequila, and one of Rum. In that order. Well, after CT did one, Brandon asked, "You sure you want to do it again?" Well, CT did, and after doing so fell down in the kitchen. Hilarious.
After CT had passed out, Brandon and I kept drinking. We played some playstation football game, and we turned that into more drinking. When someone scored, the other person had to take a shot. I won by about 40 points. So, Brandon drank the most, CT drank the least, and I was somewhere in the middle.
This Drinkfest started at 9PM and went on until 3 in the morn. Was absolute fun. And it worked.
I didn't think about anyone or anything not inside my house. And that feeling is something I want back.
I can do it. I can get that feeling back. All I need to do is focus.
{Editor's Note: FBombAndy is going to try to cut back on depressing posts.}
Drinking. So much fun. No, I'm not drinking right now. But I am thinking back to the days that I did. One such occasion I like to call, Drinkfest 2001.
Oh what a night! I don't remember the cause of it all, but CT, Brandon, and I all decided to drink our troubles away. Or just to drink. Maybe there wasn't a reason. I don't remember.
The highlights were CT and Brandon driving drunk (on a video game), CT passing out on my bed, Brandon messing up my parents' rug, then passing out on the couch, and for the finale, myself passing out on my parents' bed.
Brandon invented this torture device. You take three shots rapidly. One of Midori, one of Tequila, and one of Rum. In that order. Well, after CT did one, Brandon asked, "You sure you want to do it again?" Well, CT did, and after doing so fell down in the kitchen. Hilarious.
After CT had passed out, Brandon and I kept drinking. We played some playstation football game, and we turned that into more drinking. When someone scored, the other person had to take a shot. I won by about 40 points. So, Brandon drank the most, CT drank the least, and I was somewhere in the middle.
This Drinkfest started at 9PM and went on until 3 in the morn. Was absolute fun. And it worked.
I didn't think about anyone or anything not inside my house. And that feeling is something I want back.
I can do it. I can get that feeling back. All I need to do is focus.
{Editor's Note: FBombAndy is going to try to cut back on depressing posts.}
319 - History
Watched Desperate Housewives. (Damn you Tony Parker!) Watched Boston Legal. Don't really want to talk about the football games.
I'm going to start posting earlier than my usual 3AM banter. I need to get my sleeping pattern down. I need to be prepared to wake up at 8 on Tuesday. Yea, only 8AM. I'm so lucky that way. Everyday I go in at 10. On Tuesdays and Fridays, I'm done at 2. Monday and Wednesday, 1. And on Thursday, 12:30. And yes, that somehow adds up to 14 hours. I would take more, but unfortunately I've completed all of my electives. Now I just have to take the core classes and I'm done. Quite possibly I'll be a part time student after this semester. There are restrictions on how many CS courses we can take in a semester, and I don't see a point in paying for more than 6 hours. Tuition here is skyrocketing. I don't want to have too large of a debt.
My parents left this afternoon. For some reason, as I sit at my desk, I feel like they're still here. I'm not sure why.
The things I'd give up to not be sober. To taste Paulaner again. I miss it. And if I succumb, I could very well disappear. And so, I continue to control my urges. And I continue to be extremely jealous.
Another idea. Why don't I type up part of my journal, from the time before blogs?
You know, this is tough. I'm reading through it, and I wrote some dumb stuff in it. I mean, I want to criticize the person who wrote it, but then I remember that I wrote it. Terrible. OK, I read the entire thing, and wow. The things I went through then are nothing compared to the things today.
Alright, I might post later. I want to go to bed at 1, but I don't think that's going to happen. And I'm sure that if I'm up past that time, I'll have something more interesting to write about.
I'm going to start posting earlier than my usual 3AM banter. I need to get my sleeping pattern down. I need to be prepared to wake up at 8 on Tuesday. Yea, only 8AM. I'm so lucky that way. Everyday I go in at 10. On Tuesdays and Fridays, I'm done at 2. Monday and Wednesday, 1. And on Thursday, 12:30. And yes, that somehow adds up to 14 hours. I would take more, but unfortunately I've completed all of my electives. Now I just have to take the core classes and I'm done. Quite possibly I'll be a part time student after this semester. There are restrictions on how many CS courses we can take in a semester, and I don't see a point in paying for more than 6 hours. Tuition here is skyrocketing. I don't want to have too large of a debt.
My parents left this afternoon. For some reason, as I sit at my desk, I feel like they're still here. I'm not sure why.
The things I'd give up to not be sober. To taste Paulaner again. I miss it. And if I succumb, I could very well disappear. And so, I continue to control my urges. And I continue to be extremely jealous.
Another idea. Why don't I type up part of my journal, from the time before blogs?
You know, this is tough. I'm reading through it, and I wrote some dumb stuff in it. I mean, I want to criticize the person who wrote it, but then I remember that I wrote it. Terrible. OK, I read the entire thing, and wow. The things I went through then are nothing compared to the things today.
Alright, I might post later. I want to go to bed at 1, but I don't think that's going to happen. And I'm sure that if I'm up past that time, I'll have something more interesting to write about.
Saturday, January 15
318 - Determination
Let me get the minor things out of the way. I ordered my iPod Shuffle today from the Apple Store. Says it'll take 2 - 3 weeks, which is fine. The next thing that I have to do is to buy a new 5 section notebook, maybe a new backpack, some new shirts and pants, and I'll be set. But I'm going to space it out over the semester. I'll try my hardest to not buy anything until February.
My bro's friend moved up the wedding to the middle of February, after Valentine's Day. Woo hoo.
So, I was talking to my mom about my plans to go to Vegas when I turn 21. She countered with, "Are you going to take anyone?" Yea. She really did. Same person who said, when seeing how big my bed was, "Wow! You can fit two people on there!" Do I really need this right now? Doesn't help any when my dad is asking me things like, "So, when am I going to meet her? Who's your girlfriend?" More sources of all this.
Went to bed at 6AM this morning. Woke up at 11AM. Haven't taken a nap or anything, so I'm happy so far. Oh! What's this? A King Size Reese's FastBreak on my desk? Sweet. (Honestly, I don't know if I'm eating so much chocolate because I like it, or because I'm really feeling down.)
"I don't NEED anyone as in I won't die without them but... I do need someone to share all the love that is inside of me with."
These are the words I've wanted to say but didn't know how. That is, if this is love. There's something inside me, and it's ready to burst out. As far as my friends go, I don't have one that makes me think they talk too much. I'm a listener. My complement is someone who talks.
An interesting observation about Winter. It's cold. People do want to be next to another. Maybe this all has to do with the season. The holidays that are coming up and such. I just noticed that last year I didn't post on February 14th or 15th. The obvious reason is V-Day. "What about the 15th?" Well, it's another day that reminds me of her. Just like January 12th, 14th, 23rd, and June 6th. There are two other days, but I don't remember which specifically. Oh, this is hard...
"Last week was quite possibly the hardest week I have had in the past 2 years. Sunday was quite possibly the hardest day in 3 years. But I survived.
Why was Sunday so hard for me? Because Feb. 15th is a special day. No, not because it's the day after V-day. It's the birthday of a past love. I never got to spend it with her, but that's ok. So long as I make it through that day, I am well. Yet, the more I try to forget, the more it becomes embedded in my memory. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can live with that. The good memories out-number the bad ones. I made it past that day, and I can look forward to another good 364 days."
-by FBombAndy on Feb. 16th, 2004.
(Brandon, I'm trying man. I should have been over it by now. It's just stuck in the back of my head for the meantime. Happens every year around this time.)
By the way, 8 days after that post, I was in the ER. A stomach ulcer. I was placed on an oatmeal and bananas diet. All because that season got to me. It broke me. But I'm determined to not let that happen again. I won't let it.
And so begins another day. I am not alone.
(Did I mention that I got a forward from her? The one from last semester. I shouldn't just use 'her' all the time. What's a good alias? Either way, I ended up deleting it. I realize now that it's not enough. And I hope I'm not expecting too much.)
My bro's friend moved up the wedding to the middle of February, after Valentine's Day. Woo hoo.
So, I was talking to my mom about my plans to go to Vegas when I turn 21. She countered with, "Are you going to take anyone?" Yea. She really did. Same person who said, when seeing how big my bed was, "Wow! You can fit two people on there!" Do I really need this right now? Doesn't help any when my dad is asking me things like, "So, when am I going to meet her? Who's your girlfriend?" More sources of all this.
Went to bed at 6AM this morning. Woke up at 11AM. Haven't taken a nap or anything, so I'm happy so far. Oh! What's this? A King Size Reese's FastBreak on my desk? Sweet. (Honestly, I don't know if I'm eating so much chocolate because I like it, or because I'm really feeling down.)
"I don't NEED anyone as in I won't die without them but... I do need someone to share all the love that is inside of me with."
These are the words I've wanted to say but didn't know how. That is, if this is love. There's something inside me, and it's ready to burst out. As far as my friends go, I don't have one that makes me think they talk too much. I'm a listener. My complement is someone who talks.
An interesting observation about Winter. It's cold. People do want to be next to another. Maybe this all has to do with the season. The holidays that are coming up and such. I just noticed that last year I didn't post on February 14th or 15th. The obvious reason is V-Day. "What about the 15th?" Well, it's another day that reminds me of her. Just like January 12th, 14th, 23rd, and June 6th. There are two other days, but I don't remember which specifically. Oh, this is hard...
"Last week was quite possibly the hardest week I have had in the past 2 years. Sunday was quite possibly the hardest day in 3 years. But I survived.
Why was Sunday so hard for me? Because Feb. 15th is a special day. No, not because it's the day after V-day. It's the birthday of a past love. I never got to spend it with her, but that's ok. So long as I make it through that day, I am well. Yet, the more I try to forget, the more it becomes embedded in my memory. It will haunt me for the rest of my life. I can live with that. The good memories out-number the bad ones. I made it past that day, and I can look forward to another good 364 days."
-by FBombAndy on Feb. 16th, 2004.
(Brandon, I'm trying man. I should have been over it by now. It's just stuck in the back of my head for the meantime. Happens every year around this time.)
By the way, 8 days after that post, I was in the ER. A stomach ulcer. I was placed on an oatmeal and bananas diet. All because that season got to me. It broke me. But I'm determined to not let that happen again. I won't let it.
And so begins another day. I am not alone.
(Did I mention that I got a forward from her? The one from last semester. I shouldn't just use 'her' all the time. What's a good alias? Either way, I ended up deleting it. I realize now that it's not enough. And I hope I'm not expecting too much.)
317 - Gratitude
After reading each of your comments, I must say that I feel better. I am very appreciative of these efforts. I'll address each one in their own way.
You know those pacts that people make, the ones where if two people are still single when they're 30, they'll get married? No, I'm not going to make a pact like that. But I do feel like I'll end up marrying a friend. 80% of my friends are females. Seems like good odds. And because I have a hard time meeting new people, it's even more likely.
You're right. Love shouldn't be rushed, and it shouldn't be chased. Like I told Brandon, we are young. There's still time. But right now, even though I know I'm wrong, I feel like it's the only thing I'm missing. It's the only thing stopping me from being complete. When I ride the bus to school, I do nothing but think about my situation. And then that weight breaks me. By the time I get to campus, I look 10 years older. When I go to bed, I think more about it. I end up staring into the darkness and wondering if this is it. (If stopping to assess my situation will make me a better person, then I'm all for it. I do have my goals.)
Love does make you do those things. I'm just not sure if I'm doing it out of love. Confusing, eh? Here's an interesting thing. I remember walking away from my spanish class one thursday. I remember that right before I got to the bus stop, I just wanted to hug someone. Just some random chic. All because I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't. I didn't explode. (I'll have to let someone protect me eventually. I'll have to give it up and ask for help. Something I have an extremely difficult time doing.)
There's another problem I need to fix. When I'm with someone, I can never open up to them. I tried it once, and I got completely ignored. I guess I'm still haunted by that. I can't laugh in front of people. I can't cry in front of people. In fact, I've only cried once in the past 7 years. And that was because I failed myself. Miserably. I spent the rest of that night in solitude. I missed school the next day. And I just can't open up. I can't be vulnerable. Someday. That's all I can hope for. (Better to be alone than in bad company. I like that. I just hope I don't become a hermit. My parents are closing in on 30 years. And right now, I'd be happy with one year. Or so I think.)
I just end up falling for the wrong people. The wrong circumstances. And I want to give up. At the same time, I've heard that sitting around will get me nowhere. I'm so conflicted. I want to go out there, find someone, and be there's. At the same time, I don't want to go out there. I don't want to meet someone new. And I'd rather that they be mine. With statements like that, I'm just going to confuse myself, which is very, very possible. (My longest relationship was 6 months. Nothing like 7 years. If I feel this defeated...then...wow. Interesting that you chose 3 Libras. That song reminds me of her.)
Why would I break in January? Why now? And then, it hits me.
I just got a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday. And that wedding takes place one week after one of my bro's best friends gets married. Under guests, will I put a big fat zero? And in between today and then comes Valentine's Day. A day I've never enjoyed.
I have a feeling that the next two months are going to be hell. On campus, there will be nothing but couples walking together and holding hands. Possibly more. And I'll just have to keep walking. Keep moving on. Moving forward. Progress.
I told my parents to wake me up whenever they wake up, which could be in 5 hours. And I'll be awake for another 2.
3 new pictures up.
You know those pacts that people make, the ones where if two people are still single when they're 30, they'll get married? No, I'm not going to make a pact like that. But I do feel like I'll end up marrying a friend. 80% of my friends are females. Seems like good odds. And because I have a hard time meeting new people, it's even more likely.
You're right. Love shouldn't be rushed, and it shouldn't be chased. Like I told Brandon, we are young. There's still time. But right now, even though I know I'm wrong, I feel like it's the only thing I'm missing. It's the only thing stopping me from being complete. When I ride the bus to school, I do nothing but think about my situation. And then that weight breaks me. By the time I get to campus, I look 10 years older. When I go to bed, I think more about it. I end up staring into the darkness and wondering if this is it. (If stopping to assess my situation will make me a better person, then I'm all for it. I do have my goals.)
Love does make you do those things. I'm just not sure if I'm doing it out of love. Confusing, eh? Here's an interesting thing. I remember walking away from my spanish class one thursday. I remember that right before I got to the bus stop, I just wanted to hug someone. Just some random chic. All because I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't. I didn't explode. (I'll have to let someone protect me eventually. I'll have to give it up and ask for help. Something I have an extremely difficult time doing.)
There's another problem I need to fix. When I'm with someone, I can never open up to them. I tried it once, and I got completely ignored. I guess I'm still haunted by that. I can't laugh in front of people. I can't cry in front of people. In fact, I've only cried once in the past 7 years. And that was because I failed myself. Miserably. I spent the rest of that night in solitude. I missed school the next day. And I just can't open up. I can't be vulnerable. Someday. That's all I can hope for. (Better to be alone than in bad company. I like that. I just hope I don't become a hermit. My parents are closing in on 30 years. And right now, I'd be happy with one year. Or so I think.)
I just end up falling for the wrong people. The wrong circumstances. And I want to give up. At the same time, I've heard that sitting around will get me nowhere. I'm so conflicted. I want to go out there, find someone, and be there's. At the same time, I don't want to go out there. I don't want to meet someone new. And I'd rather that they be mine. With statements like that, I'm just going to confuse myself, which is very, very possible. (My longest relationship was 6 months. Nothing like 7 years. If I feel this defeated...then...wow. Interesting that you chose 3 Libras. That song reminds me of her.)
Why would I break in January? Why now? And then, it hits me.
I just got a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday. And that wedding takes place one week after one of my bro's best friends gets married. Under guests, will I put a big fat zero? And in between today and then comes Valentine's Day. A day I've never enjoyed.
I have a feeling that the next two months are going to be hell. On campus, there will be nothing but couples walking together and holding hands. Possibly more. And I'll just have to keep walking. Keep moving on. Moving forward. Progress.
I told my parents to wake me up whenever they wake up, which could be in 5 hours. And I'll be awake for another 2.
3 new pictures up.
Friday, January 14
316 - Theory
This might be a short post, but I need to get it out there while I can.
What if I'm not built for love? What if I can only be satisfactory? I think I am capable of love, but honestly, I don't think I've felt it. I can imagine it. And I am seduced by the idea of something so powerful.
Each of them said those three words, but here I stand before you alone and single. Without another. By myself.
I can make people smile. I can make people cry. I can make people laugh. I can make people feel sad, happy, frustrated, relieved, you name it. I can inflict any emotion on anyone.
But I'm not sure about love.
So what if the best I can be is a satisfactory companion for someone? A strong shoulder to share their burden and nothing more? Someone to come home to and tell how your day went? Someone to provide comfort?
Things are familiarly quiet.
What if I'm not built for love? What if I can only be satisfactory? I think I am capable of love, but honestly, I don't think I've felt it. I can imagine it. And I am seduced by the idea of something so powerful.
Each of them said those three words, but here I stand before you alone and single. Without another. By myself.
I can make people smile. I can make people cry. I can make people laugh. I can make people feel sad, happy, frustrated, relieved, you name it. I can inflict any emotion on anyone.
But I'm not sure about love.
So what if the best I can be is a satisfactory companion for someone? A strong shoulder to share their burden and nothing more? Someone to come home to and tell how your day went? Someone to provide comfort?
Things are familiarly quiet.
315 - Nothing
I'm sorry about the last post. I kind of let loose. I'll try not to let it happen again. (I'm not sorry for being honest though.)
So, my parents are going to be here at noon, and I've decided to stay up all night. Or as long as I can. It might be easier for me to adjust if I just go the opposite way. Stay up all night, take a nap at 3, last until midnight, and that'll get me back on track. This could do bodily harm. Maybe I'll just go to bed when I finish this.
I've hit my phase where I deny myself rewards or anything good. Just walking away. It's just a big give up. I want to give up. I want to curl up into a ball and just be.
I took a picture of my walk at night. Got a good picture of the street being empty. I'll upload them soon enough.
You know the ligament between your pinkie nuckle and your ring finger knuckle? Yea, I think I messed it up on my right hand. A while back I punched the floor, but I didn't hit it evenly. My pinkie knuckle was jammed backwards and it hurt like hell. I could still move it, so I didn't think it was too serious. Well, I punched something today, and I think I reinjured it. I can still move my finger, but it's a bit swollen. A very dull pain, but nothing I can't live with. I figure I'll just see what happens in the morning. Or afternoon. Whenever I wake up.
And, to take a page from another's book...
A Perfect Circle - Magdalena
(I'm sure the lyrics can be easily found.)
So, my parents are going to be here at noon, and I've decided to stay up all night. Or as long as I can. It might be easier for me to adjust if I just go the opposite way. Stay up all night, take a nap at 3, last until midnight, and that'll get me back on track. This could do bodily harm. Maybe I'll just go to bed when I finish this.
I've hit my phase where I deny myself rewards or anything good. Just walking away. It's just a big give up. I want to give up. I want to curl up into a ball and just be.
I took a picture of my walk at night. Got a good picture of the street being empty. I'll upload them soon enough.
You know the ligament between your pinkie nuckle and your ring finger knuckle? Yea, I think I messed it up on my right hand. A while back I punched the floor, but I didn't hit it evenly. My pinkie knuckle was jammed backwards and it hurt like hell. I could still move it, so I didn't think it was too serious. Well, I punched something today, and I think I reinjured it. I can still move my finger, but it's a bit swollen. A very dull pain, but nothing I can't live with. I figure I'll just see what happens in the morning. Or afternoon. Whenever I wake up.
And, to take a page from another's book...
A Perfect Circle - Magdalena
(I'm sure the lyrics can be easily found.)
Thursday, January 13
314 - Hate
I've been to Hell and back. And it is better known as San Antonio.
I've been to the Riverwalk. Overrated.
I've seen the Spurs play. Overrated.
I hate the city, and their basketball team. PTI tackled the issued of Tony Parker dating Eva Longoria today. Tony Kornheiser said it best. "Can't she do better?!"
But I want to be clear. I don't hate the people of San Antonio. I don't know 99% of them. They could be bastards. They could be saints.
Either way, the Mavs play the Spurs on Friday on national broadcast. Yea, the Mavs just got their faces shot out by Houston, but it's time to rebound. I hope they kill the Spurs. I hope Eva breaks up with Parker and hooks up with Dirk. Yea, wishful thinking. It'd be great, and you'd never see me without a smile.
There are few times when I wish bad things on someone or some group. But the Spurs, well, I want to see them fail.
And if you're offended, that's fine with me. I'm going to step on some toes with my words, and I don't mind doing so.
I've been to the Riverwalk. Overrated.
I've seen the Spurs play. Overrated.
I hate the city, and their basketball team. PTI tackled the issued of Tony Parker dating Eva Longoria today. Tony Kornheiser said it best. "Can't she do better?!"
But I want to be clear. I don't hate the people of San Antonio. I don't know 99% of them. They could be bastards. They could be saints.
Either way, the Mavs play the Spurs on Friday on national broadcast. Yea, the Mavs just got their faces shot out by Houston, but it's time to rebound. I hope they kill the Spurs. I hope Eva breaks up with Parker and hooks up with Dirk. Yea, wishful thinking. It'd be great, and you'd never see me without a smile.
There are few times when I wish bad things on someone or some group. But the Spurs, well, I want to see them fail.
And if you're offended, that's fine with me. I'm going to step on some toes with my words, and I don't mind doing so.
313 - Plans
I just read that the feature song in the upcoming movie Constantine is going to be A Perfect Circle's Passive. I love this song. I've seen the trailer for the movie, and I want to see it when it comes out Feb. 18th. What a combination!
I think I'll get my hair trimmed when my parents come down this weekend. I'll probably try to talk my dad into getting a shave there. I don't think he's ever felt a straight razor. And these guys are good. I want to learn how to use one. But I have a fear of sharp objects, so I don't know. I hate being around kitchen knives and such. I just feel like my hand would slip or something. It has nothing to do with pain or bleeding. I just don't like sharp objects.
I went to bed at 6 in the morning yesterday. I woke up at noon. Really weird, because I figured I would have needed a nap or something, but I didn't. Andright now, I feel wide awake. I need to fix my sleep cycle before classes start. Oh, I'm happy that I don't have anything before 10. And nothing later than 2. I can wake up at 8, be back home by 3. That's in time to relax, take a nap, watch my sports shows, and still have over 6 hours to do homework.
I guess I'm not the average college student. I don't drink. I don't pull all-nighters. I try to get 8 hours of sleep. I don't cram. I don't drink energy drinks. Well, at least not anymore. I found this one called Body Slam and it was crazy. It tasted like cherry syrup. It has a picture of a devil on the front of the label. I also tried this one called Mr. Bones, I think. It had a picture of a cartoon skeleton holding sticks of dynamite in each hand. Had an ok taste. I don't like Red Bull. I hate those Starbucks Doubleshots or whatever they're called. Those are nasty. I'd much rather have a Frap.
My bro rearranged the furniture in the living room. I take that as a sign that we are just going to extend the lease on our current place. I'm fine with that. I have my routine and I know the area well. I'll probably rearrange my room. All two pieces.
You know, I should work on fixing up my room. I should turn it into 'the room' in this place. Get some black and white photos on the wall, get some bar stools and a bar table, like they have at Eurway, and I should clean out my closet. Get some new curtains too. I could really use a bookshelf, even though I don't like books.
Either way, I have plans, and that's a start. Now I plan to try to sleep. Gonna wake up at noon, or possibly 11:30.
I think I'll get my hair trimmed when my parents come down this weekend. I'll probably try to talk my dad into getting a shave there. I don't think he's ever felt a straight razor. And these guys are good. I want to learn how to use one. But I have a fear of sharp objects, so I don't know. I hate being around kitchen knives and such. I just feel like my hand would slip or something. It has nothing to do with pain or bleeding. I just don't like sharp objects.
I went to bed at 6 in the morning yesterday. I woke up at noon. Really weird, because I figured I would have needed a nap or something, but I didn't. Andright now, I feel wide awake. I need to fix my sleep cycle before classes start. Oh, I'm happy that I don't have anything before 10. And nothing later than 2. I can wake up at 8, be back home by 3. That's in time to relax, take a nap, watch my sports shows, and still have over 6 hours to do homework.
I guess I'm not the average college student. I don't drink. I don't pull all-nighters. I try to get 8 hours of sleep. I don't cram. I don't drink energy drinks. Well, at least not anymore. I found this one called Body Slam and it was crazy. It tasted like cherry syrup. It has a picture of a devil on the front of the label. I also tried this one called Mr. Bones, I think. It had a picture of a cartoon skeleton holding sticks of dynamite in each hand. Had an ok taste. I don't like Red Bull. I hate those Starbucks Doubleshots or whatever they're called. Those are nasty. I'd much rather have a Frap.
My bro rearranged the furniture in the living room. I take that as a sign that we are just going to extend the lease on our current place. I'm fine with that. I have my routine and I know the area well. I'll probably rearrange my room. All two pieces.
You know, I should work on fixing up my room. I should turn it into 'the room' in this place. Get some black and white photos on the wall, get some bar stools and a bar table, like they have at Eurway, and I should clean out my closet. Get some new curtains too. I could really use a bookshelf, even though I don't like books.
Either way, I have plans, and that's a start. Now I plan to try to sleep. Gonna wake up at noon, or possibly 11:30.
Wednesday, January 12
312 - Yummy
It rained today, and there's supposed to be a cold front coming through about...right now. I'm happy. It's what I need. I'm just not suited for high temperatures. And yes, I'm reporting live from Austin, Texas.
So, I watched the ball game on ESPN. The one game we get to see and they lose. Sure, I got to watch T-Mac have a great game, but I also wanted the Mavs to win. Oh, I can't wait until I play this semester. I'm gonna hit Gregory Gym as often as I can.
I want to go shopping for clothes. I need to get a hair trim. I should stock up on my hair stuff. This semester is right around the corner, and I need to get prepared. I want to look my best. I want to feel my best.
I find that when a guy describes some specific food as 'orgasmic,' people think of American Pie. When a chic describes something as 'orgasmic,' people think of When Harry Met Sally. Here's an easy question.
Which is hotter?
So, to all of you out there, what food is 'orgasmic' for you? What would you do for it?
{Editor's Note: Yes, FBombAndy used the word 'orgasmic' three times. He thinks it's just a really fun word.}
So, I watched the ball game on ESPN. The one game we get to see and they lose. Sure, I got to watch T-Mac have a great game, but I also wanted the Mavs to win. Oh, I can't wait until I play this semester. I'm gonna hit Gregory Gym as often as I can.
I want to go shopping for clothes. I need to get a hair trim. I should stock up on my hair stuff. This semester is right around the corner, and I need to get prepared. I want to look my best. I want to feel my best.
I find that when a guy describes some specific food as 'orgasmic,' people think of American Pie. When a chic describes something as 'orgasmic,' people think of When Harry Met Sally. Here's an easy question.
Which is hotter?
So, to all of you out there, what food is 'orgasmic' for you? What would you do for it?
{Editor's Note: Yes, FBombAndy used the word 'orgasmic' three times. He thinks it's just a really fun word.}
311 - Flattery
"Double 16 without a blink!"
I'm watching the UK Open 2004 (darts) because it's on. The announcers are hilarious and extremely enthusiastic with every statement. When someone hits triple 20, they practically yell and say nonsense. When referring to a canadian guy who was 5 legs behind, one announcer said, "He's so far behind! He's halfway to Manitoba!" And when they get 180, the crowd goes crazy. It's great. "I don't believe it! He's flying! He's the dutchman!" Scholten won. Wow.
I'm also watching this because one of my fellow bloggers mentions darts every now and then. She totally flattered me tonight, and I am compelled to try my best to return the favor.
There are about 4 blogs I check a bajillion times everyday. I look forward to each author's post that much. She writes one of them. She has a link to the right under 'my links.' Her name takes the form of one letter in this online world. And it works. Her name is J. Her stories are interesting. She can find humor in the most odd situations. And the similarities between her and I make me feel less alone. Especially the part about random strangers revealing intimate details of their life. Although I have to say that is how I met most of my friends. Apparently, I am a person who can be easily talked to. I'm approachable (?) or something. And we both seem to be impatient. We're both looking for the same thing.
You should check out her blog.
I'm watching the UK Open 2004 (darts) because it's on. The announcers are hilarious and extremely enthusiastic with every statement. When someone hits triple 20, they practically yell and say nonsense. When referring to a canadian guy who was 5 legs behind, one announcer said, "He's so far behind! He's halfway to Manitoba!" And when they get 180, the crowd goes crazy. It's great. "I don't believe it! He's flying! He's the dutchman!" Scholten won. Wow.
I'm also watching this because one of my fellow bloggers mentions darts every now and then. She totally flattered me tonight, and I am compelled to try my best to return the favor.
There are about 4 blogs I check a bajillion times everyday. I look forward to each author's post that much. She writes one of them. She has a link to the right under 'my links.' Her name takes the form of one letter in this online world. And it works. Her name is J. Her stories are interesting. She can find humor in the most odd situations. And the similarities between her and I make me feel less alone. Especially the part about random strangers revealing intimate details of their life. Although I have to say that is how I met most of my friends. Apparently, I am a person who can be easily talked to. I'm approachable (?) or something. And we both seem to be impatient. We're both looking for the same thing.
You should check out her blog.
310 - Perspective
This post may be long. But I am writing this for someone. And when I do anything for someone, I put everything into it.
Everyone says that relationships are better and longer-lasting if they are built on a solid friendship. There is some truth to this. If you can be friends with someone for a year, you can probably date them. If you can date someone for a year, you can think about living with them. And if you can live with them for an extended amount of time, you can marry them. Not that I'm suggesting marriage is the only result of this type of experiment. I'm just taking this view based on the experiences of those around me.
A big problem that occurs very frequently takes place in the progression from friendship to 'more than friends.' Someone has to step up and say what they feel. And more often than not, the guy must take the first step.
From my own experience, this can be extremely difficult. This past semester, I ran into this problem. I knew what I felt, and I knew what I wanted. I didn't know what she wanted, or how she felt. So I needed to ask. But I just couldn't build enough courage to go through with the question.
I've done it before though, asking the all-important question. I remember the outcome. It wasn't the happy ending I was hoping for. And because of that one instance, I can't let go of my pessimism. I can't look at the positive possibility.
Even if the guy never expresses his feelings, it can still be a disaster for him. In my case, I'll probably see her this semester. And every time I look at her, a piece of me will die. I will see perfection, and it will be out of my grasp. She'll see me, and never know what's going on inside of me.
But when I told her "I'll be there for you," I meant it. It's the best thing I can offer. It's the only thing I can offer.
I don't know what I can really say. If I express my interest, and she in turn says that I must remain her best friend, I have to be happy with that because it will make her happy. And that is my goal. That is what my feelings suggest I do.
Conclusion
Ladies, if you turn down a guy, do not feel guilty. Do not feel depressed or anything of that sort. Your love is worth so much that many guys will desire it. And you will have to keep some of them as friends. In the end, it will be better that way.
(Note: When I think about contacting someone from my past, I just remind myself that I'll have to start the healing process all over again. And so, I haven't called anyone from my past.)
This post is definitely going under 'important posts.' Everything here is my truth.
Note: If you want an answer and wish to remain anonymous, please use my email. I will keep all things confidential. If you'd like something more personal than a post for everyone to see, I'm more than willing to email my answer back to you.
Everyone says that relationships are better and longer-lasting if they are built on a solid friendship. There is some truth to this. If you can be friends with someone for a year, you can probably date them. If you can date someone for a year, you can think about living with them. And if you can live with them for an extended amount of time, you can marry them. Not that I'm suggesting marriage is the only result of this type of experiment. I'm just taking this view based on the experiences of those around me.
A big problem that occurs very frequently takes place in the progression from friendship to 'more than friends.' Someone has to step up and say what they feel. And more often than not, the guy must take the first step.
From my own experience, this can be extremely difficult. This past semester, I ran into this problem. I knew what I felt, and I knew what I wanted. I didn't know what she wanted, or how she felt. So I needed to ask. But I just couldn't build enough courage to go through with the question.
I've done it before though, asking the all-important question. I remember the outcome. It wasn't the happy ending I was hoping for. And because of that one instance, I can't let go of my pessimism. I can't look at the positive possibility.
Even if the guy never expresses his feelings, it can still be a disaster for him. In my case, I'll probably see her this semester. And every time I look at her, a piece of me will die. I will see perfection, and it will be out of my grasp. She'll see me, and never know what's going on inside of me.
But when I told her "I'll be there for you," I meant it. It's the best thing I can offer. It's the only thing I can offer.
I don't know what I can really say. If I express my interest, and she in turn says that I must remain her best friend, I have to be happy with that because it will make her happy. And that is my goal. That is what my feelings suggest I do.
Conclusion
Ladies, if you turn down a guy, do not feel guilty. Do not feel depressed or anything of that sort. Your love is worth so much that many guys will desire it. And you will have to keep some of them as friends. In the end, it will be better that way.
(Note: When I think about contacting someone from my past, I just remind myself that I'll have to start the healing process all over again. And so, I haven't called anyone from my past.)
This post is definitely going under 'important posts.' Everything here is my truth.
Note: If you want an answer and wish to remain anonymous, please use my email. I will keep all things confidential. If you'd like something more personal than a post for everyone to see, I'm more than willing to email my answer back to you.
Tuesday, January 11
309 - Posts
Sometimes I get these little thoughts I want to post. But then the post will be a whole ten words. Not worthy by far. So I don't know what to do. Should I just not number those posts and number the ones I feel are long enough, or should I make every post, no matter how short, count?
Either way, what I wanted to say is that I saw the new iPod Shuffle thing. 512MB for digital music. About the size of a pack of gum. I think I may order one tomorrow. Or, if Target has them already, I'll buy one there. I need a new mp3 player. The one I have now is only 64MB, and I've had it for about 2 years.
I also want to upgrade my computer. I want a new case since I broke the one I have now. I got mad about something, I can't remember what exactly, but I punched the front door of the case. It broke. So now I want to get a new case. Maybe a new video card, better processor, such. But, based on the things I've refused in the past, I doubt I'll reward myself.
I like my computer too. It's the second computer I've ever built. The first one was for Erik. It was pretty good. But then his video card blew up (not literally) and he gave it to his brother. I plan on building one for my bro this month too. Nothing too fancy, just something to mess with.
I also want a scanner. I have pictures that I'd like to upload and stuff. Eh, maybe some old drawings. Oh, the things stick figures can do!
I feel that lately I've been writing nonsense. Gibberish. Yes, this is my blog, and I'm free to talk about myself or things that are important to me. But I also feel that I have a sense of duty to fulfill. Or something. Much like the questions game I did way back when, I'm willing to accept topics. When I first started blogging, my friend Anh helped me think of some great topics. Mostly relationship stuff, and posts that give insight to how a guy's mind works. Ok, maybe not all guys, but at least how mine works.
So, anything you want me to write about. Any advice you want. Something to make you laugh. I can do it all. Just say when.
(By the way, new rumors have it that Angelina Jolie is behind Brad and Jen's breakup. Will Jen hook up with Billy Bob? Wouldn't that be a twist?)
{Editor's Note: FBombAndy is sorry for letting the nerd in him poke out. This blog is not for computer talk.}
Either way, what I wanted to say is that I saw the new iPod Shuffle thing. 512MB for digital music. About the size of a pack of gum. I think I may order one tomorrow. Or, if Target has them already, I'll buy one there. I need a new mp3 player. The one I have now is only 64MB, and I've had it for about 2 years.
I also want to upgrade my computer. I want a new case since I broke the one I have now. I got mad about something, I can't remember what exactly, but I punched the front door of the case. It broke. So now I want to get a new case. Maybe a new video card, better processor, such. But, based on the things I've refused in the past, I doubt I'll reward myself.
I like my computer too. It's the second computer I've ever built. The first one was for Erik. It was pretty good. But then his video card blew up (not literally) and he gave it to his brother. I plan on building one for my bro this month too. Nothing too fancy, just something to mess with.
I also want a scanner. I have pictures that I'd like to upload and stuff. Eh, maybe some old drawings. Oh, the things stick figures can do!
I feel that lately I've been writing nonsense. Gibberish. Yes, this is my blog, and I'm free to talk about myself or things that are important to me. But I also feel that I have a sense of duty to fulfill. Or something. Much like the questions game I did way back when, I'm willing to accept topics. When I first started blogging, my friend Anh helped me think of some great topics. Mostly relationship stuff, and posts that give insight to how a guy's mind works. Ok, maybe not all guys, but at least how mine works.
So, anything you want me to write about. Any advice you want. Something to make you laugh. I can do it all. Just say when.
(By the way, new rumors have it that Angelina Jolie is behind Brad and Jen's breakup. Will Jen hook up with Billy Bob? Wouldn't that be a twist?)
{Editor's Note: FBombAndy is sorry for letting the nerd in him poke out. This blog is not for computer talk.}
308 - Surprisingly
So, in my dream last night, the girl I ended things with 4 years ago, almost to the day, showed up in my dreams. It was really scary at first.
I was at some pizza buffet place. Even in my dreams, I'm eating pizza. I love pizza. Either way, I sat down next to a friend. I was talking to her when she pointed to the person sitting on the other side of me. I looked at her, and she stood up. She mentioned something about how I wouldn't recognize her. But when the light hit her face, I knew it was her. I don't remember if she left, or if I left. I just remember that she had an evil look on her. And she did look different.
So, in other news...
Oh, the things I see! So many things are clear to me, but they are not visible at all. Earlier today when I was walking back to the apartment, I saw what I wanted. Or I saw the truth. I'm not sure.
Had a Milky Way not too long ago. Dinner mostly consisted of junk food. Was great. As far as sickness goes, I'm almost 100%. I'd be up for some basketball this weekend or sooner.
Speaking of which, my parents are coming down this weekend. Both of them. My bro and I discussed what we could do to annoy my dad. We figure it might be fun to put rocks in the dryer right before they go to bed. Could be funny. But then again, sometimes my dad is real moody, and he might get mad. Maybe I won't do anything. I don't know yet. Depends.
I was at some pizza buffet place. Even in my dreams, I'm eating pizza. I love pizza. Either way, I sat down next to a friend. I was talking to her when she pointed to the person sitting on the other side of me. I looked at her, and she stood up. She mentioned something about how I wouldn't recognize her. But when the light hit her face, I knew it was her. I don't remember if she left, or if I left. I just remember that she had an evil look on her. And she did look different.
So, in other news...
Oh, the things I see! So many things are clear to me, but they are not visible at all. Earlier today when I was walking back to the apartment, I saw what I wanted. Or I saw the truth. I'm not sure.
Had a Milky Way not too long ago. Dinner mostly consisted of junk food. Was great. As far as sickness goes, I'm almost 100%. I'd be up for some basketball this weekend or sooner.
Speaking of which, my parents are coming down this weekend. Both of them. My bro and I discussed what we could do to annoy my dad. We figure it might be fun to put rocks in the dryer right before they go to bed. Could be funny. But then again, sometimes my dad is real moody, and he might get mad. Maybe I won't do anything. I don't know yet. Depends.
307 - Schedule
I messed with my schedule today. I'll remind you all that I was considering changing my spanish lab time. But I won't say if I did or not. The reason I was considering changing it was because there's someone in the 10 - 11 section with whom things might be awkward if my previous guesses were accurate. And if she reads this blog and wants to know if I'll be in there, she'll just have to ask. Or wait until next friday. And if she doesn't read this, things aren't awkward. At least not until then.
Here's the deal. If you keep in contact with me, nothing I do will surprise you. If you talk to me once a week, you'll never see me change. But if you don't talk to me for an extended period of time (like christmas break), things are going to be totally different.
The first time this happened, I was a junior in high school. (Speaking of which, in the next post I'm going to discuss her random presence in my dream last night. Totally freaked me out.) No conversations over christmas break. So, here's how it was. Before: Totally perfect, I would do anything, and they knew it. They loved it. After: I didn't want any of it, and I ended it.
She hasn't talked to me in quite some time. She might see a change. If when I walk through that door, she has that smile on her face, I will be perfect to (not for) her. Otherwise, I'll go about my business and leave.
I know what's wrong with me. I want people to miss me when I'm gone for a month. I want people to be excited when I show up. It gives me that feeling of value. A feeling I need more everyday.
Just now thinking about it. "When is my birthday? What high school did I go to? What's my talent?" I could ask her these simple questions, and I don't believe that she would have any of the answers. But if she asked me those questions regarding her, I wouldn't hesitate to answer any of them.
This makes me believe that the word 'friend' is not a 2-way thing. Someone may consider me their friend, but I might not consider them a friend. Does it mean they're wrong? I don't think so. One definition is "a person you know well and regard with affection and trust." It doesn't say "a person you know well and regard with affection and trust, and feels the same way towards you."
Here's the deal. If you keep in contact with me, nothing I do will surprise you. If you talk to me once a week, you'll never see me change. But if you don't talk to me for an extended period of time (like christmas break), things are going to be totally different.
The first time this happened, I was a junior in high school. (Speaking of which, in the next post I'm going to discuss her random presence in my dream last night. Totally freaked me out.) No conversations over christmas break. So, here's how it was. Before: Totally perfect, I would do anything, and they knew it. They loved it. After: I didn't want any of it, and I ended it.
She hasn't talked to me in quite some time. She might see a change. If when I walk through that door, she has that smile on her face, I will be perfect to (not for) her. Otherwise, I'll go about my business and leave.
I know what's wrong with me. I want people to miss me when I'm gone for a month. I want people to be excited when I show up. It gives me that feeling of value. A feeling I need more everyday.
Just now thinking about it. "When is my birthday? What high school did I go to? What's my talent?" I could ask her these simple questions, and I don't believe that she would have any of the answers. But if she asked me those questions regarding her, I wouldn't hesitate to answer any of them.
This makes me believe that the word 'friend' is not a 2-way thing. Someone may consider me their friend, but I might not consider them a friend. Does it mean they're wrong? I don't think so. One definition is "a person you know well and regard with affection and trust." It doesn't say "a person you know well and regard with affection and trust, and feels the same way towards you."
Monday, January 10
306 - Energy
That's right. The time is right. It's 5AM.
I'm awake because I ate a king size Reese's Fastbreak and a roll of Necco wafers about 2 hours ago. I'm full of sugar, so I'm a bit hyper.
Which is interesting because anything with caffiene puts me to sleep. Isn't that weird? Isn't caffiene supposed to keep you from sleeping? I'm not kidding either. It really knocks me out. When I drink a cup of coffee, I'm out in an hour.
My senior year in high school, back when I could drink, I would mix some Bailey's Irish Creme into my vanilla Frappucino. I'd make this drink before school. I'd drink it before school. Then, my good buddy CT would bring his flask full of amaretto to physics. I'd mix my portion with orange juice. It's called a Boccie Ball if I remember correctly. He and Brandon would mix theirs with apple juice. One time our physics teacher, Mr. H, caught us. He laughed about it, told us not to do it anywhere else and to not let anyone else in the class know. Great stuff. Great teacher. This was AP Physics.
When I took Physics I with him the year before, he would let me sleep in class. I was the only one who could not pay attention and get A's on the tests. I was free to do whatever so long as I didn't disturb anyone. That was a fun year. I remember that there was one chic in there who always wanted to sit on my lap and such. But because I was extremely shy back then, and somewhat involved with someone, I would always refuse. She was attractive too. Oh well. I don't regret anything there.
Either way, I should try to lay down or something. Supposed to look at more apartments in the afternoon. That means I gotta wake up. That sucks.
I'm awake because I ate a king size Reese's Fastbreak and a roll of Necco wafers about 2 hours ago. I'm full of sugar, so I'm a bit hyper.
Which is interesting because anything with caffiene puts me to sleep. Isn't that weird? Isn't caffiene supposed to keep you from sleeping? I'm not kidding either. It really knocks me out. When I drink a cup of coffee, I'm out in an hour.
My senior year in high school, back when I could drink, I would mix some Bailey's Irish Creme into my vanilla Frappucino. I'd make this drink before school. I'd drink it before school. Then, my good buddy CT would bring his flask full of amaretto to physics. I'd mix my portion with orange juice. It's called a Boccie Ball if I remember correctly. He and Brandon would mix theirs with apple juice. One time our physics teacher, Mr. H, caught us. He laughed about it, told us not to do it anywhere else and to not let anyone else in the class know. Great stuff. Great teacher. This was AP Physics.
When I took Physics I with him the year before, he would let me sleep in class. I was the only one who could not pay attention and get A's on the tests. I was free to do whatever so long as I didn't disturb anyone. That was a fun year. I remember that there was one chic in there who always wanted to sit on my lap and such. But because I was extremely shy back then, and somewhat involved with someone, I would always refuse. She was attractive too. Oh well. I don't regret anything there.
Either way, I should try to lay down or something. Supposed to look at more apartments in the afternoon. That means I gotta wake up. That sucks.
Sunday, January 9
305 - Pictures
Back in the day, I could draw really well. Even from memory. Whatever cartoon I watched back then, I could draw the main character flawlessly. Most of the time through elementary and middle school, I would be drawing. During class. That's how I was introduced to the advanced program, or as it was known in the MISD, the "Gifted and Talented" program.
I would spend most of class time drawing various people. Or scenes. The teachers picked up on it, but they couldn't give any reason for me to quit since I was doing well on any tests. They assumed that I was bored in class. So they sent a letter to my parents, and they had to contact a counselor or someone. I don't remember too well.
The counselor, or whomever, suggested that I be placed in the GT program. The classes would be more difficult and move at a faster pace. So my parents agreed. I don't remember having much say in the matter.
The GT classes consisted of the 4 fundamental classes. History, English, Math, Science. I stuck with all 4 up until 8th grade. That year, I was kicked out of GT English. I got kicked out because I didn't want to do any of the assignments, and I didn't read the books. I wanted out. And it was better that way.
I wrote a play or two in high school. Plays that shouldn't be acted out in front of children, if you catch my drift. They were hilarious though. I showed them to some of my friends, and they enjoyed them. (Oh, that reminds me, I need to find the original copies. My parents might have found them. That wouldn't be cool.)
Either way, I mentioned drawing because just 20 minutes ago, I tried to draw.
I tried to draw anything that came to mind. Nothing.
I tried to draw any cartoon character. Nothing.
I tried to draw her. Nothing.
And now I realize that I'm losing talent. I've lost something that lets me express what I've felt. I'm not good at writing plays anymore, at least not as good and creative as I was. I don't know what's happening. I want it back. All of it.
I would spend most of class time drawing various people. Or scenes. The teachers picked up on it, but they couldn't give any reason for me to quit since I was doing well on any tests. They assumed that I was bored in class. So they sent a letter to my parents, and they had to contact a counselor or someone. I don't remember too well.
The counselor, or whomever, suggested that I be placed in the GT program. The classes would be more difficult and move at a faster pace. So my parents agreed. I don't remember having much say in the matter.
The GT classes consisted of the 4 fundamental classes. History, English, Math, Science. I stuck with all 4 up until 8th grade. That year, I was kicked out of GT English. I got kicked out because I didn't want to do any of the assignments, and I didn't read the books. I wanted out. And it was better that way.
I wrote a play or two in high school. Plays that shouldn't be acted out in front of children, if you catch my drift. They were hilarious though. I showed them to some of my friends, and they enjoyed them. (Oh, that reminds me, I need to find the original copies. My parents might have found them. That wouldn't be cool.)
Either way, I mentioned drawing because just 20 minutes ago, I tried to draw.
I tried to draw anything that came to mind. Nothing.
I tried to draw any cartoon character. Nothing.
I tried to draw her. Nothing.
And now I realize that I'm losing talent. I've lost something that lets me express what I've felt. I'm not good at writing plays anymore, at least not as good and creative as I was. I don't know what's happening. I want it back. All of it.
Saturday, January 8
304 - Briefly
I could have been wrong. And that's all I'll say about that.
I'm starting to get over whatever sickness I caught. I figure I should be fine in two or three days. That makes me happy.
I forgot what I dreamt about last night. It must not have been anything special. I woke up at 9:30, but then I realized that there's no point in getting up. So I went back to sleep. Until 1. Felt good.
Watched the football games today. Both were close, but the more interesting games are ahead.
I'm sorry. I just can't get a full thought out tonight. I'll try harder in a bit.
I'm starting to get over whatever sickness I caught. I figure I should be fine in two or three days. That makes me happy.
I forgot what I dreamt about last night. It must not have been anything special. I woke up at 9:30, but then I realized that there's no point in getting up. So I went back to sleep. Until 1. Felt good.
Watched the football games today. Both were close, but the more interesting games are ahead.
I'm sorry. I just can't get a full thought out tonight. I'll try harder in a bit.
303 - Insight
Once again, I'm going to write everything that is going through my mind. I am going to edit it though. I don't want to release too many details.
"There's people that deserve words from me. Words I know I should say, but I don't know how. So much of today's communication is not face to face. How can one really accept an apology without seeing the other's face? These words. How can one express any feeling if there is no inflection in the voice to hear? What I'm typing now can be interpreted in so many ways. I could be sad, confused, or possibly angry, but there's no hidden help within these pixels. There's no way to tell whether I'm being sarcastic or sincere."
Meh. I'm not in a thinking mood right now.
Once again, I feel like going for a long walk. It's about 42 degrees outside. The pavement isn't dry. Most everyone should be asleep. Sometimes I wish I could walk down a street at night without seeing any cars. Nothing but road. And street lights.
In my dream last night, I was playing basketball with my bro and my dad. It was a little cold outside, but I wanted to play so much that I didn't care. I haven't played since November or so. I haven't played ball with my dad since April.
I don't want to think anymore. I just want to dream right now.
"There's people that deserve words from me. Words I know I should say, but I don't know how. So much of today's communication is not face to face. How can one really accept an apology without seeing the other's face? These words. How can one express any feeling if there is no inflection in the voice to hear? What I'm typing now can be interpreted in so many ways. I could be sad, confused, or possibly angry, but there's no hidden help within these pixels. There's no way to tell whether I'm being sarcastic or sincere."
Meh. I'm not in a thinking mood right now.
Once again, I feel like going for a long walk. It's about 42 degrees outside. The pavement isn't dry. Most everyone should be asleep. Sometimes I wish I could walk down a street at night without seeing any cars. Nothing but road. And street lights.
In my dream last night, I was playing basketball with my bro and my dad. It was a little cold outside, but I wanted to play so much that I didn't care. I haven't played since November or so. I haven't played ball with my dad since April.
I don't want to think anymore. I just want to dream right now.
Friday, January 7
302 - Sports
Watching the Houston - LA game. Houston keeps cutting the lead, but then the Lakers knock down some shots. Kind of sucks. Oh well.
Slept until 2 today. I totally didn't feel good last night. I feel better today though. I still have a sore throat, but that's nothing. As I told my bro today, if I was invited to play basketball, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Now, when I'm so sick that I have to stay in bed, that's when I get frustrated.
I can't believe that Seal is engaged to Heidi Klum.
On the bright side, Jennifer Aniston is now single.
They're showing the ol' Cowboy - 49er NFC Championship game on ESPN2. 1992 I believe.
Gonna take a break. Writing more later.
Slept until 2 today. I totally didn't feel good last night. I feel better today though. I still have a sore throat, but that's nothing. As I told my bro today, if I was invited to play basketball, I'd be there in a heartbeat. Now, when I'm so sick that I have to stay in bed, that's when I get frustrated.
I can't believe that Seal is engaged to Heidi Klum.
On the bright side, Jennifer Aniston is now single.
They're showing the ol' Cowboy - 49er NFC Championship game on ESPN2. 1992 I believe.
Gonna take a break. Writing more later.
301 - Reflection
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt (Or the cover by Johnny Cash)
I don't like to look back at my past. I sometimes can't turn away once I start reflecting. But the words of an old friend, and a story from high school, made me look back at my senior book.
I left many pages blank. I don't have a ton of pictures in it. I didn't write that much. I let my friends write most of the stuff in there.
I also have a folder full of notes. You know, the notes that you pass back and forth with chics. I looked through those as well.
Samples:
"...I will remember you and your funny, sarcastic, and cynical nature."
"You're so different from everyone, and that's what makes you so cool."
"You amaze me everyday with your sincerity and kindness."
"You are such a cool guy and you get along with everyone."
"You have always been there when I needed you."
"You made this year worthwhile."
There's a ton of those 'don't change for anyone' type messages.
And here I am isolating myself from friends here in Austin. Wanting to get away because I feel ignored. It's wrong of me. Even if I'm being ignored, that shouldn't change how I treat someone. Even if I can't have someone, that shouldn't change how I treat them. If I can make someone smile, I should do everything to make it happen.
I suck at initiating anything. I suck at apologizing. More flaws to fix.
I don't like to look back at my past. I sometimes can't turn away once I start reflecting. But the words of an old friend, and a story from high school, made me look back at my senior book.
I left many pages blank. I don't have a ton of pictures in it. I didn't write that much. I let my friends write most of the stuff in there.
I also have a folder full of notes. You know, the notes that you pass back and forth with chics. I looked through those as well.
Samples:
"...I will remember you and your funny, sarcastic, and cynical nature."
"You're so different from everyone, and that's what makes you so cool."
"You amaze me everyday with your sincerity and kindness."
"You are such a cool guy and you get along with everyone."
"You have always been there when I needed you."
"You made this year worthwhile."
There's a ton of those 'don't change for anyone' type messages.
And here I am isolating myself from friends here in Austin. Wanting to get away because I feel ignored. It's wrong of me. Even if I'm being ignored, that shouldn't change how I treat someone. Even if I can't have someone, that shouldn't change how I treat them. If I can make someone smile, I should do everything to make it happen.
I suck at initiating anything. I suck at apologizing. More flaws to fix.
Thursday, January 6
300 - Cold
Well, I think I'm getting sick. My bro and his woman were sick all this week, and apparently they can't keep it between them. It's easy. Don't cough and sneeze without covering your mouth. Manners that should have been learned in elementary school. So, I've decided to take medication I normally take. Some decongestant crap, some halls, and some prescribed antibiotics. When I get sick, I always get antibiotics from the doctor. I'm beating them to the punch. I've done it before. No harm done. If I kill it early, I won't get frustrated.
300. Not bad.
It's supposed to rain tomorrow afternoon. Then 5 days of warm weather. Totally sucks. Why does Texas have to suck like that? Cold in the winter, hot in the summer. It makes sense. But no, not in Texas. Very hot during the summer, and rarely cold during winter. So, when I'm done with everything in Texas, I'm outta here.
By the way, I was watching the Spurs game when one of the announcers said that Eva Longoria is dating Tony Parker. I've never heard more depressing news. And now I hate San Antonio that much more. Both the city and the basketball team.
I'm trying out that beta Spyware software from Microsoft. So far so good. Fixed more problems. I think my computer is back to normal.
Eh, I'll stop for now. I might write more later.
300. Not bad.
It's supposed to rain tomorrow afternoon. Then 5 days of warm weather. Totally sucks. Why does Texas have to suck like that? Cold in the winter, hot in the summer. It makes sense. But no, not in Texas. Very hot during the summer, and rarely cold during winter. So, when I'm done with everything in Texas, I'm outta here.
By the way, I was watching the Spurs game when one of the announcers said that Eva Longoria is dating Tony Parker. I've never heard more depressing news. And now I hate San Antonio that much more. Both the city and the basketball team.
I'm trying out that beta Spyware software from Microsoft. So far so good. Fixed more problems. I think my computer is back to normal.
Eh, I'll stop for now. I might write more later.
299 - Names
On my Facebook profile, I list some names I've been called. I think I should go over two of them.
The Devil
I almost persuaded a relatively innoncent girl to steal food from one of my friend's backpack. She almost did. Or she did. I don't remember. I do remember that I really wanted to see if she'd do it. And I also wanted to see how my friend would react when he realized he didn't have his daily granola bar.
I like being persuasive. I enjoy tempting people to do things they wouldn't normally think of. Feeling that you have influence over someone...it really does give a power trip and an ego boost. It's a great feeling.
The One
Three times. Once my junior year in high school, twice my senior year. I'm not with any of them right now, so I guess they were wrong. Or maybe I didn't let myself get attached to them. Eh, doesn't matter now.
Honestly, I end up walking away from a situation when I hear those two words. While I do want people to depend on me, I do not want to be the only person they depend on. Even when it comes to relationships. I have no problem saying "I love you." It turns out that I am a very loving person. Maybe too much. I do listen. And I learn what I can do to be better as a boyfriend or whatever. Maybe it's a commitment thing.
Then again, I was in high school. The thought of a chic having the idea that I am their permanent solution scared me back then. I didn't want to be one of those guys that gets married early. I wasn't ready to be serious. High school!
I'd like to think that if I had a relationship at the moment and she said, "You're the one," I would be welcome to it. But I don't know. I'm much more mature than I was in high school (not to toot my own horn.) I don't think I'm there yet.
Brandon has the right idea though. I should be single when I turn 21.
And I need to save money now for my trip to Vegas. Plane ticket, hotel reservation, and gambling money. Who knows, maybe someone out there would want to tag along. It is 8 months away. Oh, but it's close to when the fall semester starts. Damn. I didn't think about that. I should probably come up with another plan.
(Oh...6 new pictures up on my photoblog thing.)
The Devil
I almost persuaded a relatively innoncent girl to steal food from one of my friend's backpack. She almost did. Or she did. I don't remember. I do remember that I really wanted to see if she'd do it. And I also wanted to see how my friend would react when he realized he didn't have his daily granola bar.
I like being persuasive. I enjoy tempting people to do things they wouldn't normally think of. Feeling that you have influence over someone...it really does give a power trip and an ego boost. It's a great feeling.
The One
Three times. Once my junior year in high school, twice my senior year. I'm not with any of them right now, so I guess they were wrong. Or maybe I didn't let myself get attached to them. Eh, doesn't matter now.
Honestly, I end up walking away from a situation when I hear those two words. While I do want people to depend on me, I do not want to be the only person they depend on. Even when it comes to relationships. I have no problem saying "I love you." It turns out that I am a very loving person. Maybe too much. I do listen. And I learn what I can do to be better as a boyfriend or whatever. Maybe it's a commitment thing.
Then again, I was in high school. The thought of a chic having the idea that I am their permanent solution scared me back then. I didn't want to be one of those guys that gets married early. I wasn't ready to be serious. High school!
I'd like to think that if I had a relationship at the moment and she said, "You're the one," I would be welcome to it. But I don't know. I'm much more mature than I was in high school (not to toot my own horn.) I don't think I'm there yet.
Brandon has the right idea though. I should be single when I turn 21.
And I need to save money now for my trip to Vegas. Plane ticket, hotel reservation, and gambling money. Who knows, maybe someone out there would want to tag along. It is 8 months away. Oh, but it's close to when the fall semester starts. Damn. I didn't think about that. I should probably come up with another plan.
(Oh...6 new pictures up on my photoblog thing.)
Wednesday, January 5
298 - Television
So, it did get colder today. It was nothing but clouds up in the sky. Dark clouds. The road was wet, and the wind was pretty cold. It felt great. I feel like taking a very long walk.
12:30 again this afternoon. Didn't do much. Watched my sports shows. Oh, I, Max has moved to 5PM Central Time, so now all of my sports shows are back to back. So from 4 to 5:30, it's no use to try to contact me. Also watched That 70s Show, Quintuplets, West Wing, and I'll watch Alias later on. Had to record it because it came on at the same time as West Wing. All good episodes.
Also kept an eye on the Phoenix-Houston game. T-Mac wasn't on fire. It kind of sucked. I know that Dallas won, but we didn't get to watch it here because Austin people are assumed to be Spurs fans. I hate the Spurs.
It's still early. May play some NCAA 2005 or something. I might post again.
Scratch that. I will post again before I go to bed.
12:30 again this afternoon. Didn't do much. Watched my sports shows. Oh, I, Max has moved to 5PM Central Time, so now all of my sports shows are back to back. So from 4 to 5:30, it's no use to try to contact me. Also watched That 70s Show, Quintuplets, West Wing, and I'll watch Alias later on. Had to record it because it came on at the same time as West Wing. All good episodes.
Also kept an eye on the Phoenix-Houston game. T-Mac wasn't on fire. It kind of sucked. I know that Dallas won, but we didn't get to watch it here because Austin people are assumed to be Spurs fans. I hate the Spurs.
It's still early. May play some NCAA 2005 or something. I might post again.
Scratch that. I will post again before I go to bed.
Tuesday, January 4
297 - Patience
Today went rather well. I woke up at 12:30, which is the usual time. Sis-in-law worked tonight, so it was just the guys. So much better. We watched the big game, and damnit OU sucks. If you go back in time and look at this post, written exactly one year ago, you'll notice that I saw behind the facade. Jason White is nothing. Of the past four post-season 'big games,' he has won exactly one. He lost the Big XII championship last year, and the past two National Championship games. I don't know if he deserves credit for this year's Big XII championship since they were handed a crappy Colorado team. Meh...enough of that.
It's supposed to get colder tomorrow. Something about the highs being in the 50s. This makes me happy. Lately it's been rather warm. And it's January for crying out loud. It should be miserable. Oh well. Soon enough.
Still thinking about my schedule. I'm still thinking about changing my Spanish lab. I think I might be uncomfortable in that 10 - 11 time slot. Then again, I'm going to be uncomfortable in any lab. Especially ones where you have to do some workbook crap and the TAs in there hover all the time. They suck.
I want to take a Physics class. For my science sequence, all I have to take is PHY 315 and another upper-division class. PHY 315 is Wave and Optics. While I'm much better at the mechanical side, I think I can manage.
My first physics class, PHY 303K Engineering Physics I, was fun. I only went 5 times for the whole semester. Partly because I already knew the material, partly because the homework was completed online, but mostly because it was at 8 in the morning. I'm not a morning person. That's why this semester all of my classes are after 10AM. Plus, if we get the apartment I like, it really works in with the bus schedule. I can't wait.
Well, I can wait. I don't go back for another 2 weeks, and I should really relax. I enjoy staying up until 5, waking up after noon, and not doing a thing. It's great. But at the same time, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I should take up a brief hobby. Well, I guess this is a brief hobby.
I think I want more.
It's supposed to get colder tomorrow. Something about the highs being in the 50s. This makes me happy. Lately it's been rather warm. And it's January for crying out loud. It should be miserable. Oh well. Soon enough.
Still thinking about my schedule. I'm still thinking about changing my Spanish lab. I think I might be uncomfortable in that 10 - 11 time slot. Then again, I'm going to be uncomfortable in any lab. Especially ones where you have to do some workbook crap and the TAs in there hover all the time. They suck.
I want to take a Physics class. For my science sequence, all I have to take is PHY 315 and another upper-division class. PHY 315 is Wave and Optics. While I'm much better at the mechanical side, I think I can manage.
My first physics class, PHY 303K Engineering Physics I, was fun. I only went 5 times for the whole semester. Partly because I already knew the material, partly because the homework was completed online, but mostly because it was at 8 in the morning. I'm not a morning person. That's why this semester all of my classes are after 10AM. Plus, if we get the apartment I like, it really works in with the bus schedule. I can't wait.
Well, I can wait. I don't go back for another 2 weeks, and I should really relax. I enjoy staying up until 5, waking up after noon, and not doing a thing. It's great. But at the same time, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything. I should take up a brief hobby. Well, I guess this is a brief hobby.
I think I want more.
296 - Probing
So I'm taking these personality tests. The most recent one said that I'm a schizoid. Apparently, I am 'generally detached from social relationships, and show a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.' The average score for that type is 53%, and I had a score of 86%. Hmm...
Another told me that I have a martyr complex. Sounds right.
Took another, and my top five types were:
Helpfulness - 86%
(I must be helpful and caring to be happy.)
Detachment - 82%
(I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.)
Anxiety - 66%
(I must be secure and safe to be happy.)
Calmness - 62%
(I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.)
Perfectionism - 58%
(I must be perfect and good to be happy.)
Pretty accurate.
By the which, it's pretty cool what happens when you search for "FBombAndy" with MSN, Yahoo!, or Google. It makes me happy.
Another told me that I have a martyr complex. Sounds right.
Took another, and my top five types were:
Helpfulness - 86%
(I must be helpful and caring to be happy.)
Detachment - 82%
(I must be knowledgable and independent to be happy.)
Anxiety - 66%
(I must be secure and safe to be happy.)
Calmness - 62%
(I must be peaceful and easy to get along with to be happy.)
Perfectionism - 58%
(I must be perfect and good to be happy.)
Pretty accurate.
By the which, it's pretty cool what happens when you search for "FBombAndy" with MSN, Yahoo!, or Google. It makes me happy.
Monday, January 3
295 - Aspirations
My mom went back home today. My dad is back from El Paso. Don't know how long he'll be home. We're just waiting for the phone call.
I can't wait until we get out of South Austin. I want to be up north. I want to be in the fancy apartments. I don't want to be paranoid.
I'm still searching for each and every one of my flaws. I think I learned today that I expect too much from people. And to be honest, I don't expect much to begin with.
I realize now that all I want is validation. Acknowledgement. That poem I wrote...while my intention was to make another happy, I unknowingly wrote what I want as well.
Sometimes when I'm talking to people, I feel like I talk about myself too much. And anyone who has talked to me in person will probably say that's impossible. But, I could be right.
Sometimes I think about quitting everything and running away. Not running away like high school running away. More like leaving the country and not telling people where I am. I'd tell a select choice of people that 'I needed to be alone, and I'll be fine.' And not permanently. I'd come back a few years later. Maybe a decade. Something weird.
Either way, listen to Marvin Gaye's What's Going On. Good stuff.
(Promised I wouldn't post lyrics, but I'll still talk about songs.)
I can't wait until we get out of South Austin. I want to be up north. I want to be in the fancy apartments. I don't want to be paranoid.
I'm still searching for each and every one of my flaws. I think I learned today that I expect too much from people. And to be honest, I don't expect much to begin with.
I realize now that all I want is validation. Acknowledgement. That poem I wrote...while my intention was to make another happy, I unknowingly wrote what I want as well.
Sometimes when I'm talking to people, I feel like I talk about myself too much. And anyone who has talked to me in person will probably say that's impossible. But, I could be right.
Sometimes I think about quitting everything and running away. Not running away like high school running away. More like leaving the country and not telling people where I am. I'd tell a select choice of people that 'I needed to be alone, and I'll be fine.' And not permanently. I'd come back a few years later. Maybe a decade. Something weird.
Either way, listen to Marvin Gaye's What's Going On. Good stuff.
(Promised I wouldn't post lyrics, but I'll still talk about songs.)
294 - Conflict
Got into a big fight with my bro. Sis-in-law and my mom kinda just stood and watched. I hate confrontations. I really do.
You see, when my bro first met my sis-in-law, I got along with her. Then, she started taking on my bro's characteristics. She pretty much became him. I didn't like it, and as a result, I didn't like her anymore. Seriously, I made her cry a couple of times with hurtful words. Then, once they got married, I did my best to be the better person and I accomadated her 'personality.'
Lately she's been trying to be a smartass, even though in this apartment, I am the Resident Smartass. She tries to make people believe she knows stuff. She tries to be funny. She ain't.
So, the three of us have been looking at new apartments. My bro and I have already picked one we absolutely like. It has nice bedrooms, big bath tubs, and 10-ft ceilings. It also happens to have an indoor basketball court. Big plus, even though it's not full court.
But my sis-in-law doesn't want to go there. She wants to do everything in her power to not move there. She wants to look at places that are very inconvenient in terms of location. I go to UT, she works downtown. She keeps looking at places further and further away. It's stupid.
Unfortunately, my bro is totally whipped by her. Totally. And she ignores any of his input. It's stupid.
So, we ended up scouting the one apartment my bro and I like as well as two others my sis-in-law like. Thankfully, her two don't have anything available until April. Our current lease is up in February. The apartment my bro and I like has something available in February.
I'm trying to consider all of my options. But right now, I just hope I don't stress out.
You see, when my bro first met my sis-in-law, I got along with her. Then, she started taking on my bro's characteristics. She pretty much became him. I didn't like it, and as a result, I didn't like her anymore. Seriously, I made her cry a couple of times with hurtful words. Then, once they got married, I did my best to be the better person and I accomadated her 'personality.'
Lately she's been trying to be a smartass, even though in this apartment, I am the Resident Smartass. She tries to make people believe she knows stuff. She tries to be funny. She ain't.
So, the three of us have been looking at new apartments. My bro and I have already picked one we absolutely like. It has nice bedrooms, big bath tubs, and 10-ft ceilings. It also happens to have an indoor basketball court. Big plus, even though it's not full court.
But my sis-in-law doesn't want to go there. She wants to do everything in her power to not move there. She wants to look at places that are very inconvenient in terms of location. I go to UT, she works downtown. She keeps looking at places further and further away. It's stupid.
Unfortunately, my bro is totally whipped by her. Totally. And she ignores any of his input. It's stupid.
So, we ended up scouting the one apartment my bro and I like as well as two others my sis-in-law like. Thankfully, her two don't have anything available until April. Our current lease is up in February. The apartment my bro and I like has something available in February.
I'm trying to consider all of my options. But right now, I just hope I don't stress out.
Saturday, January 1
293 - Junk
I finally finished Garden State. Good movie. It's second on my 'to buy' list behind only Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. One movie about ignoring and rediscovering your feelings, the other about erasing loved ones from your memory. Total connection for me.
I also spent the past 90 minutes removing spyware and crap. You see, I gave my bro and his wife complete access to my computer while I stayed in Dallas. I now realize that I shouldn't have. I'm really not sure which it was, but one of them unleashed a biblical proportion of spyware on my computer. 76 problems were detected. 76!
Texas won the Rose Bowl. Makes me happy. LSU lost on a great final play. Made me happy. So now I'm going to play some NCAA 2005 and kick some poor team's ass.
Ryan called me from Pasadena. For the first, and only time, I wish I were him. I hope I didn't boost his ego too much.
I turn 21 this year. That scares me. I haven't had a drink in so long, and when the day comes, it will always be available to me (except on Sundays.) Honestly, I think I should just spend that day indoors and alone. I should restrain myself.
{Added on}
I'm thinking about not censoring my F-bombs and such. If I can make you think the word, isn't that pretty much the same as actually saying the word? I want some opinions and suggestions.
I also spent the past 90 minutes removing spyware and crap. You see, I gave my bro and his wife complete access to my computer while I stayed in Dallas. I now realize that I shouldn't have. I'm really not sure which it was, but one of them unleashed a biblical proportion of spyware on my computer. 76 problems were detected. 76!
Texas won the Rose Bowl. Makes me happy. LSU lost on a great final play. Made me happy. So now I'm going to play some NCAA 2005 and kick some poor team's ass.
Ryan called me from Pasadena. For the first, and only time, I wish I were him. I hope I didn't boost his ego too much.
I turn 21 this year. That scares me. I haven't had a drink in so long, and when the day comes, it will always be available to me (except on Sundays.) Honestly, I think I should just spend that day indoors and alone. I should restrain myself.
{Added on}
I'm thinking about not censoring my F-bombs and such. If I can make you think the word, isn't that pretty much the same as actually saying the word? I want some opinions and suggestions.
292 - Forfeit
So, I was watching Garden State. Then, about an hour into it, I got completely frustrated and came up to my room.
You see, when I'm watching a movie, listening to music, reading something, or such, I don't want to hear any external noise. It's just too distracting. So, after an hour of hearing whispering and such, I gave up.
(By the which, from what I've watched so far, I'm really liking it. In a small way, I can relate.)
One day into it, it looks like the theme for this year is going to be "giving up."
I'm just glad Texas didn't give up. It was a great game.
You see, when I'm watching a movie, listening to music, reading something, or such, I don't want to hear any external noise. It's just too distracting. So, after an hour of hearing whispering and such, I gave up.
(By the which, from what I've watched so far, I'm really liking it. In a small way, I can relate.)
One day into it, it looks like the theme for this year is going to be "giving up."
I'm just glad Texas didn't give up. It was a great game.
291 - Begin
It's a new year. I'm going to have to make an important decision.
Like I say on my Facebook profile, "I can be the angel on your right shoulder, or I can be the devil on your left shoulder."
So, what should I be this year?
"Show me the way to forgive you,
Allow me to let it go,
Allow me to be forgiven,
Show me the way to let go."
A Perfect Circle - Thomas
"Don't just call me a pessimist,
Try and read between the lines.
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend."
Tool - Aenima
And from here on out, I'll try my best to not post lyrics again. It's just that the two examples above are very similar to what I want to say. Almost exact.
And with that, so begins another year. Just another year.
Like I say on my Facebook profile, "I can be the angel on your right shoulder, or I can be the devil on your left shoulder."
So, what should I be this year?
"Show me the way to forgive you,
Allow me to let it go,
Allow me to be forgiven,
Show me the way to let go."
A Perfect Circle - Thomas
"Don't just call me a pessimist,
Try and read between the lines.
I can't imagine why you wouldn't
Welcome any change, my friend."
Tool - Aenima
And from here on out, I'll try my best to not post lyrics again. It's just that the two examples above are very similar to what I want to say. Almost exact.
And with that, so begins another year. Just another year.
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